My Dad and a Hookah Bar...

My Dad was a lot of things.

He was a son. He was a husband. He was a father. He was a disciplinarian. He was a provider. He was a boss. He was an employee. He was a world traveler – maybe even a spy. That’s a lot of things to be, especially at one time. Many of those titles he carried caused him stress. Especially the ‘father’ one.

I know I caused more grey hairs than I should have. Dad and I had a tumultuous relationship, to say the least. We butted heads more times than I can count. It took me a long time to see him as more than the interloper who took my mom’s attention away, and even longer to see him as more than just my disciplinarian. It took me longer still to see him as a Father who loved me and was just doing what he thought was right, the best way he knew how.

One of the things that helped me see my dad in a new light was the letter he sent to me when I was away at a Christian retreat. I thank God for the blessing that letter has brought to me. It is a treasured possession. When I read it I can hear his voice now that he is gone. Having a father share in his own words about his feelings and his reasons for living his life the way he did, is not something every child gets. I am grateful for the gift of it.

One of the other things that helped me to see my dad differently was a trip several years ago to a hookah bar.

After having a less than ideal dinner celebration for mom’s birthday at the Cheesecake Factory, we were getting ready to head home when I commented on a conversation I overheard in the ladies room. Upon expressing my ignorance over not knowing what in the world a hookah bar was, my Dad decided an education was in order. After an incredulous “You don’t know what a hookah bar is!?” he made a (possibly illegal) U-Turn and drove us to Sahara, in Sterling.

This is where I saw something akin to the rarity of an actual bigfoot sighting. I saw my Dad relax. I saw his barriers sort of melt away. His posture changed, his attitude changed, everything changed as soon as the hookah was put in front of him. Yes my dad took charge of the evening and our experience, but more like an excited kid wanting to share something enjoyed than a know-it-all trying to show off to the uneducated. He taught me a lot that night. He showed me that hot tea is better with some fresh mint in it and that a restaurant can be a home away from home. We had a wonderful time and I got to see what my dad was like as just a man instead of a father, a disciplinarian, a provider, a boss…

My Dad died a year ago tomorrow. Surprisingly, I’ve found I miss all the things that annoyed me when he was alive. All those times I would sigh and shake my head and say “oh, Dad!”. Even the things that irritated me… what I wouldn’t give to butt heads with him one more time! But over this past year, when I’ve missed him the most – when I’ve wanted to feel close to him in some way – I’ve gone back to the hookah bar. I can’t help but think the man I saw that night is who he would want me to remember. And I’m not the only person that remembers him when I go there.

You see, Dad apparently spent more time at Sahara than anyone knew. So much time that he had his own waiter. When I went there for the first time a few months after his death I took his picture with me. As we went to leave I felt compelled to tell the people there that he wouldn’t be coming back anymore. When I shared the picture with the woman who had served us (one of the owners) she recognized Dad immediately. She commented on how funny and wonderful he had always been and quickly called out to one of the other workers to go get Sameer. When Sameer came and I told him that Dad had died, he cried. He asked if he could keep the picture because Dad had been his friend. A year later, Sameer has his own hookah bar and remembers my father who was his friend. He is my friend now too. Every time I see Sameer, I am reminded that we share a picture of my Dad as a person not a lot of people got to see.

I miss my Dad a lot. I wish I had the chance to get to know him better as a person instead of all those other titles he carried that weighed him down so much. I love you, Dad. I’ll see you and Sameer tomorrow.

Preparing for the Day:

In Mark 1:37 it talks about how Everyone is looking for Jesus. Granted, a few verses before this (21-34) He’s teaching in the synagogue as if he was the author of what he’s teaching (with authority) and he’s healed a bunch of people and cast out demons. I would imagine those things not only drew attention to Him, but maybe made people want a lot more from him. Of course, maybe not everyone wanted something from him, but it does say that everyone was looking for him. Which made me wonder if anyone else was trying to use that situation to their advantage.

