None of these things move me...

None of these things move me.

A simple sentence. It was the title of something that I read several weeks ago that has stayed with me. You see, the title was meant one way and I took it another. That is, I did until I continued to read and the meaning became clear. I was surprised to find that I was reading about a completely different subject than what I was prepared for. I started wondering how many people would automatically interpret the sentence the way I did.

None of these things move me.

When you read it, what does it mean to you?

To me when I read it I thought it meant that the article was going to be about “things” that didn’t arouse the authors emotions. You know, like when you watch what is supposed to be a touching scene in a movie and it doesn’t make you feel the way it’s intended to. I was even prepared for it to be about how our hearts don’t break for the things that break Christ’s heart; that we aren’t moved to action the way we are called to in Matthew 25:40 “The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.”

Would it surprise you as much as it surprised me to find out the actual meaning was that none of the things the author was talking about changed her faith in Christ or moved her from Him? Here I was expecting a complaint about how nothing made her feel something, or a message about not feeling moved to do something and instead I get a message of strength and rejoicing.

None of these things move me! I stand firm in the promise of The Lord!

But how? How do we go from listening to our hearts and our minds to being able to STAND FIRM? I think His Words will always be better than mine, so how about I start with them?

Ephesians 6:11-17

Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.

Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.

Stand firm therefore, HAVING GIRDED YOUR LOINS WITH TRUTH, and HAVING PUT ON THE BREASTPLATE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS, and having shod YOUR FEET WITH THE PREPARATION OF THE GOSPEL OF PEACE; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. And take THE HELMET OF SALVATION, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

But what does all of that mean? Here is what it means to me:

Your Truth prepares us for the action required of us as men and woman. Your Righteousness guards our hearts. The knowledge that we have been saved safeguards our minds. We can walk safely because of Your Gospel of Peace. Faith in You defends us when we are attacked. Your Word is the only thing we need to use to fight with, because while it is also a defense, it is all the offence we need.

Oh, how many times have I doubted your promise God? How many times have I listened to lies and felt afraid or confused and moved from You. How many times have I misinterpreted something’s meaning because of how my emotions directed me instead of standing firm in You? How many times have I forgotten that my defenses are ALL found in You and that I can fight my fear and all that stands against me by going back to Your Word. I am so sorry Father that I waver, that I doubt, that I do not see with my human eyes the things you want to show me with Your Holy Spirit! I know that You have given me everything I need to stand firm. Please Lord, help me to remember that ‘None of these things move me!’

Wordless Wednesday

No, that's your friend!

I went over to Kristin's house last week to visit with her and her kids for the evening. Technically, we were supposed to babysit for another friend's kids together, but they got sick so we decided to still get together and hang out. My little friend Sage (Kristin's daughter) grabbed my lanyard to look at what was hanging from it.

I have a key card, my old photo ID and my new photo ID - in reverse order of course, but that's what's on there. Sage saw the new photo ID and said, "what's this?" I said "That's me." Then she flipped and saw the old photo ID and asked "What's this?" and I said "That's me too." To which Sage replied. "No, Miss Ahaaay, that's your friend!"

Her mom and I shared a smile over Sage's head and said "okay." and I put the badge away as Sage became distracted by something more exciting. Still, what is it they say "Out of the mouths of babes." ? Every time I see my badges at work I am reminded of what my 3 year old friend told me. "No, that's your friend!"

You see, on my weight loss journey, I have a hard time thinking of "fat me" as my friend and not someone to judge or someone to ignore or someone hiding just beneath the surface of "thinner me" waiting to take over my life again. I was "fat me" for so much of my life. When I look back I have a hard time accepting her joys and her triumphs and being proud of her and cheering for her and who she was instead of focusing on who she wasn't. Sometimes I think "how do I get there without going back there?" Maybe if I just listen to that 3 year old... one day it will sink in - "No, (that's not me) that's your friend!"

