Ready? Here we go!
John and I joined a gym in March of this year because I’d reached THAT point – you know the one I’m talking about right? The one where you know something has to give and you decide you’re ready to “try again.” I knew that while I was feeling motivated right then that it wouldn’t last. Let’s face it I’ve been there before – and I always reach a point where I just give up on myself, where I can’t motivate myself and I fall back into my familiar old routine and my fun habit of self loathing. I also knew deep down that I couldn’t let John (or my mom, or a friend) be the person holding me accountable this time. Having other people work out with you is great… but counting on someone else to keep you going just doesn’t work when they either don’t need it like you do, or they end up giving up too.
So this time when we joined and they offered up that free consultation with the personal trainer, I figured, why not? I learned that I was 210 pounds which on a barely 5 foot frame is NOT good. I admit, that number was hard to see and the most I had ever weighed. I thought to myself, “how did I end up here? It’s too much…” Then the kicker. We did my BMI and I found out that almost HALF of me was made of Fat. After several minutes of me stuttering “half of me, half of me? Half of me!” I was then subjected to a round of physical exercise placement tests. This is when I got to see just how pathetically poor I was physically as he tried to get me to do the simplest exercises. No joke, I couldn’t even stand on one foot without waving my arms like I was trying to fly. When we were through I wanted to cry and eat a gallon of ice cream – perhaps not even in that order.
Instead I took a shaky breath and decided to listen instead of laugh at him when he told me how much a personal trainer would cost. I came to the conclusion that I should be willing to put what amounts to a year of car payments into learning how to get my body to run the way it was designed to run. I mean, it’s the only one I’ll ever get. Seriously, if I can look at my Honda and say “It’s worth that much” I should be able to look at myself and say the same thing. In fact, I found it a little disturbing to realize I had such low self esteem that I automatically thought a car that was designed to really only last me 10 years was worth more than I was in my own mind.
That mentality is hard to change, but my weigh in last month helped a lot. (I only weigh in once a month so that I don’t get focused on a number instead of paying attention to my body and how it’s feeling and changing.) In 3 months I lost 25 pounds and 14 inches over all – weighing in at 184.6. I have never felt like an investment in myself has been SO worth it as I did when I stepped off that scale and the last measurement had been taken. I reached a goal, I did it. I have around 55 pounds left to go and I know now that I can do that too.*
Some people have asked what my routine is – and the best answer is that it varies. I work out with Trainer Matt 3 days a week now but those first 3 months it was only 2 days a week. When I work out with him, I do 10-15 minutes on the elliptical/bike as a warm up. Then we do all kinds of things depending on the day. We do walking lunges a lot, and step ups and squats and dead lifts and straight pulls and all kinds of things that make me roll my eyes and pray for my time to be up. There’s lots of resistance work that we do too– which is killer to me, although I will admit I have noticed that I’m much stronger now and that my balance is way better too because of it. Matt’s newest thing has been Agility Training – which when I complained about how horrible I was he said
“When you started, I couldn’t have even tried to get you to do this because youHearing that, made me want to cry because, well, I'm me and I cry at everything. But after that moment passed, something else happened. It reminded me that when I really dig in and try, I can do it.
weren’t physically capable of it. But LOOK AT YOU NOW– You can and
are doing it. Give it time, you’ll get better at this too.”
Which is why I try to be active every day - including my off days from Matt. Granted, when Matt’s not there I do whatever I feel like doing. Sometimes I get on the elliptical and do 45 minutes while I watch an episode of Buffy on DVD. Sometimes I’ll do 30 minutes on the Wii Fit. Sometimes I count shopping as an exercise. (Trying on clothes is strenuous activity, okay?) I replaced my chair at work with an exercise ball and I roll around to music all day. On the weekend, John and I will go hiking on a trail or for a long walk or even go to the gym together. Whatever the case I try to do something every day – even if it’s just a little bit. It’s been incredible how making this kind of change has made such a huge impact on my life – from what I do to how I feel. It's even improved my (already awesome) relationship with my husband because we do more together – I get up earlier, I have more energy, I’m happier… it makes a BIG difference.
I thought the exercise was going to be the “big” change but I think a bigger change for me has been using MFD (myfooddiary.com). It really has been incredible. I’d done 'Deal a Meal' and all kinds of dieting - from just not eating certain meals to cutting out certain things to cutting out everything "bad" but nothing worked for long if at all. I'd hit a wall or go off on a binge and be right back where I started - heavier than before (physically and emotionally because of my failure).
Before MFD I never knew that when you exercise you have to eat more or your body will think it’s starving itself and lower your metabolism… effectively causing you to FAIL. I thought Diet and Exercise went hand in hand… but it doesn’t entirely. The more you do of one, the LESS you do of the other. More exercise – Less Diet – Less Exercise – More Diet. So when I work out with Matt and burn 500 calories – I don’t only eat 1200 calories, I eat 1700 calories for the day and am still on target to lose 1.5 pounds a week. (Which is deemed the “safest” amount you should lose). Now, if I don’t do anything at all that day cuz I am feeling super lazy – I only get 1200 calories which is sometimes a good thing because I’m still having a hard time spending my calories well.
You see, if you don’t spend your calories wisely on MFD you are made fully aware of it. Since MFD holds you accountable to a balanced diet if you go over/under in anything (fat, carbs, sugar, protein, iron, calories) you get an angry red frowney face. Now, if you do a good job, you get a green smiley face, which is more rewarding than it sounds, I promise. Either way, it keeps me accountable for each day and really TEACHES me about nutrition and what fuels my body versus what just fuels my hungry inner glutton child. And that child is a glutton - she likes to eat and sometimes she wins out.
Which brings me to my favorite part about MFD – after you click that your daily entry is complete it says “If every day were like today” and tells you how much you would weigh in one month, in three months and when you would reach your goal. Now, it can be motivational if you had a super great day or cautionary if you had a really bad one – but either way it focuses you because it’s about ONE Day – not yesterday and what you did wrong… just about you and what you did today – so that tomorrow can be fresh and new too. I find that really helps me focus on letting mistakes and bad days go, of allowing me to forgive myself for any missteps and not let it be a stumbling block or the excuse I need to tell myself I can’t change or I can’t do it so why try.
You see, it’s battling myself and the lies I’ve believed all my life that has been the biggest challenge so far. Don’t get me wrong – exercise, diet… important keys to getting healthy… but the biggest fight is seperating the truth from the lies. I've come to realize that 90% of weight loss is mental. You have to believe you can do it. Once you get that… everything else is still REALLY FREAKING HARD... but it’s also possible. And if I can do it – ANYONE can do it.
So... who's with me?
*NOTE: Now before anyone starts screaming that 55 pounds more is too much to lose let me say this. I might get down lower and decide that 130 pounds is not the right weight for me – I’m open to re-evaluating when I get closer to it... I just want to feel good and be healthy - whatever weight that ends up being is fine with me. It’s about how I feel, not the final number on the scale. So no worried e-mails please.