Immediately I thought about Satan’s direct temptation of Christ in the wilderness (Mark 1:13). Now, after 40 days of tempting doesn’t work, would Satan just give up? I don’t think he works that way. I think if a direct approach doesn’t work, he tries an indirect one instead. For example – using other people. It works on me all the time. Too much attention and praise – I fall to pride. The demand of other people and their needs – I fall to impatience and unrighteous anger. And I know I’m not the only one that falls short when other people enter the equation. I mean, his reaction to people’s complaints is what kept Moses from stepping foot into the promised land. So I tried to put myself in the metaphorical shoes of The Great Tempter. I thought, if one moment of temper ‘caused’ by a bunch of sinners was good enough to trip up Moses, just maybe it could work on Christ.

But see, Christ isn’t just any man. For one thing, he’s omniscient – so he knows what’s going to happen. And because he knows what’s going to happen, he can prepare. Which made me wonder about how he prepared to deal with all these people who were looking for him, who wanted a piece of him and who satan could potentially use to try and cause him to fail. How did he prepare for his day and what can I learn from it?

Well, in Mark 1:35 it says that He went early in the morning, before it was even light outside, away from the house (where people were) to a secluded (quiet and private) place to pray to God. He began his day asking God what He wanted before any imperfect person had a chance to ask him anything else. He consulted with His Father and listened to Him speak. And I can too. I have the capability to get my behind up out of bed early enough to go to a quiet place and talk to my Heavenly Father. I have the opportunity to listen to God’s direction for me each morning before all the clamor and noise intrudes from my daily routine. I have the gift of spending time with God every morning because he loves me and what do I do?

Well, this morning I hit the snooze button. Effectively, this is the conversation that could have happened:
God: (by way of my alarm clock buzzing) Good morning! Rise and shine! Let’s spend some time together!
Me: (by hitting the snooze button the first time) Ummm, no thanks. I think I just want to sleep a little longer. I’m kind of tired.
God: (by buzzing again) How about now, daughter? You ready to hear about what great things I have planned for you today?
Me: (hitting the buzzer again) Aaaaaahhhhhhhh, not really. I think I’d rather just get a LITTLE more sleep.
God: (not going off again till I HAD to get up) Okay. If that’s what you really want.

Granted, in the moment, that bed sure was comfy, but looking back on the day I’ve had today… I was extremely short tempered and cranky all day long. It’s no one’s fault but my own. God gave me so many opportunities to talk to Him in the still, in the quiet, so that I could prepare. But I turned him down. And who wins when that happens? Definitely not me.

A Just Balance and Scales BELONG to the LORD...

Proverbs 16:11 says: A just balance and scales belong to the LORD; All the weights of the bag are His concern.


Just giving it a cursory reading it says to me: Renee, justice belongs to God, and the fairness/unfairness are his concern, not yours. Which seems like it’s telling me to quit complaining about life not being fair because it’s not my concern, it’s Gods.

But is there something more to this verse that my superficial reading is missing?

Shall we get out the dictionary and break it down?

First up: A just balance and scales belong to the LORD.
Just is a synonym for Fair.
Balance and scales are the things that items are measured with.
Belong can mean that something is the property of someone or something else – the just and balanced scales are the property of God.

BUT:

Belong can also mean to be an attribute, part or function of a person or thing – the just and balanced scales are an attribute of God, part of who He is.

Instead of telling me simply that Justice belongs to God (which is true) it could also be telling me that Part of God’s very nature is being fair and just.

Next up: All the weights of the bag are His concern.
All the weights of the bag refers to the standard used to measure. There should be one weight but sometimes people would use differing weights in their bag to cheat others.
Concern can be defined as ‘being the business of’ again, making my original understanding that the weights of the bag are his business, not mine accurate.
BUT:

Concern can also mean ‘to care’. Meaning that He cares about all the weights of the bags and in turn their fairness/unfairness.

