HUA - Heard, Understood, Acknowledged

I am not God. I feel like writing that down a thousand times on a chalkboard and maybe then it will sink in. I take on too much – I try too hard to be too many things to too many people. It comes from a good place – well – it STARTS in a good place. I have a desire to share God’s love and the love He has given me for others. The problem is that I also enjoy being needed. And that can be twisted so easily into something unhealthy, hurtful, prideful, sinful…

My current schedule is a blur of color – activities and dates – people and places color coded to show who it is I’m doing things for… If it is my husband it is yellow, if it is for my mom it is pink, if it is for myself it is green, if it is for my body it is red, if it is for church it is blue… And it just struck me as I typed this – why is everything a different color? Shouldn’t everything I do be for God? Shouldn’t I be living my life for Him and not myself? Who am I serving with all this activity?

Galatians 1:10 says:
For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ.

But I am a bond-servant of Christ! Because of His love for me I am saved! Because of His love for me I am forgiven! Because of His love for me I am set free! I am not condemned! God loved me so much that He sent His Son to die in my place. And His Son loved me so much that He DIED for me. A lady in our bible study tonight raised the question “If He was willing to die for me, how can I not be willing to live for Him?” And it got me to thinking, who am I really living for?

Am I living for my family, for my friends? Am I living for their approval? Am I living for their love? That’s not to say that those things don’t mean anything – but that should not be what I’m striving for.

Psalm 46:10 tells me to Cease Striving and KNOW that He is God… what does that look like? What should that look like? I don’t know exactly, but I do know what it doesn’t look like. It doesn’t look like my calendar. It doesn’t look like me taking on everything just because I’m trying to be a people pleaser or earn/keep someone’s love. It doesn’t look like me feeling emotionally exhausted and robbed of peace because I’m worried about what other people think about me when I can or can’t or do or don’t or will or won’t.

And then tonight, while talking to a friend about how I feel guilty for not being able to do more for people and give them more because they need it - I had a moment of clarity. While it is true I’m trying to give the Fruit’s of the spirit in Galatians 5:22-23 (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control) to all my friends if I’m honest with myself – it’s not really always the best fruit – because it’s really not always God centered.

And if I’m standing in the way offering them my inferior “fruit” how will anyone see the perfect fruit that God wants to give them which is discussed in Philippians 1:11 - having been filled with the fruit of righteousness which comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God. God made it completely clear to me tonight that He doesn’t need me to do His work. He needs me to maybe get out of His way. It was a rebuke and it was a little painful to get it, but it’s true. I need to change my focus back to where it should be.

So I’m going to take my schedule and re-dedicate it. I’m re-examining my priorities and I’m not going to worry about how that makes other people feel about me. I am sorry if it changes our friendships or if it upsets anyone that I am less available. My hope is that instead of being upset with me they will seek and find what they are looking for in someone far more able to fill them than I am. I think Paul expresses my prayer far better than I ever could in Ephesians 3:14-21

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever.

Amen.

Amen, indeed!

Saying Goodbye... once more with feeling!

Dear 210’s…
I honestly don’t remember meeting you. Perhaps the ice cream coma I was in blurred our get-together from my mind. Whatever the case may be, I have to admit that I was a little horrified finding you here without my prior knowledge. I mean, I really thought waking up next to someone you don’t recognize only happened to people who completely lost control… In any case, I’m really very glad that you have decided to leave. I’d really appreciate it if you decided not to return.

Sincerely,

Renee


Dear 200’s…

I know we didn’t talk that much – you were only here for about a month before I realized I’d started spending all my time with the 190’s. I’d like to say I’m sorry that we didn’t get to spend more time together, but I have a feeling we’d both know it was a lie. After all, I’m pretty sure I spent at least a year with you before the 210’s made that little visit that freaked me out. I really do wish you the best with whoever you move on with. I just know that it won’t be me.

All the best!

Renee


Dear 190’s…

I feel that I need to apologize to you. I know I really made you think I wanted to be with you and I did! When we first met I was so excited to tell people about you… I mean we were together and I was beyond thrilled! By our first month anniversary our relationship had started to lose its appeal. I found myself wondering how long we would need to be together. I felt smothered by how you just always wanted to be with me. We had some good times, but I think we were meant to just be friends. I hope that you find someone better suited to you… perhaps a man? Only a suggestion!