A Testimony of Blessing

When I was little, my mom let me go to a group one of her friend’s daughters belonged to. It was called AWANA and met at RBC. I was in Sparks and I LOVED it. We got to hang out and we learned stories from the felt board and if we memorized our bible verses we got to take home Sparkie (the firefly). It was as a visitor in this children’s ministry that I was taught John 3:16. In my heart I understood that it was the truth even though I was only 7 years old.

Maybe 7 seems too early to really know that you believe in Christ or to fully understand what it means to be saved from sin – when sin seems like such an adult concept. But I had already had to endure "adult" things because I had been molested so I had a firmer grasp on more adult concepts than most children my age, including sin. All I know is that when I memorized those words from John 3:16 it felt like they had been written in my heart and I believed they were as true as anything I could see and that I needed someone –Christ – to save me and that I wanted that kind of LOVE for myself.

And then I got older, and jaded by the world and my circumstances - which will be saved for an as yet unwritten post. While I don’t think I lost my Faith, I know lost my way. Life went the way it did, mostly without God being a present and accounted for part of it. Two years after John and I started trying to have children God began to call me again, but this time He shouted in my pain.

I felt like I was missing something. And it was more than just missing a baby because I don't think you can truly miss something if you never had it to begin with. I wanted a baby, but I was missing God and the peace I knew only He could give. I decided I needed to go back to His house and worship Him, even though I didn't really know how.

Which is when I ended up back at the very beginning… My friend Maggie told me I should come to her church and it turned out to be RBC – only this time, I got to go upstairs with the grown-ups! It’s almost as if He'd been waiting there for me all my life. He has put wonderful people in my path to be His hands and feet, to remind me of His truth. He reinforces it every day, in so many ways.

In this past year He has brought down walls in my life that I didn't even realize I had. I am still learning to walk with Him, to let Him lead me, and not try to lead myself. He has grown me and humbled me and shown me that I have SO much farther to go. But He gave me a husband to hold me up and walk with me. He also gave me a thirst for Himself so that it doesn't matter how far I have to go because I know without a doubt that I want to go there if that is where He is.

It was in that overwhelming thirst for Him that I heard Him speak to me most recently. I had rented a “cabin” at the library to finish up my Bible Study on Covenant. I prayed before I began my study, asking God to teach me what He wanted during my meditation and that He would help me put into practice everything He decided to show me. I would like to share what I learned with all of you.

The first thing He showed me was in Galatians 3:7-9:

Understand, then, that those who have faith are children of Abraham. Scripture foresaw that God would justify the Gentiles by faith, and announced the gospel in advance to Abraham: “All nations will be blessed through you.” So those who rely on faith are blessed along with Abraham, the man of faith.
So – having gotten that I am a descendant of Abraham (and Sarah), I was then supposed to re-read a passage I had read before as part of the another study (Trusting God Even When Life Hurts). But this time God made it personal:

Isaiah 54:1
The Fertility of Zion
Shout for joy, O barren one, you who have borne no child;
Break forth into joyful shouting and cry aloud, you who have not travailed (been in labor);
For the sons of the desolate (barren/without hope/inconsolable) one will be more numerous
Than the sons of the married woman,” says the Lord.

Now I’m not Sarah. I know that literally speaking this is a passage where God is promising her that the messiah is coming through her line… that she’s going to have a baby and that her descendants will be more numerous than the sons of the slave woman who bore her husband’s first child.

But knowing that I am a descendant of Abraham and Sarah, the passage took on new meaning for me. For the son’s of the desolate one will be more numerous – because her son’s are all those that are saved! And mine can be too. God used His Word to remind me that even though I might never have children of my own… the love I give to the children in my life that I can’t give to my own flesh and blood, time with them when spent for Christ, will give me more children in heaven than I could ever have on earth.