Now we have two sort of different views on this verse:

Renee, justice belongs to God and the fairness/unfairness is his business not yours.
and
Renee, God’s very nature is being fair and just; which is why he cares about the fairness of the weights of the bag.

Both things are necessary for me to hear.

Knowing that by His own nature God is Fair and Just and that He cares about the weights of the bag (fairness in measure) helps me. Focusing on His desire for justice and fairness helps release some of my own desire to be in charge of the scales which belong to Him. It helps me to see that it’s okay for me to give up my desire to exact my own payment and compensation when I believe the weight’s in the bag are deceptive and false because I know God, who does everything perfectly, will mete out justice perfectly as well.

No, things will not be perfect here on earth. Yes I will have to deal with life not being fair. I will constantly long for fairness and justice – which is right and good. However, I can be freed from the burden of holding onto bitterness and a desire to retaliate against the injustice and unfairness I have and will face here on earth. How? By realizing that one day all of that will be taken care of by someone with far more power than I will ever have. I can let go and instead of worrying with justice I can concern myself with trying harder to show God’s Love and Mercy – which I am so thankful I receive in abundance every day.

If Glory means Weight

This morning I learned that another word for Glory was weight. That information has sort of been niggling in my brain all day, hence the post.  Let me forewarn you - it is going to be pretty stream of conciousness - so please forgive me.  It's not going to be the prettiest of posts but it's how my mind was working today and I wanted to get it down before it escaped me. 

If Glory means weight, what does that change?

      Weight is (usually) something that can be measured.

What do we use to measure weight?

     A scale.

When I think of a scale what image comes to mind?

With that type of scale, there are two places for the weights to sit… why?
    Because you are measuring one thing against another.



A definition for weight can be the relative (measure of) importance or authority accorded something/someone or the measurable influence it has on other’s.

Based on that definition, what is it that I’m trying to weigh?
     God’s importance/authority/influence

And what am I weighing against God’s Glory?

     Everything I give importance/authority/influence to.

Why should I weigh everything against God?

     How else can I see the truth of what really is getting the “glory” in my eyes?

What does that change?
    Like the “scales of justice” I am too often blind. Not only are the weight’s of my scale imbalanced, they’re imbalanced because of false weights! Instead of giving the Glory to God’s side of the scales, I give importance to the world, to other people, to other things.

 

1 Peter 4:11

Whoever speaks, is to do so as one who is speaking the utterances of God; whoever serves is to do so as one who is serving by the strength which God supplies; so that in ALL things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.

Broken Girl

Just heard this song today and it really touched my heart and I wanted to share it.  Not everyone has this specific issue in their life, but I feel like a lot of us living in this broken world might identify with the "broken girl" in this song. 

Broken Girl Video

If Anger was Coffee…

So today I was talking to a wise woman about anger. Specifically my anger. She asked me if she had told me about the story about the cup and when I admitted that she hadn’t, she smiled. She picked up her cup of Starbucks and held it in her hand and asked me:

“If I took the lid off this cup, held it in one hand and hit it as hard as I could with the other hand, what would happen?”

“Well,” I said, “It would spill out.”
“What would spill out?” She prompted.
“The coffee…” I said, more confused than when this conversation began.

She smiled a bit more. “Yes! And if I went to the kitchen and emptied the cup and filled it with water and came back, held it in one hand and hit it as hard as I could with the other, what would happen?”

Suddenly, as if a switch had been flipped, I got it “Water would spill out!”

In that moment a very vivid picture sprang to mind of me being a cup, full up to the top with coffee (in my mind a dirty combination of sin mixed with good intentions – sort of a liquid version of filthy rags if you will). When I get hit obviously something is bound to come out of me – it’s only natural. Now the person doing the hitting might be the ‘cause’ of the splash, but they don’t determine what that splash is made of – I do. See, whatever is inside of me is what comes out. I can either be full of coffee or I can be full something else - like water, that doesn’t leave a huge stain when it ends up all over the floor.