Affectionately,

Renee


Dear 180’s…

We began our flirtation in June. Something about you just made me smile. Perhaps it was the way I felt with you while I was wearing that denim dress. I don’t know. But I do know that during our flirtation, I became attracted to the 170’s and I just didn’t know how to tell you. I know that we weren’t committed to each other, still, I felt ashamed. But the heart wants what the heart wants. And my heart wanted better blood flow that could only be found with the 170’s. I’m hopeful that you will understand my desire to end things before anyone gets hurt. You really are great, and I know that there’s someone out there that is perfect for you – she’s just not me.

Fondly,

Renee


Dear 170’s…

We’ve been seeing each other since sometime in July, but I really feel like I need to break it off. It’s not that you weren’t fun – you were! I had a great summer with you. The thing is though, I got caught cheating on you and I wanted to tell you before someone else did. I was at the doctors and the 160’s were there and well… the nurse walked in and saw everything – and since the nurse knows you – well, I’ve been feeling guilty for a while now. I’ve always been attracted to the 160’s but that’s no excuse for stringing you along like this. I don’t want to keep living a lie until day I have to formally announce that you and I aren’t together anymore. I’d really just like for us to part as friends but I completely understand if that can’t happen. So, if we never meet again – you take care of yourself.

Best Wishes,

Renee


Dear 160’s…

I’ve been looking back on letters from the last 6 months and I’ve realized something. While I like you, and I’m happy to spend time with you and get to know you… I’m really not in the position to be in a long term relationship with you or anyone else right now. I’m just trying to figure out what I want. Right now you feel great, but I admit, I’ve been imagining what it might be like to be with the 150’s or 140’s… Sometimes, I catch myself day dreaming about the 130’s and once even the 120’s… I don’t want to hurt you. I hope we can have fun for as long as it lasts – keep things casual. Still, I need you to know that when we part that will be the end of our relationship. Forever. Although, I am happy to introduce you to a couple of tall gals I know that have been daydreaming about you!

TTYL!

Renee

Dear 150’s…

I’m sorry this note is getting to you so late. I owed you better than that. After all, we had fun from November until… huh… I can’t recall exactly when we parted ways. To be fair, the holiday’s were a blur. Still, I remember being with you as I indulged a bit at Thanksgiving and Christmas. You were so understanding about my need to enjoy the pumpkin pie. (Maybe a little too understanding.) Anyway, next thing I know I’m out with friends on New Year’s Eve and I can’t remember you being there. I had a couple drinks, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t start dating the 140’s that night. Still, stranger things have happened – I mean, you remember my story about the 210’s right? Regardless, I wanted to tell you how grateful I was for our time together. It brought me new clothes that fit and a boost in my confidence as I made it through the holidays with you instead of going back to the 160’s. I mean, after I told him we were through “FOREVAH”, I really would have been embarrassed to go crawling back to him, eating my words like so much pumpkin pie. Mmmmm….pie! So, really, thanks for sticking with me through the holidays. I hope you find someone else that will be happy sticking with you the whole year through.

Thanks Again!

Renee

Dear 140’s…

I know technically everyone thinks we’re still together since I haven’t “officially” moved on to the 130’s. But we both know I moved on weeks ago and I’m just waiting for the right time to make the announcement. I know I was a little cranky that you were still around when I weighed in for February… and I’m sorry for that reaction. It’s just that I was so close to that 7o pound total loss and I blamed you for standing in my way. When really, I should have been thanking you for so many things. Like letting me realize I could make it through my first plateau without giving up or hating myself. Or, showing me that I could take a Body Combat class with you and NOT die. Or, better yet, helping me realize that I enjoy “exercise”. More than that though, thank you for reminding me that while I felt good being with you – better than I ever have in my adult life – we were never meant to be together long term. In fact, knowing that we aren’t MFEO is the only reason I’m leaving you behind because honestly, it’s been great!

