So on the women’s retreat I went to this past weekend we got FREE TIME! How nice is that? Well during my free time I decided I was going to *try* to climb the rock wall. Crazy idea to begin with, since I’m afraid of heights… but I decided it would be a good test. I mean, 70 pounds ago I physically could NOT have done it, and I wanted to see now that my weight was no longer a valid excuse if I could. I wasn’t sure I’d make it higher than 2 feet because my arms aren’t really strong. Still I figured it wouldn’t hurt to try.
They put me in the harness, and I heard my inner voice saying “You have to wear this harness so that if you fall off the wall you won’t die a horrible painful death from that 30 foot fall… and it’s not a guarantee… are you sure you want to do this?” Mentally shaking these thoughts from my head, I took off my jacket and got in line. I told the guy with the rope I had never done this before and wasn’t sure if I could really do it… he clipped me to said rope with a twinkle in his eye and pointed to the ‘easy’ wall in front of him. “Don’t pay attention to the colored tape,” he says. “Just do what you can.”
So, I go to the wall and I start to climb. And then, I get stuck like 2 feet from the bottom. My first instinct is to give up… because, well, that would be the easiest thing to do. Instead, I hear myself say out loud “I’m stuck! What do I do!? Help!” And I hear a voice call out instructions and without thinking I do what the voice says and I go up a little higher. And then I see another handhold and I take it and a foothold and I take that and I go higher still. And then, I get stuck again. I feel like I should be able to see the next step to take, I mean it’s right there in front of me… but I just can’t.
This time I don’t even pause I call out again for help. I hear a voice call out and I make a try to do what it says, but I’m higher now and unsure… I can’t do it. But I am not ready to give up yet! I ask for another suggestion and this time I hear my friend Maggie call out “Put your left foot on the rock that looks like the moon and push yourself up and grab the red triangle rock with your right hand.” This voice I know. This voice I trust. For a brief second I think – “Wow, that moon rock is high, can I even get my foot up there?” But my body moves on its own accord because my brain negated the question - Maggie would never tell me to do anything I couldn’t do, so of course I can do it! As my hand grasps the red triangle rock I realize I have a cheering section below me now. I can hear them rooting me onward and upward as Maggie plots a course for me to follow.
Then I get to a foot or two from the top, and not even Maggie can get me to move. My hands begin to sweat and I can feel my grip slipping. My right leg begins to shake uncontrollably. I am terrified. I want to finish. That orange x is so close and yet it’s worlds away. I can’t do it. I hear myself saying it over and over. Whether out loud or silently, I don’t know. I hear people calling out encouragements and suggestions. I try to follow them and reach for rocks above me but terrified all I can do is cling to right where I’m at. I still hear people saying things but I can no longer hear them over my own heartbeat. Finally, the sentence that has been repeated penetrates the fog of fear that has a hold of my brain. “Renee, just grab the rope! Let go and grab the rope!” There is a split second of complete terror as for a moment I let go and the only thing holding me is a rope and a man at the other end that I don’t know from Adam. “Please God, don’t let me fall!” My feet touch the wall… and I begin to rappel down it, feeling exhilaration as each bounce of my feet pushes me from the wall, helping me make a slow and steady decent.
I get to the bottom and I look back up. Wow… that was high! I am shaking like a leaf. Women that I have only seen in passing at church have surrounded me and are hugging me, congratulating me – celebrating a moment of personal victory with me. Asking me if I’m going back up… HA! “Next year,” I reply. And I mean it. Next year I will do this again. Next year, I will touch the orange X. Next year, I will reach the top!
It would be really easy to just say: “Dude, I climbed a rock wall!” and leave it at that. I mean, that’s a personal feat of accomplishment, that’s a really big deal… But I’d be remiss if I didn’t share with you what I gained that made it so much more than that.
I didn’t give up on myself even when it was the easy thing to do. I moved past what I thought I could because I put more faith in Trust than in Fear. When I reached the end of my own strength – I grabbed the rope and let go.
Right is not always easy. Sometimes you have to go through the hard things so that you can become stronger. Sometimes you doubt yourself, sometimes you are afraid… but God reminded me that He is my Rock and my Fortress and my Deliverer. When life gets hard I naturally become afraid and worry about what to do next. I stubbornly cling to the things of this world when I fear they will be torn from me, unable and unwilling to let go of whatever I’m stuck on… terrified to fall back and hold ONLY the rope of my Faith, my belief that The Lord is the one who goes ahead of me, He will be with me, He will not fail me or forsake me so I should not fear or be dismayed (Deuteronomy 31:8).
This rock climb reminded me that I can’t see the path I need to take because I’m too close to it. There really was only enough light for the step I was on… and the only way I can move forward is if I trust the One who is guiding my step because He will never ask me to do something I cannot do. I need to rest in the knowledge that God knows what I can do because He made me who I am, knitting me in my mother’s womb. But more than that, I was reminded that no matter what, there will always be fear in my life, and even though I will fail, He will not. I can cling to Him in my fear and He will not let me fall from His hands. He is the ultimate Belay. (Belay – noun – describing an object sturdy enough for a running rope to be passed around it to secure a hold.)
So I ask you, who or what is your Belay? What do you cling to? Where have you anchored the rope of your life? Can you rest securely in the knowledge that your Belay will not crumble, will not move, will not waver, will not change or are you clinging to an object, a person, a thing that you fear could let you fall? It is my prayer that you will find a Belay that is and was and will always be sturdy enough for you to secure your life to and trust that it will always hold.