It wasn’t until later when I was mulling this over that I something occurred to me. I was thinking about wanting to be a cup full of water – how appealing that thought was, when suddenly it dawned on me that I am full of water - Living Water.

John 7:37-38

On the last day of the feast, the great day, Jesus stood up and cried out, “If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water’”

As a believer of Christ I have the ability to allow living water flow out of my heart. I have the ability to be a water glass and not a coffee cup. In fact, wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could be a water pitcher and let that beautiful living water just spill everywhere I go? But, let’s face it – instead of being a pitcher or even a water glass, I’m a coffee cup – some days I rinse myself out and try to be a water glass. Other days, I get knocked over and realize I didn’t rinse as well as I thought because when I look down there’s coffee all over the floor again.

Still, because of Christ, I know that I have the power to decide if that coffee spilling out is going to be a lot or if I’m going to grab my cup and put a God size lid on it before I make a big ole mess. It’s definitely something to work on, and towards. Just the thought of tackling such a big job has left me thirsty. Better go grab some water.

Definitive

Whenever anyone has tried to teach me something, it never fails that they will give me the rundown of the rules and regulations and finish by saying “Now, be careful, there is always an exception to the rule” For that very reason, I have been encouraged to avoid definitive’s like ‘always’ or ‘never’. I mean, it can’t always be one way if there is sometimes an exception. No one wants to look foolish by making a promise and then being unable to keep it.

I get that. Since I’m not perfect I can’t guarantee anything I do or say won’t have an exception. I might want to say NEVER or ALWAYS with complete sincerity. That doesn’t mean I have the power to follow through on it. I mean, I can say I will never leave someone and then have something out of my control tear me away from them. I can say I will always be on time but have something out of my control make me late. My point being, I can only strive for Never and Always – I can’t promise it.

Which got me to thinking about how hard it is to trust in other people’s promises. Knowing that I’m not perfect and even the best of my intentions doesn’t mean I can successfully follow through – how can I possibly trust anyone else’s never or always? Well, I can’t. If I do, I’ll get hurt when they don’t follow through. Does that mean I shouldn’t believe the best in people? No. It means that I should be honest about their abilities so that when they do break that definitive, that absolute – I can remember that it isn’t their fault. I can remember to cut them some slack. I can remember to forgive them for being imperfect.

Perhaps the reminder of imperfection was what I needed to bring me back to the fact that there is someone who can declare those definitive’s. God. He alone has the power to follow through on every promise, every declaration. Sometimes though it’s very much a head knowledge and not a heart knowledge.

This morning as I was driving into work the word Grace came to mind. But when it did, it came to mind in all capital letters going down a page – waiting for me to come up with words for each letter. This is what I came up with:

God’s
Redemption
Always
Covers
Everything

It’s a really simple idea, really. So simple that when I say it out loud my brain automatically says “duh, you know that!”

But if I know that, why is it that sometimes I forget? Why is it that when I do something wrong I forget that God’s redemption is big enough to cover everything, even the thing I think is so big it can’t. Why do I forget sometimes that there is never a time when God won’t love me because I’m always covered by His redemption of me?

Maybe it’s because I make my God smaller than He is, less than He is and more like the people in my life who are imperfect. I forget how Amazing and Awesome and Perfect in Power He is. I forget that because I’ve been redeemed He doesn’t see all the ugly imperfect things in my life as my definitive. I forget that his GRACE, the very embodiment of His love – covers a multitude of sins. Including the fact that I forget.

Words

I like words. Long words, short words, nouns, adjectives, superlatives – really, I like them all. They can be used in so many ways. They can tell you fact or fiction. They can make you cry or laugh or anything in between. Words can be so much more than ink on a page or pixels on a screen. Words can come to life in your mind’s eye and help you see things in ways you might never have seen before. Honestly, I feel like God has given me a gift that allows me to paint pictures using words and I am so thankful for that gift.