Lots of Love,

Renee


Dear 130’s…

I know we’ve been keeping our relationship on the DL. I mean, I haven’t even logged you into My Food Diary yet because we haven’t made thing’s “Official”. I’ve been secretly stepping on the scale in the mornings just to see you – and I don’t want to wait until next week’s official weigh in to stop pretending that we’re not in this together. I mean, just this morning you told me that I’m at a healthy BMI for the first time in my adult life! Do you know what a gift that is to me? It’s priceless! Thank you for letting me meet the technically “healthy me”. While I know you and I are destined to part ways, I will keep “healthy me” forever! We probably only have a month or two left together – depending on how the last 10/12 pounds go but I know you’re fine with that and I am too. I just wanted to take this time to let you know that I appreciate everything you’ve shown me and given me to take along even after you’re gone.

With Sincerest Gratitude,

Renee

Dear 120’s…

I am coming for you. You are my goal and I WILL reach you. And when I do I plan to “hug you and squeeze you and love you forever and ever.” I know I’ve been very fickle this past year with all the other weights, and it might lead you to believe I’m not sincere in my desire to stay with you. But I really don’t see any need to look for anyone else once we get together. I mean, I’ve been with the 210’s, the 200’s, the 190’s, the 180’s, the 170’s, the 160’s, the 150’s and the 140’s and they didn’t have what I wanted. I’m currently with the 130’s and while I enjoy being here, I know that they aren’t a perfect fit. And honestly, the 110’s sound a little scary to me. Besides, you’re the one the doctor’s say I’d be a fool not to stick with… and I really think they’re right. I hope this doesn’t scare you off… but I can’t wait to start our life together! (New clothes and all)

(im)patiently waiting,

Renee


P.S. I’m really serious about us being in a committed relationship and I want to reassure you that once we get together, I will not cheat on you… Unless I get pregnant. And then, well, all bets are off – although “technically” it would be my child that’s cheating on you. Still, if that happens, I promise that I will come back to you as SOON as I can. You can count on me!

Personal Trainer?

On the retreat this weekend I was sitting at Table 13 for dinner Saturday night. I chose Table 13, not because I knew anyone at it, but because I've always liked the number 13. Anyway, I sat down to dinner with only one other woman and we chatted. Other people joined us. I overheard one woman expressing her dissatisfaction at being unable to lose the "belly after baby" and was wondering what she could do. Of course, I chimed in (without being asked) and said:

You do know you can't target one specific part of your body to lose weight in, right? There's no magic exercise that will work - in fact you can do crunches for the rest of your life and have nothing change. What you need to do is add weight resistance training and build muscle so that you can increase your metabolism and lose weight everywhere.

To which she replied:

Are you a trainer?

The fact that looking at me she thought I could be a personal trainer... MADE MY DAY! Once I explained that I'd lost 69 pounds in the past year and worked with a personal trainer that entire time they spent the rest of the meal asking me questions. Having knowledge to help people and being able to give it - AWESOME!

Anyway, back home at the gym working with Cruise Director Wendy this past Wednesday I shared the story. She asked if I had ever thought of becoming a personal trainer myself... I shrugged it off - since I believe at the time I was focusing on not dropping the "air rope".

Well, this morning Trainer Matt was back and he said:

I hear Wendy put a bug in your ear. So, do you think you'd be interested in becoming a personal trainer? I think you'd have a good perspective to give to clients... I mean, you'd be able to relate to them in a way that I can't. You know how hard it is to change your life because you've done it.

I didn't know what to say. He told me I should think about it. Just then, Cruise Director Wendy walked by with her victim... I mean "client", Ruth who said "There's my weight loss inspiration... Hi Renee!" Matt just looked at me... as if to say "SEE - I TOLD YOU!"

Still, I don't know. It's definitely something to think about...

Climbing the wall...

So on the women’s retreat I went to this past weekend we got FREE TIME! How nice is that? Well during my free time I decided I was going to *try* to climb the rock wall. Crazy idea to begin with, since I’m afraid of heights… but I decided it would be a good test. I mean, 70 pounds ago I physically could NOT have done it, and I wanted to see now that my weight was no longer a valid excuse if I could. I wasn’t sure I’d make it higher than 2 feet because my arms aren’t really strong. Still I figured it wouldn’t hurt to try.

They put me in the harness, and I heard my inner voice saying “You have to wear this harness so that if you fall off the wall you won’t die a horrible painful death from that 30 foot fall… and it’s not a guarantee… are you sure you want to do this?” Mentally shaking these thoughts from my head, I took off my jacket and got in line. I told the guy with the rope I had never done this before and wasn’t sure if I could really do it… he clipped me to said rope with a twinkle in his eye and pointed to the ‘easy’ wall in front of him. “Don’t pay attention to the colored tape,” he says. “Just do what you can.”

