In shepherd group we answered the question “Have you ever felt completely alone or afraid?”. The question brought to mind one of the darkest times of my life. It was when I was struggling with what was later diagnosed as bi-polar disorder.
I was at a party, having a horrible time and pretending that everything was just fine. It got late and everyone around me had paired up and fallen asleep. I was left alone staring at a computer screen. I’m pretty sure I typed everyone at the party a cryptic e-mail of some sort while I sat there drowning in my own depression – angry that no one cared enough about me to look through my happy mask and see me slowly dying on the inside. I got up and left. I don’t remember waking anyone or saying goodbye. I didn’t know what I was doing I just knew that I had to leave right then. I walked out the door in the hazy pre-dawn light and got into my car and started to drive. I don’t remember many details of that evening, including where it was I drove to. What I do remember is the bridge... and the desire to turn the wheel and step on the gas so the car would go off the bridge and end my pain. As my hands started to steer the car ever so slightly toward the bridge barrier I found myself thinking that it would be just my luck to survive the crash and be paralyzed because then there really would be no way out. Quicker than thought my hands straightened the wheel and as I drove past the bridge and it’s temptation I began to shake. The tremors raced through my body and released a flood of tears. Frustrated and angry at my cowardice and my helplessness I didn’t know what to do, only that this had to stop.
I went through therapy and it has helped me in so many ways. But I still had times where I felt alone. When I met John I had reached a point where I felt that it was time to stop going to therapy. I had gotten off my medications and learned to handle my bi-polar swings before they became extreme. Still, even with all the wonderful things in my life, I feel alone sometimes and afraid and sad. But now that feeling is not complete because I know that God will always be with me no matter what. That He has a plan for me, even if it isn’t mine – and that He loves me so much He will never leave me or forsake me. And because He is a perfect and loving God, I can trust Him when I am afraid to trust anyone else or even myself.
Thinking about that bridge… I am thankful. I am thankful I am not the same girl I was then and that now I can see how Father was with me and how His hand guided me back to the road He meant me to travel instead of off the bridge I had selected.