Of course I can’t lie and tell you that children aren’t a treasure that I want, that I long for still, here on earth… BUT as we have been constantly reminded during the series on The Almighty Dollar vs. The Almighty God we are, according to Matthew 6:20, to “store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal;

And as I wrote this out to share with you God spoke to me again…I felt that desire to read further into Isaiah 54… and because I obeyed I was comforted once more when I saw a glimpse of my treasure in verses 11-14:

O Afflicted one, storm-tossed, and not comforted,
Behold, I will set your stones in antimony, (lustrous, silver-white, crystalline material)
And your foundations I will lay in sapphires.
Moreover, I will make your battlements of rubies,
And your gates of crystal,
And your entire wall of precious stones.
All your sons will be taught of the LORD;
And the well-being of your sons will be great.
In righteousness you will be established; (recognized as truth, founded, permanently made)

So I get a multitude of children, all of them will be taught of the Lord, their well being will be great, plus I get sapphires, rubies, crystal, precious stones AND made Permanently Righteous… It's not my plan... but it sounds like one I could live with… forever.

Thankful

In shepherd group we answered the question “Have you ever felt completely alone or afraid?”. The question brought to mind one of the darkest times of my life. It was when I was struggling with what was later diagnosed as bi-polar disorder.

I was at a party, having a horrible time and pretending that everything was just fine. It got late and everyone around me had paired up and fallen asleep. I was left alone staring at a computer screen. I’m pretty sure I typed everyone at the party a cryptic e-mail of some sort while I sat there drowning in my own depression – angry that no one cared enough about me to look through my happy mask and see me slowly dying on the inside. I got up and left. I don’t remember waking anyone or saying goodbye. I didn’t know what I was doing I just knew that I had to leave right then. I walked out the door in the hazy pre-dawn light and got into my car and started to drive. I don’t remember many details of that evening, including where it was I drove to. What I do remember is the bridge... and the desire to turn the wheel and step on the gas so the car would go off the bridge and end my pain. As my hands started to steer the car ever so slightly toward the bridge barrier I found myself thinking that it would be just my luck to survive the crash and be paralyzed because then there really would be no way out. Quicker than thought my hands straightened the wheel and as I drove past the bridge and it’s temptation I began to shake. The tremors raced through my body and released a flood of tears. Frustrated and angry at my cowardice and my helplessness I didn’t know what to do, only that this had to stop.

I went through therapy and it has helped me in so many ways. But I still had times where I felt alone. When I met John I had reached a point where I felt that it was time to stop going to therapy. I had gotten off my medications and learned to handle my bi-polar swings before they became extreme. Still, even with all the wonderful things in my life, I feel alone sometimes and afraid and sad. But now that feeling is not complete because I know that God will always be with me no matter what. That He has a plan for me, even if it isn’t mine – and that He loves me so much He will never leave me or forsake me. And because He is a perfect and loving God, I can trust Him when I am afraid to trust anyone else or even myself.

Thinking about that bridge… I am thankful. I am thankful I am not the same girl I was then and that now I can see how Father was with me and how His hand guided me back to the road He meant me to travel instead of off the bridge I had selected.

Loop/Swoop/Pull!

I tend to be a transparent person. And no, it’s not just because I’m so pale you can basically see through me (although that’s true too). I believe that being honest is important. Even if some of the things I’m truthful about are sometimes embarrassing or painful, I feel like if I’m being asked a question, I should give a full and honest answer. The same goes for blogging. Which leads me to today’s transparency.

I used to have a hard time tying my shoes. I mean, when I was little, I remember getting frustrated because I just didn’t get the Loop/Swoop/Pull, Bunny round the tree through the hole lesson. My fingers just couldn’t seem to get it right. And for a long time I wore those lovely Velcro sneakers (enduring classmate ridicule) because I couldn’t get it together enough to tie a pair of shoelaces. Needless to say, once I did get it together – I was a shoe tying fool. I loved my laces.

But then something happened that made me hate the tying. I found that I couldn’t bring my foot to my knee to tie without hauling my foot in both hands to put it up there... I couldn’t get my fat rolls to smoosh enough in order to get my arms around my thunder thighs and allow my short stubby arms reach my shoes… Heaven forbid a lace come untied while out and about with nowhere to sit because there was no way I could get down on one knee and get back up again without having something solid to cling to when I tried to haul myself back up.

