Due to the behavior of your dog.

My mom used to work for the Town of Herndon. She was sort of the head girl in charge of the office. One of her duties included dealing with complaints and sending out correspondence to residents who were in violation of the Town Rules. One day a woman called in complaining about her neighbor’s dog. The animal was doing it’s business all over her yard and the owner didn’t even bother to clean it up. She was very irate and went on and on about the situation. My mother’s co-worker drafted a letter to the dog’s owner that said something along the lines of “You need to clean up your dog’s s—t from your neighbor’s yard or we will fine you.” Everybody had a good chuckle but obviously a letter from a Town Official could not go out like that. My mother typed another letter that instead began “Due to the behavior of your dog…”

That phrase has been part of our family lexicon for a very long time. Any time we want to say something mean but can’t we say instead we need to write a “Due to the behavior of your dog” letter. While my mother originated this and is talented at turning a phrase, I was gifted with the ability to take my anger and rage and turn it into the most genial and gracious form of writing. I have been using this very marketable skill in my line of work for years – to the point where superiors have had me write “Due to the behavior of your dog” letters for them. In fact I have what some people call a talent for being able to inform someone in writing that they are thoughtless and rude and have made a grievous error all the while making it sound as if I am paying them a compliment or am simply asking them for clarification in the nicest way imaginable.

In other words – I am passive aggressive. I can sugarcoat hostility like nobody’s business. The problem isn’t just that I am passive aggressive – it’s that I’m good at it. And when I put words to paper I find that I am even more skilled at twisting it so that it is far less recognizable than it would be if I had said it out loud. In fact, sometimes I don’t even realize I’m doing it – or if I do see it, I apply more nobler motives than I deserve. I can hide behind that all day long, but it doesn't make me feel any better about it.

I do believe I have a talent for writing and that it was a gift given to me by God (as I've learned are all gifts). The problem is it has been pretty well utilized by Satan my entire adult life. So - how do I use my gift for good instead of evil? Suggestions?

Hate

I tend not to make New Year's Resolutions. Just because it's a new year proclaiming to the world that I plan to change something about myself or what I do does not mean it is going to make it work. In fact, most gym memberships purchased in January fall into disuse come April - just saying.

Now, that doesn't mean that the New Year isn't a time of reflection on the past and changes shouldn't be made. In fact, I think it's a great idea to really put thought into your life and make changes whenever you are moved to - be it January 1st or October 31st - matters not.

Which brings me to the subject of this posting... Hate.

I use the word hate a lot. In fact, I use it far more than I should and as a sort of gross generalization. For example: I hate people. Yes, that phrase has left my mouth countless times. It is usually preceded by a situation where someone has been less than nice or has treated me as if I am slow or hard of hearing without bothering to realize I am a human being with feelings.

Then there is the more descriptive phrase: I hate stupid people. This one is usually preceded by a situation where someone asked me a pointless or redundant question or simply did something in a way that goes against how I thought it should have been done. (My way frequently being called the "right" way and their way being called the "wrong" way.)

Of course those are just the warm up phrases using hate... then we have - I hate the alarm clock, I hate this show, I hate this city, I hate this traffic, I hate this rain, I hate these new gas pumps that take forever, I hate my job, I hate this book, I hate - I hate - I hate...

Now, the question is am I really that full of HATE? An even better question... Do I want to be?

The answer is no. I don't want to be an "angerball" or a "hatemonger". Granted I know I am far from sunshine and rainbows shooting from my fingertips but that doesn't mean I have to spew venom everywhere I go. I am not saying I will never say HATE again... But I will try to watch how often the word comes out of my mouth. I don't resolve to do this... I try to do this - with a little prayer and a lot of hope that I will be worked on so that as the time passes, it won't be April and I'll be back to my hatin' ways...

What about you? Anyone out there have something they feel moved to change about their person?

Selfish Phase

So... hanging from the wall in my cubicle is a poem I wrote during one of the lowest points of my life after a really difficult breakup.

Selfish Phase

I'm doing things I want to do.
I'm learning things I thought I knew.
I'm having fun - without you.
It's a selfish phase.

I eat vanilla ice cream in bed.
Gaining 10 lbs. doesn't fill me with dread.
If I wanted to I could shave my head.
It's a selfish phase.

I curse like a sailor when I stub my toes.
I watch really crappy t.v. shows.
I threw out all my pantyhose.
It's a selfish phase.

I'm going where I want to go.
I'm growing how I want to grow.
I never tell myself no.
It's a selfish phase.

I flirt with all the men I meet.
When I'm in bed I get the sheets.
I haven't shaved my legs in weeks.
It's a selfish phase.

I can watch sappy movies and cry.
I never have to give reasons why.
I don't care about the size of my thighs.
It's a selfish phase.

I'm living life just for me.
I'm wild and young and so carefree.
I'm being who I need to be.
Must be that selfish phase.

