When you’re dreaming with a broken heart…

…Giving up is the hardest part.

So, I have been struggling with heartbreak for the last 2 years. It sounds so funny to say that out loud because everyone knows that I’m very happily married. I’m the first to tell people just how truly blessed I am that I became John’s wife. And while yes my husband is not perfect he is perfect for me! We make each other laugh and we support each other. John is my best friend and I love him so much.

Which is part of what breaks my heart. Every month it’s the same situation – we try to make a baby. We have tried for 2 years to grow our family and it feels like failure each and every time it doesn’t happen. John tries not to show how disappointed he is, but I know how he feels. I know he wants a baby just as badly as I do – maybe even more.

People tell me not to blame myself, but I do anyway. It’s like my body just won’t do what it was created for! It’s a very personal feeling of betrayal. It’s my body that bleeds every month providing the proof of its rejection. And what makes it worse is that there is no rhyme or reason to my body’s timeline. So I get my hopes up every day I am late. Each day that passes gives me hope. I let myself imagine the possibility that it’s true. I dream about the future and what it could hold. The longer I wait the more heartbreaking it is when those hopes are dashed.

I know I’ve said before that I was feeling lost… I wasn’t attending church; I was having difficulty in friendships; I was generally feeling adrift spiritually and emotionally. Looking at it though, I find a lot of that feeling is because twenty four months of repetitive disappointment chips away slowly until you can be left beaten and broken – but still hoping... I have been dreaming with a broken heart… and giving up is the hardest part.

Not giving up on the hope or the idea or the dream of starting a family. Giving up that it’s my right to have it. Giving up that it has to happen in MY time. Giving up that it’s about me. That is one of the HARDEST things. To trust God and know that HIS time is what matters – that having a baby might not be in His plans for us. To give it up to Him – to trust that His plan is going to be so much better than my plan – it’s hard… but I’m trying. Every day I try. I pray for the strength to be patient and the peace of His Grace.

I’m currently playing the waiting game again… and I hope that this time it will be God’s time. If it’s not, I know I’ll get through it. I know God will not give me so much that I will break. But even more than that, I know He is Strong Enough to take whatever I have to Give Up to Him.

Woke up... Got out of Bed...

And the first thing I did was complain... Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to make it a full day without taking a vow of silence... complete and utter silence.

So Far...

Okay so I am currently on day 3 of my attempt to go complaint free.

Here is what I have found:

Fact 1: It is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.
Fact 2: It is not going as well as I had hoped.
Fact 3: I am not going to let Fact 1 or 2 stop me from trying.

It is important to do your best.
I believe that I can meet this challenge.
I know that if I just have a little more faith, I can succeed!

The Rules

So… how exactly am I going to do this? The book I read had some guidelines – here they are:

Rules:

1. Begin to wear the bracelet on either wrist.
2. When you catch yourself complaining, gossiping, or criticizing, move the bracelet to the other wrist and begin again.
3. Keep trying, it could take 4-8 months to complete, but you’ll be happy that you did.

So, what counts as complaining, gossiping, or criticizing? Chances are, if you have to ask if it counts… it probably does. In fact, it’s probably easier to list out what DOESN’T count.

• Anything you don’t say out loud doesn’t count against you. If you think it, it’s free. (Personal Journals and Silent Prayers, also do not count)
• Anything said to express grief, pain or discontent when directed toward someone who can help is healthy – so long as it is done in a way to receive what you want in the future and not as a means of attacking someone about the past.
• If it’s not just venting (recounting issues) but actually is an attempt to positively solve a problem, it’s okay.
• There are times when we need to process what’s going on in our lives to get a better handle on our situation. Processing and complaining are not the same thing. Processing is sharing your FEELINGS about something that has happened and not rehashing the events of what has happened. If your boss yells at you, you may want to talk to your spouse about the experience and share how it made you feel. When processing an experience, make sure that what you are saying is centered on only your feelings and not your story of what happened. Use words like: mad, sad, glad, happy, angry, afraid, joyous.
• Just to be clear, if something happened that needs corrected – Don’t hold back, don’t hold it in, just make sure you are only stating the facts and not putting any “how dare you do this to me!” energy behind what you are saying. “I feel angry when you do that” owns the experience as yours and is processing. “I feel like you’re a jerk when you do that” is simply name-calling.

Helpful Tools:

Try changing the words you use to describe a situation by phrasing things in a positive way.

Instead of……….Try

Problem……….Opportunity

Have to……….Get to

Setback……….Challenge

Enemy……….Friend

Tormentor……….Teacher

Pain……….Signal

I demand……….I would appreciate

Complaint……….Request

Struggle……….Journey

You did this……….I created this.

Give it a try. It may feel awkward as you begin, but watch how it changes your attitude about the person or situation. As you change your language, the situation will change.

Hi there!

Nice to meet you!

I have a feeling if you’re reading this, you either stumbled upon it somehow or you know me. If you know me, you probably already know that my name is Renee and I’m married to a wonderful man named John. You probably also know that I’m a cat person and that I enjoy being “crafty”. What you might not know is that until recently I’ve felt sort of disconnected from something – something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

It’s not that I wasn’t happy – I have a wonderful life. There just seemed to be something missing. I realized it was God. I was missing the peace of a personal relationship with God – one I hadn’t felt since I stopped going to church. That is when I decided that it was time for us as a family to find a church we felt comfortable in. I finally think I might have found it!

I went to Reston Bible Church with my dear friend Maggie (Thanks Mags!) and I feltso at home. I got the message I needed to hear and felt the peace I was longing to feel. It was wonderful! I can’t wait to go back again. Some of my friends don’t believe in God… and that has always made me feel like my beliefs were something I needed to hide… I don’t feel that way anymore.

So that’s partly what this blog is about. I’m going to be honest and forthright and examine who I am and who I want to be. I’m going to try to be positive and learn how to stop complaining and just enjoy my life and all it’s blessings. I’m very excited! So, if you want to be that fly on my wall, feel free!