Yes, Jesus Loves Me...

So... after having a little crying jag in Bible Study - I got to thinking about the "why's" of my emotions... The thing is, I wasn't crying about my past. I know compared to other people – I really got off easy in a lot of ways. Yes, my childhood was difficult but I think I’ve done a good job of facing it and putting it in my past. Granted, every now and then it pops out to make a point – but for the most part it stays well behind me where it belongs.

I guess this past week it popped up because of the reading and I’m kind of glad that it did. Strike that – I’m really glad that it did! I’m a firm believer in trying to turn the bad stuff in your life into something positive – using it as a tool to learn and grow. The abuse I dealt with as a child (physical, sexual, emotional and mental) made me who I am today. While I am stronger because of it - I have erected a very thick protective shell to keep me from getting hurt – and although I am a sensitive person, I don’t let a whole lot of people inside my inner walls where I’m vulnerable.

And I am vulnerable – as much as I bluster and try to pretend that I’m strong and capable and self reliant – there’s still a child in me that longs to be loved unconditionally – who wants to be seen as not just good enough but as perfect, as worthy of love and gentleness. The author connected me to 4 year old me – to 7 year old me – to 12 year old me – to all the “Me’s” of my past who dealt with every abuse and wanted to cry “too much – not fair!”. To the child inside who longed for someone to stand up and say “Enough! I’ll make it stop.”

That’s not to say that no one ever took my side as a child. But whenever someone did stand up for me – it always ended up being short lived, a brief reprieve from the inevitable punishment that would come again. And although sometimes I felt the severity of my punishment was not congruent with what I had done to deserve it – I always knew I was bad. I think that’s why I’ve always had such a hard time with God/Jesus. I understood sin and punishment all too well. I knew I would “get what I deserved” even if in my eyes I thought it was too harsh a punishment. I never saw God as a loving God, but rather as a stern father and taskmaster – one who punished with an iron fist. Fully knowing that I would never be good enough, always waiting for the hammer to fall – I had a hard time having a personal relationship with Him.

So even though I knew that Jesus was my savior – I believed He died on the cross and that His blood was my ticket to heaven - it was an abstract kind of thing. Deep down I think it was too much to hope for that anyone would take it ALL when they didn’t have to. And then I read: “The meaning of Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, then, is that Jesus by His death turned aside the wrath of God from us by taking it upon Himself. As He hung on the cross, He bore our sins in His body and endured the full force of God’s wrath in our place.”

Full force of God’s wrath… Jesus stood in my place and took my beating for me. He took every punishment that God thought I deserved so that I wouldn’t have to. He loved me so much that He not only bled for me – He DIED for me… no one in my life had ever done that. No one not only stood up for me against an angry punisher but took my beating for me. I finally felt a personal connection. I not only understood it as a concept – I FELT HIS LOVE. It poured into my heart and it healed pain I didn’t know I had. But more than that – it showed me that God loved me too. He loved me so much that instead of punishing me (just another imperfect creation) He sacrificed His Son. He gave His most perfect creation to me so that I wouldn’t have to hurt – so that I wouldn’t have to die.

In my head at this moment I have a song I’ve known since childhood playing in a loop:

Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak but He is Strong.
Yes, Jesus Loves me.
Yes, Jesus Loves me.
Yes, Jesus Loves me.
The Bible tells me so.

It only took me 31 years, but I finally get it – and it is so personal and amazing… I can’t help but smile.

Well, don't you look nice today?

Really? It sounds like a compliment - but somehow makes me feel like I look like crap every other day. Maybe it's just me...

If you want to destroy my sweater...

I really don't like shopping. GASP! I'm female and I don't like shopping? That's right! Shopping is one of my least favorite things to do. I always feel fat and frumpy. I'm short and so things never just fit right. Pants are always too long and shirts are a nightmare! If they fit in the shoulders they are too tight at the waist – if they fit at the waist, they’re too wide in the shoulder… Or, if by some miracle I can manage to find something that fits at the shoulder and isn’t too tight at the waist – it comes down to mid thigh which makes me look even shorter than I already am. Granted, if my desire is to look like I’m wearing a tent I win!

Of course, I don't usually go for that look on purpose. I admit I end up there a lot though. People look at me and wonder why I wear clothes that don’t fit me – and the answer is I get so frustrated I give up. Why not just keep wearing the oversize clothes? I mean, it's easier. And luckily I have a job where no one cares what I look like and I don't have to deal with the frustration of trying to look like I can dress myself. Sadly, I want a job where they treat me like a person... and I guess to get a job like that I have to wear clothes that look "professional" - which means shopping...

So I start off at a strong shopping disadvantage. To begin with I have to use my imagination to think of what it could look like if I have it altered to fit my body. If I do find something to wear - I have to put in far more analysis than most people. Here’s what my head sounds like when I’m in the dressing room:

Okay – it doesn’t fit over my stomach. That’s disgusting.
Next.
Even with a camisole this would look like I’m wearing my moms shirt.
Next.
ARGH! How does this make me look like a pregnant woman with an A cup?
Next.
I’m not a 70 year old woman – I shouldn’t look like I am someone’s grandma.
Next.
Okay – well, this one isn’t too bad… I mean, it’s kind of long – I’d definitely need it hemmed… how much is it? $60.00!!!! So I have to spend $60.00 just to get a SHIRT that doesn’t even fit me right? This is not fair. (Takes deep breath)
Well, I need a new shirt… and this is the best one they’ve got… the color is flattering… it would only take maybe $10.00/20.00 to have it altered… So that’s $70.00/80.00 for a SHIRT! (You can’t spend $80.00 on a shirt.) But it’s the only one in the ENTIRE store that fits me (You could buy 7 t-shirts at Wal-Mart for the price of this shirt.) But 7 t-shirts at Wal-Mart won’t get me a better office job… I hate this. *cries*

This happens in EVERY store. When things don't fit me I take it personally - which I know logically is absolutely ridiculous - but it's always been this way. I know this is my body and I have to accept it – but it is really hard for me. And even harder than that is the fact that I can’t use the excuse that clothes don’t fit me because I’m a plus size girl. Other people can pick things off the hanger in the exact same size as me and fall in love with them and feel great about themselves and how they look. Granted watching that happen makes me a little bitter and I end up feeling even worse about my experience being so horrible – which of course makes me feel guilty. I mean, everyone should be able to put clothes on and appreciate how they look in them. Just because I can’t do that doesn’t mean I should begrudge anyone else that feeling even if it is hard to watch their joy when all I want to do is cry in frustration.

Still, it’s not going to change – I’m never going to have that automatic “I LOVE THIS” moment for anything more than shoes, jewelry, a purse or a sweater that doesn’t button, – which I just have to accept. It’s something I have to work on – but my husband has graciously offered to be my shopping buddy so that I don’t have to chose between feeling guilty or doing it alone. Maybe I should just shop online...