And yes, I still have it up in my line of sight even after all these years. And yes, I am now happily married and have been for almost 5 years. It might seem a strange reminder to keep, but I have it because it reminds me of why my relationships before my husband didn't work. I had never been myself. I always bent to please someone else - changed who I was to make others happy. I swallowed my feelings and conformed to what I thought the other person wanted at the expense of what I wanted... really, at the expense of what I needed.

So when everything in my life fell apart - I finally realized that no one was going to love who I was unless I figured out who that was and let her be seen. I started down a road I had never been on before. What did I want? What did I need? What did I deserve? Where did I want to go and who did I want to be? What did I love about me and what did I want to change?

Now, while I know I need to be pruned... I also know that I was made who I am for a reason. God is sovereign in ALL things, including my personality. I am a loud person and I like to laugh and have a good time but I can't be "on" all the time. Sometimes I hurt and have doubts and am afraid and need comfort. I am not meek or subservient but I like to help people in need however I can. I have opinions and if I really believe in something I will fight for it but I don't like confrontation and avoid it like the plague. I am emotional and loving but I can be possessive and insecure.

I am a work in progress and I hope that is true of me all my life. I am truly blessed to have a husband who loves me for who I really am and not just a version of me. It is wonderful to know who you are - flaws and all, and be okay with it because you know someone else loves you unconditionally.

I know not everyone can be blessed with a husband as wonderful as mine... but everyone can be blessed with a Father who will love them through everything - their trials and tribulations as well as their joy and celebration. God's unconditional love is more than just a blessing... it really is everything and it is there for anyone who needs it. How amazing is that?

Merry Christmas

So, this Christmas I thought was going to be a great big bust. I mean, secularly speaking - since we are trying to save for a house - gift giving would be on the cheap side. That doesn't mean that I bought people crappy gifts - because I didn't. I put real thought into everything I bought. I gave no gift cards this year at all - everything had a meaning to it or was something I bought specifically for a person because I thought they would enjoy it.

Still, I struggled with what I like to call Giftmas Guilt... That's when people obviously spend more money on you than you did on them. I don't know why I have this need for everything to be equal on both sides... perhaps in a former life I was an accountant. All I know is that this year - I didn't let the Giftmas Guilt grow into a Guiltmonster that made me spend more money than I budgeted. I succeeded in not spending more than I felt comfortable doing and warned myself that others might spend more on me and I would just have to be okay with it.

And then - I get a gift from my brother in law. It's a check for $1,000.00 to help us buy a house. And the thing is - we need the money and even though we never would have asked for the money or planned on getting a gift that beyond the normal scope of gifts - that GUILTMONSTER reared it's ugly head and my first instinct was to feel horrible because we couldn't give him back anything to even come close to equaling his gift.

That's when the word came to me... GIFT. This was a God given gift - Jamie was moved to give us that money as a selfless GIFT - from his heart. I burst into tears and had to excuse myself. I thanked God and I thanked Jamie as well - but still in the back of my mind was the nagging inability to balance the scales of gift giving.

The thing that really helped ease my mind was listening to a sermon from last year at RBC. In it Paul Goodnight was talking about God's gift to us was really the Gift of a Gift. God gave us Jesus (a gift) which gave us the gift of Salvation. When someone gives a really extravagant gift (think a car in the driveway for a 16th birthday) if the person receiving that gift to were to say "Oh, it's too much, let me give you something for it" and tried to give $10.00 which was all they had - not only would it be offensive but it would be assigning a lesser worth to the gift.

If I try to repay Jamie - it cheapens it, not just for me, but for him. That is the beauty of a "real" gift. It's one without strings and from the heart - one that can't be repaid except with Love.

When keeping up is killing you...

So, this whole might have bitten off more than I can chew thing is NOT getting me down. It is however causing me to re-evaluate things a wee bit. There are soooooo many things I want to do and feel I need to do and think I have to do - but in reality, there are a lot of things that I can do differently to make time for other things.

This week, I'm taking a break from blogging my bible studies. I sat down with my book and my Bible and a highlighter pen. I read my book, opened my smaller bible with it's pretty color coded tabs and got down to business. I realized in trying to tackle it this way instead of on the computer several things will be different.

1. I will grow familiar with the layout of the Bible... perhaps even remembering where to find things in the physical one so that I can get a little faster when I do have to follow along in church.
2. I will be able to highlight my Bible as I go, that way when I read on my own I can connect it with my lessons.
3. I won't type out questions and answers - which could mean I don't remember things as well, but I hope that isn't the case.
4. I will have to trust that when I talk in study - the words will come out right - even though I haven't written out everything I want to say beforehand.
5. It will take more back and forth time and I might get frustrated more because of too many books to go through, but in the short term it actually seems faster.

So... now that I have finished my studies - 5 hours later - (not bad for doing two!) I am going to work on my Christmas Gifts.

Textless Tuesday...

Swine Flu

Shamelessly stolen from a friend: