So, this Christmas I thought was going to be a great big bust. I mean, secularly speaking - since we are trying to save for a house - gift giving would be on the cheap side. That doesn't mean that I bought people crappy gifts - because I didn't. I put real thought into everything I bought. I gave no gift cards this year at all - everything had a meaning to it or was something I bought specifically for a person because I thought they would enjoy it.
Still, I struggled with what I like to call Giftmas Guilt... That's when people obviously spend more money on you than you did on them. I don't know why I have this need for everything to be equal on both sides... perhaps in a former life I was an accountant. All I know is that this year - I didn't let the Giftmas Guilt grow into a Guiltmonster that made me spend more money than I budgeted. I succeeded in not spending more than I felt comfortable doing and warned myself that others might spend more on me and I would just have to be okay with it.
And then - I get a gift from my brother in law. It's a check for $1,000.00 to help us buy a house. And the thing is - we need the money and even though we never would have asked for the money or planned on getting a gift that beyond the normal scope of gifts - that GUILTMONSTER reared it's ugly head and my first instinct was to feel horrible because we couldn't give him back anything to even come close to equaling his gift.
That's when the word came to me... GIFT. This was a God given gift - Jamie was moved to give us that money as a selfless GIFT - from his heart. I burst into tears and had to excuse myself. I thanked God and I thanked Jamie as well - but still in the back of my mind was the nagging inability to balance the scales of gift giving.
The thing that really helped ease my mind was listening to a sermon from last year at RBC. In it Paul Goodnight was talking about God's gift to us was really the Gift of a Gift. God gave us Jesus (a gift) which gave us the gift of Salvation. When someone gives a really extravagant gift (think a car in the driveway for a 16th birthday) if the person receiving that gift to were to say "Oh, it's too much, let me give you something for it" and tried to give $10.00 which was all they had - not only would it be offensive but it would be assigning a lesser worth to the gift.
If I try to repay Jamie - it cheapens it, not just for me, but for him. That is the beauty of a "real" gift. It's one without strings and from the heart - one that can't be repaid except with Love.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
When keeping up is killing you...
So, this whole might have bitten off more than I can chew thing is NOT getting me down. It is however causing me to re-evaluate things a wee bit. There are soooooo many things I want to do and feel I need to do and think I have to do - but in reality, there are a lot of things that I can do differently to make time for other things.
This week, I'm taking a break from blogging my bible studies. I sat down with my book and my Bible and a highlighter pen. I read my book, opened my smaller bible with it's pretty color coded tabs and got down to business. I realized in trying to tackle it this way instead of on the computer several things will be different.
This week, I'm taking a break from blogging my bible studies. I sat down with my book and my Bible and a highlighter pen. I read my book, opened my smaller bible with it's pretty color coded tabs and got down to business. I realized in trying to tackle it this way instead of on the computer several things will be different.
- I will grow familiar with the layout of the Bible... perhaps even remembering where to find things in the physical one so that I can get a little faster when I do have to follow along in church.
- I will be able to highlight my Bible as I go, that way when I read on my own I can connect it with my lessons.
- I won't type out questions and answers - which could mean I don't remember things as well, but I hope that isn't the case.
- I will have to trust that when I talk in study - the words will come out right - even though I haven't written out everything I want to say beforehand.
- It will take more back and forth time and I might get frustrated more because of too many books to go through, but in the short term it actually seems faster.
So... now that I have finished my studies - 5 hours later - (not bad for doing two!) I am going to work on my Christmas Gifts.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Busy-busy bee!
So, tonight starts my first night of my new bible study and I should be excited. I want to be excited. But I'm SOOOOOOOO tired! I have a feeling that donating blood last night could have a weensy bit to do with my lethargy - but really I know it's that I'm spreading myself thinner than I probably should.
That is why I have given up several of my TV shows (the crappy ones that are horrible guilty pleasures have been the first ones to go) and am trying to cut down on my "junk" reading... which isn't going so well since I just downloaded the Richard Castle book to my kindle... Yes, it's a book written by the fictional author from the TV show Castle - but I needed it!
I'm also trying to spend more quality time with my hubby - since we've been reducing the quantity of the time together, I figured it was only fair to up the quality... which is why I will be attending a football game this weekend...Hello 50 yard line (whatever that means).
So we'll see how the new study fits in with my already crazy schedule. I'm hoping it's not a ton of extra work - because I really would like to sleep sometime...although there is that saying "I'll sleep when I'm dead."
That is why I have given up several of my TV shows (the crappy ones that are horrible guilty pleasures have been the first ones to go) and am trying to cut down on my "junk" reading... which isn't going so well since I just downloaded the Richard Castle book to my kindle... Yes, it's a book written by the fictional author from the TV show Castle - but I needed it!
I'm also trying to spend more quality time with my hubby - since we've been reducing the quantity of the time together, I figured it was only fair to up the quality... which is why I will be attending a football game this weekend...Hello 50 yard line (whatever that means).
So we'll see how the new study fits in with my already crazy schedule. I'm hoping it's not a ton of extra work - because I really would like to sleep sometime...although there is that saying "I'll sleep when I'm dead."
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Yes, Jesus Loves Me...
So... after having a little crying jag in Bible Study - I got to thinking about the "why's" of my emotions... The thing is, I wasn't crying about my past. I know compared to other people – I really got off easy in a lot of ways. Yes, my childhood was difficult but I think I’ve done a good job of facing it and putting it in my past. Granted, every now and then it pops out to make a point – but for the most part it stays well behind me where it belongs.
I guess this past week it popped up because of the reading and I’m kind of glad that it did. Strike that – I’m really glad that it did! I’m a firm believer in trying to turn the bad stuff in your life into something positive – using it as a tool to learn and grow. The abuse I dealt with as a child (physical, sexual, emotional and mental) made me who I am today. While I am stronger because of it - I have erected a very thick protective shell to keep me from getting hurt – and although I am a sensitive person, I don’t let a whole lot of people inside my inner walls where I’m vulnerable.
And I am vulnerable – as much as I bluster and try to pretend that I’m strong and capable and self reliant – there’s still a child in me that longs to be loved unconditionally – who wants to be seen as not just good enough but as perfect, as worthy of love and gentleness. The author connected me to 4 year old me – to 7 year old me – to 12 year old me – to all the “Me’s” of my past who dealt with every abuse and wanted to cry “too much – not fair!”. To the child inside who longed for someone to stand up and say “Enough! I’ll make it stop.”
That’s not to say that no one ever took my side as a child. But whenever someone did stand up for me – it always ended up being short lived, a brief reprieve from the inevitable punishment that would come again. And although sometimes I felt the severity of my punishment was not congruent with what I had done to deserve it – I always knew I was bad. I think that’s why I’ve always had such a hard time with God/Jesus. I understood sin and punishment all too well. I knew I would “get what I deserved” even if in my eyes I thought it was too harsh a punishment. I never saw God as a loving God, but rather as a stern father and taskmaster – one who punished with an iron fist. Fully knowing that I would never be good enough, always waiting for the hammer to fall – I had a hard time having a personal relationship with Him.
So even though I knew that Jesus was my savior – I believed He died on the cross and that His blood was my ticket to heaven - it was an abstract kind of thing. Deep down I think it was too much to hope for that anyone would take it ALL when they didn’t have to. And then I read: “The meaning of Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, then, is that Jesus by His death turned aside the wrath of God from us by taking it upon Himself. As He hung on the cross, He bore our sins in His body and endured the full force of God’s wrath in our place.”
Full force of God’s wrath… Jesus stood in my place and took my beating for me. He took every punishment that God thought I deserved so that I wouldn’t have to. He loved me so much that He not only bled for me – He DIED for me… no one in my life had ever done that. No one not only stood up for me against an angry punisher but took my beating for me. I finally felt a personal connection. I not only understood it as a concept – I FELT HIS LOVE. It poured into my heart and it healed pain I didn’t know I had. But more than that – it showed me that God loved me too. He loved me so much that instead of punishing me (just another imperfect creation) He sacrificed His Son. He gave His most perfect creation to me so that I wouldn’t have to hurt – so that I wouldn’t have to die.
In my head at this moment I have a song I’ve known since childhood playing in a loop:
Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak but He is Strong.
Yes, Jesus Loves me.
Yes, Jesus Loves me.
Yes, Jesus Loves me.
The Bible tells me so.
It only took me 31 years, but I finally get it – and it is so personal and amazing… I can’t help but smile.
I guess this past week it popped up because of the reading and I’m kind of glad that it did. Strike that – I’m really glad that it did! I’m a firm believer in trying to turn the bad stuff in your life into something positive – using it as a tool to learn and grow. The abuse I dealt with as a child (physical, sexual, emotional and mental) made me who I am today. While I am stronger because of it - I have erected a very thick protective shell to keep me from getting hurt – and although I am a sensitive person, I don’t let a whole lot of people inside my inner walls where I’m vulnerable.
And I am vulnerable – as much as I bluster and try to pretend that I’m strong and capable and self reliant – there’s still a child in me that longs to be loved unconditionally – who wants to be seen as not just good enough but as perfect, as worthy of love and gentleness. The author connected me to 4 year old me – to 7 year old me – to 12 year old me – to all the “Me’s” of my past who dealt with every abuse and wanted to cry “too much – not fair!”. To the child inside who longed for someone to stand up and say “Enough! I’ll make it stop.”
That’s not to say that no one ever took my side as a child. But whenever someone did stand up for me – it always ended up being short lived, a brief reprieve from the inevitable punishment that would come again. And although sometimes I felt the severity of my punishment was not congruent with what I had done to deserve it – I always knew I was bad. I think that’s why I’ve always had such a hard time with God/Jesus. I understood sin and punishment all too well. I knew I would “get what I deserved” even if in my eyes I thought it was too harsh a punishment. I never saw God as a loving God, but rather as a stern father and taskmaster – one who punished with an iron fist. Fully knowing that I would never be good enough, always waiting for the hammer to fall – I had a hard time having a personal relationship with Him.
So even though I knew that Jesus was my savior – I believed He died on the cross and that His blood was my ticket to heaven - it was an abstract kind of thing. Deep down I think it was too much to hope for that anyone would take it ALL when they didn’t have to. And then I read: “The meaning of Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, then, is that Jesus by His death turned aside the wrath of God from us by taking it upon Himself. As He hung on the cross, He bore our sins in His body and endured the full force of God’s wrath in our place.”
Full force of God’s wrath… Jesus stood in my place and took my beating for me. He took every punishment that God thought I deserved so that I wouldn’t have to. He loved me so much that He not only bled for me – He DIED for me… no one in my life had ever done that. No one not only stood up for me against an angry punisher but took my beating for me. I finally felt a personal connection. I not only understood it as a concept – I FELT HIS LOVE. It poured into my heart and it healed pain I didn’t know I had. But more than that – it showed me that God loved me too. He loved me so much that instead of punishing me (just another imperfect creation) He sacrificed His Son. He gave His most perfect creation to me so that I wouldn’t have to hurt – so that I wouldn’t have to die.
In my head at this moment I have a song I’ve known since childhood playing in a loop:
Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak but He is Strong.
Yes, Jesus Loves me.
Yes, Jesus Loves me.
Yes, Jesus Loves me.
The Bible tells me so.
It only took me 31 years, but I finally get it – and it is so personal and amazing… I can’t help but smile.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Well, don't you look nice today?
Really? It sounds like a compliment - but somehow makes me feel like I look like crap every other day. Maybe it's just me...
If you want to destroy my sweater...
I really don't like shopping. GASP! I'm female and I don't like shopping? That's right! Shopping is one of my least favorite things to do. I always feel fat and frumpy. I'm short and so things never just fit right. Pants are always too long and shirts are a nightmare! If they fit in the shoulders they are too tight at the waist – if they fit at the waist, they’re too wide in the shoulder… Or, if by some miracle I can manage to find something that fits at the shoulder and isn’t too tight at the waist – it comes down to mid thigh which makes me look even shorter than I already am. Granted, if my desire is to look like I’m wearing a tent I win!
Of course, I don't usually go for that look on purpose. I admit I end up there a lot though. People look at me and wonder why I wear clothes that don’t fit me – and the answer is I get so frustrated I give up. Why not just keep wearing the oversize clothes? I mean, it's easier. And luckily I have a job where no one cares what I look like and I don't have to deal with the frustration of trying to look like I can dress myself. Sadly, I want a job where they treat me like a person... and I guess to get a job like that I have to wear clothes that look "professional" - which means shopping...
So I start off at a strong shopping disadvantage. To begin with I have to use my imagination to think of what it could look like if I have it altered to fit my body. If I do find something to wear - I have to put in far more analysis than most people. Here’s what my head sounds like when I’m in the dressing room:
Okay – it doesn’t fit over my stomach. That’s disgusting.
Next.
Even with a camisole this would look like I’m wearing my moms shirt.
Next.
ARGH! How does this make me look like a pregnant woman with an A cup?
Next.
I’m not a 70 year old woman – I shouldn’t look like I am someone’s grandma.
Next.
Okay – well, this one isn’t too bad… I mean, it’s kind of long – I’d definitely need it hemmed… how much is it? $60.00!!!! So I have to spend $60.00 just to get a SHIRT that doesn’t even fit me right? This is not fair. (Takes deep breath)
Well, I need a new shirt… and this is the best one they’ve got… the color is flattering… it would only take maybe $10.00/20.00 to have it altered… So that’s $70.00/80.00 for a SHIRT! (You can’t spend $80.00 on a shirt.) But it’s the only one in the ENTIRE store that fits me (You could buy 7 t-shirts at Wal-Mart for the price of this shirt.) But 7 t-shirts at Wal-Mart won’t get me a better office job… I hate this. *cries*
This happens in EVERY store. When things don't fit me I take it personally - which I know logically is absolutely ridiculous - but it's always been this way. I know this is my body and I have to accept it – but it is really hard for me. And even harder than that is the fact that I can’t use the excuse that clothes don’t fit me because I’m a plus size girl. Other people can pick things off the hanger in the exact same size as me and fall in love with them and feel great about themselves and how they look. Granted watching that happen makes me a little bitter and I end up feeling even worse about my experience being so horrible – which of course makes me feel guilty. I mean, everyone should be able to put clothes on and appreciate how they look in them. Just because I can’t do that doesn’t mean I should begrudge anyone else that feeling even if it is hard to watch their joy when all I want to do is cry in frustration.
Still, it’s not going to change – I’m never going to have that automatic “I LOVE THIS” moment for anything more than shoes, jewelry, a purse or a sweater that doesn’t button, – which I just have to accept. It’s something I have to work on – but my husband has graciously offered to be my shopping buddy so that I don’t have to chose between feeling guilty or doing it alone. Maybe I should just shop online...
Of course, I don't usually go for that look on purpose. I admit I end up there a lot though. People look at me and wonder why I wear clothes that don’t fit me – and the answer is I get so frustrated I give up. Why not just keep wearing the oversize clothes? I mean, it's easier. And luckily I have a job where no one cares what I look like and I don't have to deal with the frustration of trying to look like I can dress myself. Sadly, I want a job where they treat me like a person... and I guess to get a job like that I have to wear clothes that look "professional" - which means shopping...
So I start off at a strong shopping disadvantage. To begin with I have to use my imagination to think of what it could look like if I have it altered to fit my body. If I do find something to wear - I have to put in far more analysis than most people. Here’s what my head sounds like when I’m in the dressing room:
Okay – it doesn’t fit over my stomach. That’s disgusting.
Next.
Even with a camisole this would look like I’m wearing my moms shirt.
Next.
ARGH! How does this make me look like a pregnant woman with an A cup?
Next.
I’m not a 70 year old woman – I shouldn’t look like I am someone’s grandma.
Next.
Okay – well, this one isn’t too bad… I mean, it’s kind of long – I’d definitely need it hemmed… how much is it? $60.00!!!! So I have to spend $60.00 just to get a SHIRT that doesn’t even fit me right? This is not fair. (Takes deep breath)
Well, I need a new shirt… and this is the best one they’ve got… the color is flattering… it would only take maybe $10.00/20.00 to have it altered… So that’s $70.00/80.00 for a SHIRT! (You can’t spend $80.00 on a shirt.) But it’s the only one in the ENTIRE store that fits me (You could buy 7 t-shirts at Wal-Mart for the price of this shirt.) But 7 t-shirts at Wal-Mart won’t get me a better office job… I hate this. *cries*
This happens in EVERY store. When things don't fit me I take it personally - which I know logically is absolutely ridiculous - but it's always been this way. I know this is my body and I have to accept it – but it is really hard for me. And even harder than that is the fact that I can’t use the excuse that clothes don’t fit me because I’m a plus size girl. Other people can pick things off the hanger in the exact same size as me and fall in love with them and feel great about themselves and how they look. Granted watching that happen makes me a little bitter and I end up feeling even worse about my experience being so horrible – which of course makes me feel guilty. I mean, everyone should be able to put clothes on and appreciate how they look in them. Just because I can’t do that doesn’t mean I should begrudge anyone else that feeling even if it is hard to watch their joy when all I want to do is cry in frustration.
Still, it’s not going to change – I’m never going to have that automatic “I LOVE THIS” moment for anything more than shoes, jewelry, a purse or a sweater that doesn’t button, – which I just have to accept. It’s something I have to work on – but my husband has graciously offered to be my shopping buddy so that I don’t have to chose between feeling guilty or doing it alone. Maybe I should just shop online...
Thursday, September 24, 2009
So Thankful
I am just so thankful at this moment that I had to share it or I feel like I might burst open.
I am thankful for my husband (who is the most wonderful man on the planet) because he loves me and he shows me he loves me every day in every way - even when he doesn't know it.
I am thankful for my brother Jon who reminds me so much of a younger me - who loves me and appreciates me as more than just his sister who is 12 years older- but who shares with me as a friend.
I am thankful for Maggie because she brought me to a church I feel like I can belong to and because she supports me and helps lift me up - and because she's just such a beautiful person inside and out and I am lucky to know her.
I am thankful for Maggie's husband Kim for being so understanding at the beginning stages of Maggie's and my friendship - For not kicking me out of his house since I'm over there all the time - taking away from time with his wife.
I am thankful for Maggie's children because they give hugs and loan me books and call me Miss Murray... because they help heal my heart of its sadness at not having babies of my own.
I am thankful for RBC because being there feels like coming to God's home, sitting at His table, and being welcomed as if it were my own home.
I am thankful for Shepherd Group for giving me a place to meet new people in the same time of their lives going through the same struggles as my husband and I. I am thankful that they made us feel so welcome and that they really seem to get me and appreciate me for what I bring with me.
I am thankful for Bible Study and all the women in it not only for giving me an opportunity to learn from other women but for being so warm and accepting while doing it.
But most of all I am thankful to God because:
God brought me my husband when I wasn't looking.
God filled me with the need to build a relationship with my brother before it was too late.
God moved Maggie to ask if I wanted to be friends outside of book club.
God filled Kim with the worlds largest amount of patience.
God created children's ability to show love with free hugs.
God's Spirit allowed Maggie to ask me to accompany her to church and God's grace allowed me to be moved by that experience.
God filled me with a desire to serve Him and grow in my knowledge of Him and provided ways to use me so that His light could shine through me. And even though I am tarnished glass - I can still glow!
I am thankful for my husband (who is the most wonderful man on the planet) because he loves me and he shows me he loves me every day in every way - even when he doesn't know it.
I am thankful for my brother Jon who reminds me so much of a younger me - who loves me and appreciates me as more than just his sister who is 12 years older- but who shares with me as a friend.
I am thankful for Maggie because she brought me to a church I feel like I can belong to and because she supports me and helps lift me up - and because she's just such a beautiful person inside and out and I am lucky to know her.
I am thankful for Maggie's husband Kim for being so understanding at the beginning stages of Maggie's and my friendship - For not kicking me out of his house since I'm over there all the time - taking away from time with his wife.
I am thankful for Maggie's children because they give hugs and loan me books and call me Miss Murray... because they help heal my heart of its sadness at not having babies of my own.
I am thankful for RBC because being there feels like coming to God's home, sitting at His table, and being welcomed as if it were my own home.
I am thankful for Shepherd Group for giving me a place to meet new people in the same time of their lives going through the same struggles as my husband and I. I am thankful that they made us feel so welcome and that they really seem to get me and appreciate me for what I bring with me.
I am thankful for Bible Study and all the women in it not only for giving me an opportunity to learn from other women but for being so warm and accepting while doing it.
But most of all I am thankful to God because:
God brought me my husband when I wasn't looking.
God filled me with the need to build a relationship with my brother before it was too late.
God moved Maggie to ask if I wanted to be friends outside of book club.
God filled Kim with the worlds largest amount of patience.
God created children's ability to show love with free hugs.
God's Spirit allowed Maggie to ask me to accompany her to church and God's grace allowed me to be moved by that experience.
God filled me with a desire to serve Him and grow in my knowledge of Him and provided ways to use me so that His light could shine through me. And even though I am tarnished glass - I can still glow!
Monday, September 21, 2009
She works hard for the money!
Sorry... thought the song title was appropriate for today because I am working hard for the money. I was really busy all day! Now I'm on overtime - waiting for a delivery to be finished so I can forward the phones and clock out.
Once I get home, I get to continue to work hard - although, not for the money... for my hubby! I get to make spaghetti for lunches for the week while John makes dinner for tonight. After that I get to watch my shows and drink a glass of chocolate wine (it makes me so happy) and then go to bed.
I am so thankful I finished up the Bible Study for tomorrow already - because I really do want to just relax for a bit tonight.
So Tuesday - I work and then I go to Bible Study. Then Maggie and I are going back to my house to watch SYTYCD which has it's first Tuesday episode (I believe). Which we will Blog about while eating quesadillas (because that late at night, that's all I can eat)
Then Wednesday, I have to work - then stop at my moms and drop off her birthday present... (which I have to find time to buy between now and then!) What am I going to get my mom? The gift I had thought of I am now thinking maybe I shouldn't get - and so it's going to be all last minute gifting which is not my favorite way to do it, but I'm praying it'll all work out. Then I'm going to get home (hopefully early!) so that John and I can read over the chapter for Shepherd Group on Friday.
Thursday I get to babysit Julia and Joe! I'm very excited about it. I find that hanging out and getting hugs from really great kids reduces my immediate need to have a baby to a more tolerable level of want. Plus it lets me be goofy and silly - and I don't get to act that way nearly often enough.
Friday John and I get to go to Shepherd Group - and I get to take Kristen her BabyCake. I hope it brightens her day a little because I know that she's been having a really rough time lately - and I'd really like it to make her smile. Then afterwards we plan to go to IHOP for dinner - but the animal rights groups are calling for a boycott because of the eggs that they use - so now I feel guilty about that... I'll need to discuss it with John.
Saturday I'm going to sleep in!!!! That is, if we don't have anything going on. And then when I do get up I'm going to do my Bible Study for the next class.
Sunday - John and I are going to church and then when we get done we'll probably go to John's mom's house for a bit. They will watch the game and I will read Me and Mr. Darcy - which I probably shouldn't be reading instead of my book club book, but I really can't help it. Columbine is really depressing and hard to get through.
And then it'll start all over again next week. YAY!
Once I get home, I get to continue to work hard - although, not for the money... for my hubby! I get to make spaghetti for lunches for the week while John makes dinner for tonight. After that I get to watch my shows and drink a glass of chocolate wine (it makes me so happy) and then go to bed.
I am so thankful I finished up the Bible Study for tomorrow already - because I really do want to just relax for a bit tonight.
So Tuesday - I work and then I go to Bible Study. Then Maggie and I are going back to my house to watch SYTYCD which has it's first Tuesday episode (I believe). Which we will Blog about while eating quesadillas (because that late at night, that's all I can eat)
Then Wednesday, I have to work - then stop at my moms and drop off her birthday present... (which I have to find time to buy between now and then!) What am I going to get my mom? The gift I had thought of I am now thinking maybe I shouldn't get - and so it's going to be all last minute gifting which is not my favorite way to do it, but I'm praying it'll all work out. Then I'm going to get home (hopefully early!) so that John and I can read over the chapter for Shepherd Group on Friday.
Thursday I get to babysit Julia and Joe! I'm very excited about it. I find that hanging out and getting hugs from really great kids reduces my immediate need to have a baby to a more tolerable level of want. Plus it lets me be goofy and silly - and I don't get to act that way nearly often enough.
Friday John and I get to go to Shepherd Group - and I get to take Kristen her BabyCake. I hope it brightens her day a little because I know that she's been having a really rough time lately - and I'd really like it to make her smile. Then afterwards we plan to go to IHOP for dinner - but the animal rights groups are calling for a boycott because of the eggs that they use - so now I feel guilty about that... I'll need to discuss it with John.
Saturday I'm going to sleep in!!!! That is, if we don't have anything going on. And then when I do get up I'm going to do my Bible Study for the next class.
Sunday - John and I are going to church and then when we get done we'll probably go to John's mom's house for a bit. They will watch the game and I will read Me and Mr. Darcy - which I probably shouldn't be reading instead of my book club book, but I really can't help it. Columbine is really depressing and hard to get through.
And then it'll start all over again next week. YAY!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Ready for a brand new start!
So, this was the haircut I got a few months ago. I LOVED it. I thought it was really flattering and it made me feel more confident. Then it started to grow out... I wasn't as wild about that part...
Although, it did look kind of cute in pigtails!
(You can't see the pigtails at this angle, but c'mon... I've got Cat ears!)Still, it got a little more scraggly and I found that trying to style it was making me less happy than I would have liked. So... I thought about spending the money and just at least getting the bangs trimmed... but then I started thinking about things.
I realized I was going to be taking on two Bible Studies, a Shepherd Group, my regular book club, church, and life in general... and I came to the decision that something was going to have to give! And that something, I decided, was going to be my hair.
Now, this is the shortest my hair has EVER been in my adult life... but it's really easy to style in the morning, and I think it looks a lot more put together than it ever did when it was long. Which means, if any opportunities come my way - I'll probably at least look as if I'm ready for them!
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
I want something that I want…
I just don’t know what that something is! I’ve reached that point where I feel that my job is just that… a JOB. It’s not supposed to be fulfilling, it’s not supposed to be rewarding, it’s just supposed to pay our bills. Is that jaded or is it realistic?
I’ve had jobs before that were horrible and harmful to my emotional/mental well being. For example, I had a job where they called me the wrong name for 6 months which made me feel sort of worthless as a person. I had another job where I was expected to replace my supervisor that had quit even though I did not have the qualifications to do his job and I felt so overwhelmed that every morning I had to convince myself not to call in sick.
My current job is not horrible in so far as I can get up and go to work every day without wanting to pull out all of my hair… but it isn’t very fulfilling. I don’t feel like I’m a valued employee or that my work makes a difference in anyone’s life. I am a hard worker and I enjoy being challenged and motivated… two areas that are lacking with my current role at my job.
Still, work is work and at least I have a job, right? Or is it right? Should I be dissatisfied with not finding fulfillment in the work I do? Should I look for employment elsewhere? What do I want to be when I grow up?
What are my passions? Well, I put some thought into it and here’s what I came up with:
I love organizing things – from spreadsheets, schedules and “to do” lists to desk drawers and office supply rooms – I find calmness in things that have been well organized. I adore having a “system” that works. I love creating training manuals and SOP documents, because I believe if everyone is on the same page it makes understanding each other and your problems much easier. However, I also enjoy identifying potential issues and working on finding a solution to those issues before they become problems. I take pleasure in helping other people do things they didn’t think were possible. I love setting small and large goals and take pride in meeting them. While I like to be challenged and I like to learn new things I find repetitive tasks to be relaxing and enjoy doing them as well. I like having a can-do attitude. I appreciate a job well done.
So, now that I’ve thought about what I’m passionate about… what does that mean? Where should I go from here? What do I really want?
I’ve had jobs before that were horrible and harmful to my emotional/mental well being. For example, I had a job where they called me the wrong name for 6 months which made me feel sort of worthless as a person. I had another job where I was expected to replace my supervisor that had quit even though I did not have the qualifications to do his job and I felt so overwhelmed that every morning I had to convince myself not to call in sick.
My current job is not horrible in so far as I can get up and go to work every day without wanting to pull out all of my hair… but it isn’t very fulfilling. I don’t feel like I’m a valued employee or that my work makes a difference in anyone’s life. I am a hard worker and I enjoy being challenged and motivated… two areas that are lacking with my current role at my job.
Still, work is work and at least I have a job, right? Or is it right? Should I be dissatisfied with not finding fulfillment in the work I do? Should I look for employment elsewhere? What do I want to be when I grow up?
What are my passions? Well, I put some thought into it and here’s what I came up with:
I love organizing things – from spreadsheets, schedules and “to do” lists to desk drawers and office supply rooms – I find calmness in things that have been well organized. I adore having a “system” that works. I love creating training manuals and SOP documents, because I believe if everyone is on the same page it makes understanding each other and your problems much easier. However, I also enjoy identifying potential issues and working on finding a solution to those issues before they become problems. I take pleasure in helping other people do things they didn’t think were possible. I love setting small and large goals and take pride in meeting them. While I like to be challenged and I like to learn new things I find repetitive tasks to be relaxing and enjoy doing them as well. I like having a can-do attitude. I appreciate a job well done.
So, now that I’ve thought about what I’m passionate about… what does that mean? Where should I go from here? What do I really want?
Friday, September 11, 2009
My Love's The Only Promise That Remains
So, I love this song and thought I would share the lyrics. I used to think it was just a pretty song but after I listened to the words... I realized it wasn't about a romantic love... it seems to me it's about God's Love...
When the ground beneath you starts a-shakin', shakin’
And you forget the place we came from, came from
When you're lost and lookin' for a way home
Your way home to me
I'll come out and find you
When the world around you starts a-movin', movin’
And you should wonder if I still love you, love you
If you feel the darkness comin', risin' inside
I'll make a light to guide you back home
And after all the sky has fallen down
And after all the water's washed away
My love's the only promise that remains
When your doubts have got you thinkin', thinkin'
Nothing's ever really sacred, sacred
And you're afraid you might believe it
Believe in me
And I'll give you a reason
Cuz the world around us keeps on movin', movin’
And there's no doubt that I still love you, love you
So when you feel the darkness comin', risin' inside
I'll make a light to guide you back home
And after all the sky has fallen down
And after all the water's washed away
My love's the only promise that remains
My love's the only promise that remains
My love's the only promise that remains
And after all the sky is fallen down
After all the sky is fallen down
And after all the water's washed away
After all the water's washed away
My love's the only promise that remains
Remains
When the ground beneath you starts a-shakin', shakin’
And you forget the place we came from, came from
When you're lost and lookin' for a way home
Your way home to me
I'll come out and find you
When the world around you starts a-movin', movin’
And you should wonder if I still love you, love you
If you feel the darkness comin', risin' inside
I'll make a light to guide you back home
And after all the sky has fallen down
And after all the water's washed away
My love's the only promise that remains
When your doubts have got you thinkin', thinkin'
Nothing's ever really sacred, sacred
And you're afraid you might believe it
Believe in me
And I'll give you a reason
Cuz the world around us keeps on movin', movin’
And there's no doubt that I still love you, love you
So when you feel the darkness comin', risin' inside
I'll make a light to guide you back home
And after all the sky has fallen down
And after all the water's washed away
My love's the only promise that remains
My love's the only promise that remains
My love's the only promise that remains
And after all the sky is fallen down
After all the sky is fallen down
And after all the water's washed away
After all the water's washed away
My love's the only promise that remains
Remains
I thought of you and where you'd gone... and the World Spins Madly On
So... Today is the anniversary of all that happened on 9/11. The knowledge that it was eight years ago seems almost surreal. I cannot believe that my memories of events are no longer thrown in sharp relief but stand out like bright lights through a mist... the edges of horror softened by time.
I was lucky. I did not lose anyone that I knew on a personal level. I did however lose something very dear to me - my belief that the world was a safe place. I mean, I knew that bad things happen. There are drive by shootings and crazies out there… but those were people I didn’t know in places too far from my backyard for me to feel threatened.
But listening to the news that day as I sat at work – the disbelief – thinking it was some kind of joke… only to realize it was a waking nightmare.
In my nightmare I remember not being able to breathe. I remember people running around trying to get the television in the office to pick up a regular channel so we could watch the news and only getting snow. I remember picking up the phones and getting only busy signals. I remember panic when I realized my half brother was in the air force but since I had no idea where he was stationed I didn’t know if he was okay. I remember going to my boss and telling him I needed to go home, that I couldn’t concentrate on actual work because I couldn’t seem to stop crying.
I remember leaving work and going to my friend’s home because I needed to be somewhere I felt safe. I remember finding out that everyone I knew was okay. I remember holding and being held by Brittany and Amy while we watched news footage of people throwing themselves from buildings. I remember silence and comfort and sadness all wrapped together.
I remember tying ribbons to my car antenna to show support and American pride. I remember volunteering at the red cross to make phone calls for blood donation and the overwhelming responses of people doing their part to help. I remember a unified nation standing together showing that we cannot be brought down like our buildings –we are more than just brick and mortar – we are the human spirit and we will continue to shine.
I will never forget where I was that day and I hope I will always remember to let my spirit shine.
I was lucky. I did not lose anyone that I knew on a personal level. I did however lose something very dear to me - my belief that the world was a safe place. I mean, I knew that bad things happen. There are drive by shootings and crazies out there… but those were people I didn’t know in places too far from my backyard for me to feel threatened.
But listening to the news that day as I sat at work – the disbelief – thinking it was some kind of joke… only to realize it was a waking nightmare.
In my nightmare I remember not being able to breathe. I remember people running around trying to get the television in the office to pick up a regular channel so we could watch the news and only getting snow. I remember picking up the phones and getting only busy signals. I remember panic when I realized my half brother was in the air force but since I had no idea where he was stationed I didn’t know if he was okay. I remember going to my boss and telling him I needed to go home, that I couldn’t concentrate on actual work because I couldn’t seem to stop crying.
I remember leaving work and going to my friend’s home because I needed to be somewhere I felt safe. I remember finding out that everyone I knew was okay. I remember holding and being held by Brittany and Amy while we watched news footage of people throwing themselves from buildings. I remember silence and comfort and sadness all wrapped together.
I remember tying ribbons to my car antenna to show support and American pride. I remember volunteering at the red cross to make phone calls for blood donation and the overwhelming responses of people doing their part to help. I remember a unified nation standing together showing that we cannot be brought down like our buildings –we are more than just brick and mortar – we are the human spirit and we will continue to shine.
I will never forget where I was that day and I hope I will always remember to let my spirit shine.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
This Isn't What I Ordered
So, I'm taking the title for today's blog from a sermon by D.R. Carlson that I find particularly poignant and meaningful for me. In the sermon he talks about prayer. Lots of times we expect prayer to work like a drive through… place our order and drive around to pick it up at the second window. Now once we get to that pick up window, we look inside the bag to make sure everything is as it should be. Most of the time, it’s exactly what we have asked for… but sometimes it’s not right.
I worked at a fast food place for nearly four years. There were a lot of wrong orders, and there were as many reasons for the order to be wrong as there were fries in the fry bin. The order taker pressed the wrong button, the kitchen made the wrong special order, the right food went into the wrong bag or even the customer didn’t ask for what they really wanted… but no matter what went wrong or who’s “fault” it was, there was always a reaction from the customer.
Sometimes they would calmly tell you that this was NOT what they had ordered and then ask to have it corrected. Sometimes they would talk down to you like you were simple for not being able to get their “simple” request, even if the “fault” was not yours. More often than not, there was anger. Which seems so silly when you’re talking about a burger with no ketchup, but really… it was about what they were expecting and their disappointment in not getting what they wanted.
Which makes me think of prayer in a new way. Is God my Drive Thru Server? Do I have a right to get snippy with him when instead of a cheeseburger he gives me a salad? If I were dealing with a person face to face I would probably say “HEY! This isn’t what I ordered!” And if they said, “Lady, you could use the salad!” I might get angry at the slight. But what about with God? What about when I get to the window and all I get is an empty bag? What about when God just says “No”?
How many times in my life have I prayed for something that looked good but would have been so bad for me? How many times has God given me something else instead? When He says “No” to what I want, at that moment I don’t understand why. I get angry and upset and feel slighted… but then later, when I look back and see that the “No” led to something wonderful that I wouldn’t have had if I had gotten a “Yes” the first time around, I get it. At least, I get it until the next empty bag.
So here I sit with another empty bag, another unanswered prayer. But this time… I’m not angry. I am sad of course, and disappointed, because I wanted something that I didn’t get – I’m only human. This time though, I’m trying to focus on the fact that my bag is empty because God has something for me that won’t fit in the bag that I’ve given Him. He has something greater than what I’ve asked for just waiting for me. I just have to be patient.
I worked at a fast food place for nearly four years. There were a lot of wrong orders, and there were as many reasons for the order to be wrong as there were fries in the fry bin. The order taker pressed the wrong button, the kitchen made the wrong special order, the right food went into the wrong bag or even the customer didn’t ask for what they really wanted… but no matter what went wrong or who’s “fault” it was, there was always a reaction from the customer.
Sometimes they would calmly tell you that this was NOT what they had ordered and then ask to have it corrected. Sometimes they would talk down to you like you were simple for not being able to get their “simple” request, even if the “fault” was not yours. More often than not, there was anger. Which seems so silly when you’re talking about a burger with no ketchup, but really… it was about what they were expecting and their disappointment in not getting what they wanted.
Which makes me think of prayer in a new way. Is God my Drive Thru Server? Do I have a right to get snippy with him when instead of a cheeseburger he gives me a salad? If I were dealing with a person face to face I would probably say “HEY! This isn’t what I ordered!” And if they said, “Lady, you could use the salad!” I might get angry at the slight. But what about with God? What about when I get to the window and all I get is an empty bag? What about when God just says “No”?
How many times in my life have I prayed for something that looked good but would have been so bad for me? How many times has God given me something else instead? When He says “No” to what I want, at that moment I don’t understand why. I get angry and upset and feel slighted… but then later, when I look back and see that the “No” led to something wonderful that I wouldn’t have had if I had gotten a “Yes” the first time around, I get it. At least, I get it until the next empty bag.
So here I sit with another empty bag, another unanswered prayer. But this time… I’m not angry. I am sad of course, and disappointed, because I wanted something that I didn’t get – I’m only human. This time though, I’m trying to focus on the fact that my bag is empty because God has something for me that won’t fit in the bag that I’ve given Him. He has something greater than what I’ve asked for just waiting for me. I just have to be patient.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
When you’re dreaming with a broken heart…
…Giving up is the hardest part.
So, I have been struggling with heartbreak for the last 2 years. It sounds so funny to say that out loud because everyone knows that I’m very happily married. I’m the first to tell people just how truly blessed I am that I became John’s wife. And while yes my husband is not perfect he is perfect for me! We make each other laugh and we support each other. John is my best friend and I love him so much.
Which is part of what breaks my heart. Every month it’s the same situation – we try to make a baby. We have tried for 2 years to grow our family and it feels like failure each and every time it doesn’t happen. John tries not to show how disappointed he is, but I know how he feels. I know he wants a baby just as badly as I do – maybe even more.
People tell me not to blame myself, but I do anyway. It’s like my body just won’t do what it was created for! It’s a very personal feeling of betrayal. It’s my body that bleeds every month providing the proof of its rejection. And what makes it worse is that there is no rhyme or reason to my body’s timeline. So I get my hopes up every day I am late. Each day that passes gives me hope. I let myself imagine the possibility that it’s true. I dream about the future and what it could hold. The longer I wait the more heartbreaking it is when those hopes are dashed.
I know I’ve said before that I was feeling lost… I wasn’t attending church; I was having difficulty in friendships; I was generally feeling adrift spiritually and emotionally. Looking at it though, I find a lot of that feeling is because twenty four months of repetitive disappointment chips away slowly until you can be left beaten and broken – but still hoping... I have been dreaming with a broken heart… and giving up is the hardest part.
Not giving up on the hope or the idea or the dream of starting a family. Giving up that it’s my right to have it. Giving up that it has to happen in MY time. Giving up that it’s about me. That is one of the HARDEST things. To trust God and know that HIS time is what matters – that having a baby might not be in His plans for us. To give it up to Him – to trust that His plan is going to be so much better than my plan – it’s hard… but I’m trying. Every day I try. I pray for the strength to be patient and the peace of His Grace.
I’m currently playing the waiting game again… and I hope that this time it will be God’s time. If it’s not, I know I’ll get through it. I know God will not give me so much that I will break. But even more than that, I know He is Strong Enough to take whatever I have to Give Up to Him.
So, I have been struggling with heartbreak for the last 2 years. It sounds so funny to say that out loud because everyone knows that I’m very happily married. I’m the first to tell people just how truly blessed I am that I became John’s wife. And while yes my husband is not perfect he is perfect for me! We make each other laugh and we support each other. John is my best friend and I love him so much.
Which is part of what breaks my heart. Every month it’s the same situation – we try to make a baby. We have tried for 2 years to grow our family and it feels like failure each and every time it doesn’t happen. John tries not to show how disappointed he is, but I know how he feels. I know he wants a baby just as badly as I do – maybe even more.
People tell me not to blame myself, but I do anyway. It’s like my body just won’t do what it was created for! It’s a very personal feeling of betrayal. It’s my body that bleeds every month providing the proof of its rejection. And what makes it worse is that there is no rhyme or reason to my body’s timeline. So I get my hopes up every day I am late. Each day that passes gives me hope. I let myself imagine the possibility that it’s true. I dream about the future and what it could hold. The longer I wait the more heartbreaking it is when those hopes are dashed.
I know I’ve said before that I was feeling lost… I wasn’t attending church; I was having difficulty in friendships; I was generally feeling adrift spiritually and emotionally. Looking at it though, I find a lot of that feeling is because twenty four months of repetitive disappointment chips away slowly until you can be left beaten and broken – but still hoping... I have been dreaming with a broken heart… and giving up is the hardest part.
Not giving up on the hope or the idea or the dream of starting a family. Giving up that it’s my right to have it. Giving up that it has to happen in MY time. Giving up that it’s about me. That is one of the HARDEST things. To trust God and know that HIS time is what matters – that having a baby might not be in His plans for us. To give it up to Him – to trust that His plan is going to be so much better than my plan – it’s hard… but I’m trying. Every day I try. I pray for the strength to be patient and the peace of His Grace.
I’m currently playing the waiting game again… and I hope that this time it will be God’s time. If it’s not, I know I’ll get through it. I know God will not give me so much that I will break. But even more than that, I know He is Strong Enough to take whatever I have to Give Up to Him.
Woke up... Got out of Bed...
And the first thing I did was complain... Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to make it a full day without taking a vow of silence... complete and utter silence.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
So Far...
Okay so I am currently on day 3 of my attempt to go complaint free.Here is what I have found:
Fact 1: It is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.
Fact 2: It is not going as well as I had hoped.
Fact 3: I am not going to let Fact 1 or 2 stop me from trying.
It is important to do your best.
I believe that I can meet this challenge.
I know that if I just have a little more faith, I can succeed!
Fact 1: It is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.
Fact 2: It is not going as well as I had hoped.
Fact 3: I am not going to let Fact 1 or 2 stop me from trying.
It is important to do your best.
I believe that I can meet this challenge.
I know that if I just have a little more faith, I can succeed!
The Rules
So… how exactly am I going to do this? The book I read had some guidelines – here they are:
Rules:
- Begin to wear the bracelet on either wrist.
- When you catch yourself complaining, gossiping, or criticizing, move the bracelet to the other wrist and begin again.
- Keep trying, it could take 4-8 months to complete, but you’ll be happy that you did.
So, what counts as complaining, gossiping, or criticizing? Chances are, if you have to ask if it counts… it probably does. In fact, it’s probably easier to list out what DOESN’T count.
- Anything you don’t say out loud doesn’t count against you. If you think it, it’s free. (Personal Journals and Silent Prayers, also do not count)
- Anything said to express grief, pain or discontent when directed toward someone who can help is healthy – so long as it is done in a way to receive what you want in the future and not as a means of attacking someone about the past.
- If it’s not just venting (recounting issues) but actually is an attempt to positively solve a problem, it’s okay.
- There are times when we need to process what’s going on in our lives to get a better handle on our situation. Processing and complaining are not the same thing. Processing is sharing your FEELINGS about something that has happened and not rehashing the events of what has happened. If your boss yells at you, you may want to talk to your spouse about the experience and share how it made you feel. When processing an experience, make sure that what you are saying is centered on only your feelings and not your story of what happened. Use words like: mad, sad, glad, happy, angry, afraid, joyous.
- Just to be clear, if something happened that needs corrected – Don’t hold back, don’t hold it in, just make sure you are only stating the facts and not putting any “how dare you do this to me!” energy behind what you are saying. “I feel angry when you do that” owns the experience as yours and is processing. “I feel like you’re a jerk when you do that” is simply name-calling.
Helpful Tools:
Try changing the words you use to describe a situation by phrasing things in a positive way.
Instead of……….Try
Problem……….Opportunity
Have to……….Get to
Setback……….Challenge
Enemy……….Friend
Tormentor……….Teacher
Pain……….Signal
I demand……….I would appreciate
Complaint……….Request
Struggle……….Journey
You did this……….I created this.
Give it a try. It may feel awkward as you begin, but watch how it changes your attitude about the person or situation. As you change your language, the situation will change.
Hi there!
Nice to meet you!
I have a feeling if you’re reading this, you either stumbled upon it somehow or you know me. If you know me, you probably already know that my name is Renee and I’m married to a wonderful man named John. You probably also know that I’m a cat person and that I enjoy being “crafty”. What you might not know is that until recently I’ve felt sort of disconnected from something – something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.
It’s not that I wasn’t happy – I have a wonderful life. There just seemed to be something missing. I realized it was God. I was missing the peace of a personal relationship with God – one I hadn’t felt since I stopped going to church. That is when I decided that it was time for us as a family to find a church we felt comfortable in. I finally think I might have found it!
I went to Reston Bible Church with my dear friend Maggie (Thanks Mags!) and I feltso at home. I got the message I needed to hear and felt the peace I was longing to feel. It was wonderful! I can’t wait to go back again. Some of my friends don’t believe in God… and that has always made me feel like my beliefs were something I needed to hide… I don’t feel that way anymore.
So that’s partly what this blog is about. I’m going to be honest and forthright and examine who I am and who I want to be. I’m going to try to be positive and learn how to stop complaining and just enjoy my life and all it’s blessings. I’m very excited! So, if you want to be that fly on my wall, feel free!
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