…Giving up is the hardest part.
So, I have been struggling with heartbreak for the last 2 years. It sounds so funny to say that out loud because everyone knows that I’m very happily married. I’m the first to tell people just how truly blessed I am that I became John’s wife. And while yes my husband is not perfect he is perfect for me! We make each other laugh and we support each other. John is my best friend and I love him so much.
Which is part of what breaks my heart. Every month it’s the same situation – we try to make a baby. We have tried for 2 years to grow our family and it feels like failure each and every time it doesn’t happen. John tries not to show how disappointed he is, but I know how he feels. I know he wants a baby just as badly as I do – maybe even more.
People tell me not to blame myself, but I do anyway. It’s like my body just won’t do what it was created for! It’s a very personal feeling of betrayal. It’s my body that bleeds every month providing the proof of its rejection. And what makes it worse is that there is no rhyme or reason to my body’s timeline. So I get my hopes up every day I am late. Each day that passes gives me hope. I let myself imagine the possibility that it’s true. I dream about the future and what it could hold. The longer I wait the more heartbreaking it is when those hopes are dashed.
I know I’ve said before that I was feeling lost… I wasn’t attending church; I was having difficulty in friendships; I was generally feeling adrift spiritually and emotionally. Looking at it though, I find a lot of that feeling is because twenty four months of repetitive disappointment chips away slowly until you can be left beaten and broken – but still hoping... I have been dreaming with a broken heart… and giving up is the hardest part.
Not giving up on the hope or the idea or the dream of starting a family. Giving up that it’s my right to have it. Giving up that it has to happen in MY time. Giving up that it’s about me. That is one of the HARDEST things. To trust God and know that HIS time is what matters – that having a baby might not be in His plans for us. To give it up to Him – to trust that His plan is going to be so much better than my plan – it’s hard… but I’m trying. Every day I try. I pray for the strength to be patient and the peace of His Grace.
I’m currently playing the waiting game again… and I hope that this time it will be God’s time. If it’s not, I know I’ll get through it. I know God will not give me so much that I will break. But even more than that, I know He is Strong Enough to take whatever I have to Give Up to Him.
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