Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Babies… I’m surrounded by Babies!!!

None of them are mine… and that makes me sad sometimes. Sometimes it makes me more than sad. Sometimes I have to fight against being bitter and wallowing in the fact that more than anything else I want a baby (of my own or store bought, whichever) to raise and love. For those of you not in the know, John and I have been trying for almost 3 years now with no success. We’ve come to the decision that it’ll happen in God’s time and we are trying to be patient. Sometimes I think being patient would be so much easier for me if I weren’t surrounded by kids – that I wouldn’t miss what I don’t have if I didn’t see it all the time.

The thing is – it really feels like this is where God wants me to be – surrounded by babies. I mean, a year ago He put us into a shepherd group where every single couple in it had at least 1 toddler and was pregnant or became pregnant. Other couples that came after us also had multiple little blessings of their own. John and I were the only couple to not have children and it was HARD at first. To be so surrounded by what you want most in the world… oh, the bitterness began to swell at first.

But God is great in all His wisdom. Because these parents we were surrounded by were all so… like us. They got our humor and our pain. They supported us and listened to us as we opened up to them. We forged friendships based on real life and we bonded with them even as we got to watch and listen and learn from their struggles and triumphs. We also got to fall in love with their children along the way.

Each of those bundles of energy and joy and sass have staked out a special place in my heart. When one of the babies giggles or smiles at me – I feel such joy. When I get to rock one of the boys and cuddle and coo at them – I feel such comfort. When one of the girls sees me and runs to hug me, or asks me to pick her up or whispers a giggled secret in my ear – I am overcome with emotion. When two of the little girls randomly told me that they loved me – I went home and cried.

The love of a child is a gift. It is precious. It is wonderful. Does it matter if that child isn’t yours and never will be? No! I might never have children of my own. But God has given me children to love and to love me in return. For love of those precious babies, I wanted to help get the Children’s Ministry at our new church home ready for them. I also wanted to do something to be a part of their Sundays – and still have time to do other things I had committed to.

That is why I volunteered to help before and after each of the services. There’s only one problem… it’s not enough! When I’m with the kids and their little faces light up seeing me there and they want me to stay and check on them or walk them to the clubhouse or stay with them and sing – I don’t want to tell them I can’t. I love being with the kids and watching them learn and grow. I love being able to make them smile and help them solve little disputes. I love being around their joy and excitement. I feel like they love having me there too... not just the little ones who know me, but other children there seem to just come to me – like they know there is a space in my heart that is empty and waiting.

Still, I feel conflicted between “feeding” myself at the adult bible study I go to during second service and “serving” the children (and myself) by staying and helping in the Children’s Ministry. I’ve been praying about it because I almost feel like I’m being selfish wanting to stay with the kids… but then I think – “Why would God give me a heart for children, no children of my own and then NOT want me to be with the children He made sure to place into my life?” In my heart I know that there is nowhere I would rather be than with the kids, even when it stings because I’m reminded of what I want and don’t have. But before I really commit to doing anything on a more permanent basis for the Children’s Ministry I want to make sure it’s where I’m really supposed to be.

I talked to John and he supports me whatever I decide to do. I just have to decide… and we all know how horrible I am at that!