So, I go to the wall and I start to climb. And then, I get stuck like 2 feet from the bottom. My first instinct is to give up… because, well, that would be the easiest thing to do. Instead, I hear myself say out loud “I’m stuck! What do I do!? Help!” And I hear a voice call out instructions and without thinking I do what the voice says and I go up a little higher. And then I see another handhold and I take it and a foothold and I take that and I go higher still. And then, I get stuck again. I feel like I should be able to see the next step to take, I mean it’s right there in front of me… but I just can’t.

This time I don’t even pause I call out again for help. I hear a voice call out and I make a try to do what it says, but I’m higher now and unsure… I can’t do it. But I am not ready to give up yet! I ask for another suggestion and this time I hear my friend Maggie call out “Put your left foot on the rock that looks like the moon and push yourself up and grab the red triangle rock with your right hand.” This voice I know. This voice I trust. For a brief second I think – “Wow, that moon rock is high, can I even get my foot up there?” But my body moves on its own accord because my brain negated the question - Maggie would never tell me to do anything I couldn’t do, so of course I can do it! As my hand grasps the red triangle rock I realize I have a cheering section below me now. I can hear them rooting me onward and upward as Maggie plots a course for me to follow.

Then I get to a foot or two from the top, and not even Maggie can get me to move. My hands begin to sweat and I can feel my grip slipping. My right leg begins to shake uncontrollably. I am terrified. I want to finish. That orange x is so close and yet it’s worlds away. I can’t do it. I hear myself saying it over and over. Whether out loud or silently, I don’t know. I hear people calling out encouragements and suggestions. I try to follow them and reach for rocks above me but terrified all I can do is cling to right where I’m at. I still hear people saying things but I can no longer hear them over my own heartbeat. Finally, the sentence that has been repeated penetrates the fog of fear that has a hold of my brain. “Renee, just grab the rope! Let go and grab the rope!” There is a split second of complete terror as for a moment I let go and the only thing holding me is a rope and a man at the other end that I don’t know from Adam. “Please God, don’t let me fall!” My feet touch the wall… and I begin to rappel down it, feeling exhilaration as each bounce of my feet pushes me from the wall, helping me make a slow and steady decent.

I get to the bottom and I look back up. Wow… that was high! I am shaking like a leaf. Women that I have only seen in passing at church have surrounded me and are hugging me, congratulating me – celebrating a moment of personal victory with me. Asking me if I’m going back up… HA! “Next year,” I reply. And I mean it. Next year I will do this again. Next year, I will touch the orange X. Next year, I will reach the top!

It would be really easy to just say: “Dude, I climbed a rock wall!” and leave it at that. I mean, that’s a personal feat of accomplishment, that’s a really big deal… But I’d be remiss if I didn’t share with you what I gained that made it so much more than that.

I didn’t give up on myself even when it was the easy thing to do. I moved past what I thought I could because I put more faith in Trust than in Fear. When I reached the end of my own strength – I grabbed the rope and let go.

Right is not always easy. Sometimes you have to go through the hard things so that you can become stronger. Sometimes you doubt yourself, sometimes you are afraid… but God reminded me that He is my Rock and my Fortress and my Deliverer. When life gets hard I naturally become afraid and worry about what to do next. I stubbornly cling to the things of this world when I fear they will be torn from me, unable and unwilling to let go of whatever I’m stuck on… terrified to fall back and hold ONLY the rope of my Faith, my belief that The Lord is the one who goes ahead of me, He will be with me, He will not fail me or forsake me so I should not fear or be dismayed (Deuteronomy 31:8).

This rock climb reminded me that I can’t see the path I need to take because I’m too close to it. There really was only enough light for the step I was on… and the only way I can move forward is if I trust the One who is guiding my step because He will never ask me to do something I cannot do. I need to rest in the knowledge that God knows what I can do because He made me who I am, knitting me in my mother’s womb. But more than that, I was reminded that no matter what, there will always be fear in my life, and even though I will fail, He will not. I can cling to Him in my fear and He will not let me fall from His hands. He is the ultimate Belay. (Belay – noun – describing an object sturdy enough for a running rope to be passed around it to secure a hold.)