The only problem is that sometimes I am verbose, meaning overly wordy, impaired by wordiness. I don’t usually see my wordsmithiness (a word I just made up) as an impairment. However, I got an email forwarded today about me that said:

Why is Renee Bundy writing such long emails? The client said that he spoke with AGS several times and set a date for this Friday 8-12pm. We really need to keep emails clear & productive or we will have no time to sell and thus nothing to deliver ;) Please share?

I’m not going to go into my reasons for why her 2nd sentence is not a complete truth or even justify why it is I send long emails because I could probably go on far longer than I need to. Instead I’m going to focus on the fact that their asking me to write less makes me feel attacked somehow.

Of course, when I feel that way my first instinct is to say: “Oh yeah, that’s what you want… I’ll give you EXACTLY what you’ve asked for – no problem!” Can you hear that sound? It’s me passive-aggressively going to war. See, I’m a ‘letter of the law’ kind of gal – to the extent of viciousness. When I get hit, I hit back. When someone else goes in thinking they’ve won I set out to show them that they haven’t won anything. You want short emails? Well, you can’t get much shorter than one word, right? If I just forward emails that say “Advise.” that should meet their requirements and prove my point. Clearly after some time to think about it they will prefer my way once they realize their way causes them to do more work. War won.

Come on, seriously? That’s what I want to do? I want to waste my time and hold onto that anger and self righteousness? I want to prove a point so badly that I’m willing to become the most ridiculous person on the planet? Why does it matter that everyone agree my way is better? Why do I need them to regret asking me to change my ways to please them? Why do I care so much to begin with? Why do I let this take up my time, effecting my day and robbing me of my peace? What do I need to learn from this, Lord? What do you want to teach me today?

And He says to me (in James 1:19-21 and 3:17-18):

This you know, my beloved (brethren). But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger, for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. Therefore, putting aside all filthiness and all that remains of wickedness, in humility receive the word implanted which is able to save your souls.

But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

I know I shouldn’t get angry and that anger doesn’t achieve God’s righteousness… I know that righteousness is something that those who make peace plant and harvest… but I have a right to be angry. I’m just doing my job. There’s nothing wrong with doing my job well and wanting others to do theirs well. There’s nothing wrong with making them see that they’re wronging me Father.

And He answers me (in Isaiah 51:6-7):
Lift up your eyes to the sky,
Then look to the earth beneath;
For the sky will vanish like smoke,
And the earth will wear out like a garment
And its inhabitants will die in like manner;
But My salvation will be forever
And My righteousness will not wane.
Listen to Me, you who know righteousness,
A people in whose heart is My law:
Do not fear the reproach of man,
Nor be dismayed at their reviling.

How can I help but be dismayed when they revile (assail with contemptuous language, address or speak of abusively) me. You tell me not to be dismayed (broken down in courage, alarmed or perturbed, disquieted greatly in mind or agitated) but how can I not react that way when they’re clearly wrong in how they are treating me?

And He answers me (in Romans 3:9-11):
What then? Are we better than they? Not at all; for we have already charged that both Jews and Greeks are all under sin; as it is written, There is none righteous, not even one!

Yes, we’re all sinners. But I’m not saying I’m better than they are. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with doing exactly as they ask and obeying the “letter of the law” since that’s what they want.

And He responded with (Romans 7:5-6):
For while we were in the flesh, the sinful passions which were aroused by the Law, were at work in the members of our body to bear fruit for death. But now we have been released from the Law, having died to that by which we were bound, so that we serve in newness of the Spirit and not in oldness of the letter.

I know that I’m not bound by “the law” Father. I’m not talking about being free from Your laws. I know that salvation freed me from that… I’m just… I can’t help being agitated and upset by them when they’ve wronged me, Lord. I just want to show them – I want them to regret what they’ve done – I want to pay them back just a little by giving them what they think they want.

And His response (Romans 12:18-19, 21):
If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God for it is written “vengeance is mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

But… it’s hard to just let it go when I’ve been provoked.

And He answers me (in Deuteronomy 9:6-7):
Know, then it is not because of your righteousness that the LORD your God is giving you this good land to possess, for you are a stubborn people. Remember, do not forget how you provoked the LORD your God to wrath in the wilderness; from the day that you left the land of Egypt until you arrived at this place, you have been rebellious against the LORD.

Oh, LORD. Yes. I have been rebellious against You. You forgive me that and more even though You have every right to hold Your wrath around You – keeping Your very presence from me. I’m so thankful that I can come to You, even in my sin, and learn from You. I’m thankful for Your unending patience with me. I’m thankful for the gift of Your Son that allows me to experience a full relationship with You.
Father, Forgive me for not respecting and appreciating that great gift.

I am stubborn Father. I am stubborn and angry and vengeful and I have no right to be. I have no justification on my own outside of Christ. I’m sorry for trying to justify my sin to you. I’m sorry for not just seeing and accepting Your words and putting them into practice in my life. I am sorry for blaming others instead of looking at my own failings. I’d rather have You look at their mistakes instead of pointing out my own. I know that you shine Your light on me to throw into stark contrast those things that are not Christ-like about me – those shadows that my sin likes to hide in.

I pray that you will continue to shine Your light on me, Father, exposing my sins to me. Even though part of the reason I hate to see them is because I secretly love them. Please help me to love nothing more than I love You. Please help me to forgive as I have been forgiven and love as I am loved. Please help me to live a life made up of more than just mere words - help me Father, to live out Your Words.

I ask these things in the precious name of your Son. Amen.

Sorrow vs. Shame

Right now my shepherd group is reading a book called “When people are big and God is small”. I’ve been struggling not to read (too far) ahead so that I’m “fresh” for our group discussions. I say struggling because God has really been speaking to me through the book and I find that I just want to keep reading to see what He will show me. The main focus so far seems to be “the fear of man”, which has me thinking about things more than I normally would. For one thing, it has brought to light my sincere dislike of the word fear. For another, it has prompted me to really think about the differences between “God” and “Man”. I’m not just talking about the big differences like ‘perfect vs. imperfect’ either. I’m wrestling more specifically with how different my own reactions to those differences are. I feel like I need to know why my reactions are different. There are so many thought’s winding through my brain that it seems the act of following one thought to its conclusion is like trying to unravel a tangled piece of string. It feels like the thing God really wants me to grasp is there at the end of untangling all these fleeting thoughts. I know it’s worth it, I just need to work my way through.

So, here I go, just like division in 5th grade math – showing my work to try to find the answer or the mistake:

One of the things I’ve been mulling over is the premise that one of the reasons we are afraid of man is because we are ashamed: ashamed of who we are, or what we do or think, or how we look in regards to other people. We are afraid of being seen and ashamed that we are or we will be judged (fairly or not) by another person and we won’t measure up in their eyes. This idea of fear and being ashamed sort of got stuck in my head. I know fear and shame are both “feelings” and feelings are kind of murky and hard to explain. I mean, what exactly is the definition of fear, of shame? I figured I’d get out a dictionary:

Fear: a) a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. Synonyms: Dismay, dread, terror, fright, panic.
Fear: b) reverential awe, especially toward God. Synonyms: awe, respect, reverence.
Shame: The painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, done by oneself or another.
Ashamed: Feeling shame; distressed or embarrassed by feelings of guilt, foolishness or disgrace.
Disgrace: Put out of grace or favor.

Okay, I’m going to start with ‘fear’ and my dislike of that word. It’s because of definition “a” that I dislike the word. Really? Who wants to feel any of that? That definition of fear is automatically my go to because it defines a feeling I have known my whole life. I’ve felt all those synonyms in different situations. I’ve dreaded going to work because of having to deal with people. I’ve been dismayed by looking at the caller ID and seeing it’s someone I want to avoid. I’ve been panicked because I’m running late and it will upset someone else. I’ve been terrified of being punished for something I did as well as for something I didn’t do.