So, when I had to wear shoes that tied, I prayed that the laces would stay in their little bows… and when that prayer was answered with a “no”, and I had to tie them I’d look around for somewhere to sit or to raise my foot on so I wouldn’t have to bend down. When I tried to tie the shoes myself, I found that I couldn’t reach far enough around my fat to tie the laces in the center so I would just pull to the side of my body I could reach best and then double knot the laces once I got it done… which would leave me winded, which of course left me embarrassed. Or, if my husband was with me I would pout and hold my foot out to him making him kneel down and tie it. My mom did this with my dad and I always thought it was adorable… until I realized it was necessary for me to do it. Then, it just became an internal embarrassment that I dressed up in the “awwww, aren’t we cute” clothes of routine.

Then, this past Friday as we were in Baltimore with my cousin Brandi and her husband DJ, my shoe came untied. My husband pointed it out to me – and I didn’t lift it towards him and pout. I didn’t even think to try that old trick. No, I raised my foot up (without the use of my hands to haul it towards me) and while standing on one foot - I tied my laces in the center of my shoe – not on the side. I did it as if it were second nature, as if it had never been a problem. I didn’t think about it twice… until my husband expressed pride in the fact that he didn’t have to tie my shoes for me anymore. Embarrassing, yes… a moment I would imagine is akin to someone exclaiming in public “You went potty all by yourself” to a grown person. Do I wish I had never been at that point where it was necessary for him to be proud of me for tying my own shoes? Of course! But you know what? It’s a struggle that I went through and having it called out like that made me remember how much I love my laces! J

2 Chronicles 15:7 - Reward for your work

2 Chronicles 15:7 (NASB) says: "But you, be strong and do not lose courage, for there is reward for your work."

Sometimes along my journey I want to give up. Okay, often I want to give up - usually daily - right around the time I'm supposed to get out of bed and go to the gym I want to throw in the proverbial towel and call it a day because (as I used to say when I was very young) it's too hard and I'm too little!

But I get up (mainly because I cannot throw money away) and I keep going. That doesn't mean it isn't a struggle or that it isn't a fight because it is. When doubt creeps in the door I tend to fall into my typical cycle. That would be the one where I feel like nothing will ever change and think to myself "well then, why bother!" I get depressed and I pray and often my prayer or it's answer become a silly little blog post where selfishly I pour out words and sometimes gain some perspective in the process.

But 2 Chronicles 15:7 tells me that for my work there is a reward... and with this weight loss the only reward I have ever expected was to lose weight and have the physical body that God intended for me to have. I admit I feel great when people I love give me compliments or say that I'm motivational, but again, they're people I love - they have to be supportive - so you take it with a grain of salt, right? (although you probably shouldn't because sodium is really bad!)

In any case, I never really expected more reward than what I've already received, but today I was rewarded in my heart by two complete strangers:

Hi Renee,
AWESOME! When the scales aren't moving and I've been good, you'll be my motivation. I've printed your letters for my desk and my co-workers are really enjoying them. You GO GIRL!!!

Renee,
I've been flipping through posts this morning and was totally enthralled when I found your 'Dear John' letters to the last 50. You go, girl.I looked for your other posts and was touched by your humor, warmth and encouragement.I just wanted to say Thank You for making my day.
Jeri

The reward had very little to do with the work I've done physically and was mostly about my posting... which of course has everything to do with God. I am His child and part of what He knit in my mother's womb was a funny, positive, woman who has always hidden behind sarcasm and extra pounds of fat. (Due to the behavior of your dog letters, anyone?)

But, as I have been on my weight loss journey I have also been on a spiritual one. My reward today was the realization that I have shed more than pounds. He is whittling me into the woman He intends me to be, not the one I have tried to make of myself, the one I have tried to hide behind. To know that His design for me is beginning to show and has benefited a complete stranger is an unexpected blessing I was not prepared for - and I am Completely Thankful. (And a little teary, not gonna lie).