So I ask you, who or what is your Belay? What do you cling to? Where have you anchored the rope of your life? Can you rest securely in the knowledge that your Belay will not crumble, will not move, will not waver, will not change or are you clinging to an object, a person, a thing that you fear could let you fall? It is my prayer that you will find a Belay that is and was and will always be sturdy enough for you to secure your life to and trust that it will always hold.

None of these things move me...

None of these things move me.

A simple sentence. It was the title of something that I read several weeks ago that has stayed with me. You see, the title was meant one way and I took it another. That is, I did until I continued to read and the meaning became clear. I was surprised to find that I was reading about a completely different subject than what I was prepared for. I started wondering how many people would automatically interpret the sentence the way I did.

None of these things move me.

When you read it, what does it mean to you?

To me when I read it I thought it meant that the article was going to be about “things” that didn’t arouse the authors emotions. You know, like when you watch what is supposed to be a touching scene in a movie and it doesn’t make you feel the way it’s intended to. I was even prepared for it to be about how our hearts don’t break for the things that break Christ’s heart; that we aren’t moved to action the way we are called to in Matthew 25:40 “The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.”

Would it surprise you as much as it surprised me to find out the actual meaning was that none of the things the author was talking about changed her faith in Christ or moved her from Him? Here I was expecting a complaint about how nothing made her feel something, or a message about not feeling moved to do something and instead I get a message of strength and rejoicing.

None of these things move me! I stand firm in the promise of The Lord!

But how? How do we go from listening to our hearts and our minds to being able to STAND FIRM? I think His Words will always be better than mine, so how about I start with them?

Ephesians 6:11-17

Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.

Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.

Stand firm therefore, HAVING GIRDED YOUR LOINS WITH TRUTH, and HAVING PUT ON THE BREASTPLATE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS, and having shod YOUR FEET WITH THE PREPARATION OF THE GOSPEL OF PEACE; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. And take THE HELMET OF SALVATION, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

But what does all of that mean? Here is what it means to me:

Your Truth prepares us for the action required of us as men and woman. Your Righteousness guards our hearts. The knowledge that we have been saved safeguards our minds. We can walk safely because of Your Gospel of Peace. Faith in You defends us when we are attacked. Your Word is the only thing we need to use to fight with, because while it is also a defense, it is all the offence we need.

Oh, how many times have I doubted your promise God? How many times have I listened to lies and felt afraid or confused and moved from You. How many times have I misinterpreted something’s meaning because of how my emotions directed me instead of standing firm in You? How many times have I forgotten that my defenses are ALL found in You and that I can fight my fear and all that stands against me by going back to Your Word. I am so sorry Father that I waver, that I doubt, that I do not see with my human eyes the things you want to show me with Your Holy Spirit! I know that You have given me everything I need to stand firm. Please Lord, help me to remember that ‘None of these things move me!’

Wordless Wednesday

No, that's your friend!

I went over to Kristin's house last week to visit with her and her kids for the evening. Technically, we were supposed to babysit for another friend's kids together, but they got sick so we decided to still get together and hang out. My little friend Sage (Kristin's daughter) grabbed my lanyard to look at what was hanging from it.

I have a key card, my old photo ID and my new photo ID - in reverse order of course, but that's what's on there. Sage saw the new photo ID and said, "what's this?" I said "That's me." Then she flipped and saw the old photo ID and asked "What's this?" and I said "That's me too." To which Sage replied. "No, Miss Ahaaay, that's your friend!"

Her mom and I shared a smile over Sage's head and said "okay." and I put the badge away as Sage became distracted by something more exciting. Still, what is it they say "Out of the mouths of babes." ? Every time I see my badges at work I am reminded of what my 3 year old friend told me. "No, that's your friend!"

You see, on my weight loss journey, I have a hard time thinking of "fat me" as my friend and not someone to judge or someone to ignore or someone hiding just beneath the surface of "thinner me" waiting to take over my life again. I was "fat me" for so much of my life. When I look back I have a hard time accepting her joys and her triumphs and being proud of her and cheering for her and who she was instead of focusing on who she wasn't. Sometimes I think "how do I get there without going back there?" Maybe if I just listen to that 3 year old... one day it will sink in - "No, (that's not me) that's your friend!"