For a long time I associated that kind of fear with God because I didn’t realize there was another definition for Fear. But looking at it now, I have to agree with the need to ‘fear’ God. I believe God deserves my respect and should be treated with reverence. I should hold Him in awe and look on Him in amazed wonder and not just because He is perfect and almighty and created the universe. He gave up His perfect Son to save imperfect me. He let His son die so that I could live forever. Would I sacrifice myself or someone I loved that way? If that selfless, loving, beautiful act does not deserve my awe, and respect and reverence – I can think of nothing else that would. How strange that two definitions for the same word can have a completely different ‘feeling’.

Which leads me to the feeling of shame. Isn’t it something that both shame and fear use the word pain as a descriptor? I have felt the pain of both fear and shame before, so many times in fact I’d be hard pressed to narrow them down to try to pick the “best” example. I’ve been humiliated and shamed in front of others as well as in private, for things I’ve done and for things done to me. Let me just say I am not a fan of shame in any form, be it public humiliation or private embarrassment. There was not a separate sub-definition that said “regarding God” like there was for fear. So I went looked up ashamed to see if it would have something about God. The phrase ‘feelings of disgrace’ caught my eye so I looked up disgrace and started thinking.

You see, I know without a single doubt that I cannot be put out of God’s Grace. It is a gift God gave to me when I was saved. The moment I admitted my own failings and imperfections and my need for a savior and I accepted that my need had already been met and my sin paid for by the death of Christ on the cross I was forgiven and made a child of God. That unmerited, undeserved favor, love and kindness once given cannot be taken away. As long as I continue to believe in the truth of my salvation it doesn’t matter how many mistakes I make – God will never leave me or forsake me, he will always love me and treat me with kindness even though on my own, I would never deserve it.

So if I know that I cannot be put out of God’s Grace then how can I feel ashamed before Him? Asking myself that question helped me realize that I haven’t. God has never made me feel ashamed. Don’t get me wrong, God has rebuked me and God has called me out for my wrong doings. I have fallen to my knees in His presence and known beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am a sinner and my heart is black and undeserving of His Love, His Grace or His Mercy. But even on my knees, even confessing my sin to Him, He never made me feel ashamed. So since it isn’t shame I feel with God I wanted to figure out what exactly it is I do feel.

The answer is of course another definition or five:

Fear: reverential awe, respect, reverence.
Guilt: the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong. A feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong.
Sorrow: distress caused by loss, affliction, disappointment; grief, sadness, or regret.
Grace: unmerited favor or goodwill. Synonyms: kindness, love, mercy.
Mercy: Compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy or other person in one’s power.

I begin by resting in the fact that He is worthy of my awe and respect and reverence. I come before an awesome God saved but still flawed and in need of forgiveness for my sins so that I can be as close to Him as my heart desires me to be. When I make a mistake, when I sin, it causes a rift in my relationship with God just as it would cause a rift in any relationship. I feel guilt, just like I would if I’d hurt a friend by doing something wrong. If I acknowledge my mistake, if I take responsibility for it, I feel sorrow. I feel distress at the loss of closeness with God, I feel regret for having caused the rift in the relationship, I feel disappointment with myself for making the mistake. I don’t feel self conscious or worry about what God is going to think about me. I don’t feel ridiculous or embarrassed, no it’s not shame I feel it’s sorrow.

But why is there this difference? Why do I feel shame with people and sorrow with God? Is it that I trust God and I don’t trust people? Is it because God is perfect and so is His Grace and His Mercy?

How is it that I unravel the jumbled thoughts in my head thinking that is where God will give me answers and I find more questions?

Proverbs 2:
If you receive my words
and treasure up my commandments with you,
making your ear attentive to wisdom
and inclining your heart to understanding;
yes, if you call out for insight
and raise your voice for understanding,
if you seek it like silver
and search for it as for hidden treasures,
then you will understand the fear of the Lord
and find the knowledge of God.

Guess I need to keep seeking like silver, searching for it as for hidden treasures.