If you want to destroy my sweater...

I really don't like shopping. GASP! I'm female and I don't like shopping? That's right! Shopping is one of my least favorite things to do. I always feel fat and frumpy. I'm short and so things never just fit right. Pants are always too long and shirts are a nightmare! If they fit in the shoulders they are too tight at the waist – if they fit at the waist, they’re too wide in the shoulder… Or, if by some miracle I can manage to find something that fits at the shoulder and isn’t too tight at the waist – it comes down to mid thigh which makes me look even shorter than I already am. Granted, if my desire is to look like I’m wearing a tent I win!

Of course, I don't usually go for that look on purpose. I admit I end up there a lot though. People look at me and wonder why I wear clothes that don’t fit me – and the answer is I get so frustrated I give up. Why not just keep wearing the oversize clothes? I mean, it's easier. And luckily I have a job where no one cares what I look like and I don't have to deal with the frustration of trying to look like I can dress myself. Sadly, I want a job where they treat me like a person... and I guess to get a job like that I have to wear clothes that look "professional" - which means shopping...

So I start off at a strong shopping disadvantage. To begin with I have to use my imagination to think of what it could look like if I have it altered to fit my body. If I do find something to wear - I have to put in far more analysis than most people. Here’s what my head sounds like when I’m in the dressing room:

Okay – it doesn’t fit over my stomach. That’s disgusting.
Next.
Even with a camisole this would look like I’m wearing my moms shirt.
Next.
ARGH! How does this make me look like a pregnant woman with an A cup?
Next.
I’m not a 70 year old woman – I shouldn’t look like I am someone’s grandma.
Next.
Okay – well, this one isn’t too bad… I mean, it’s kind of long – I’d definitely need it hemmed… how much is it? $60.00!!!! So I have to spend $60.00 just to get a SHIRT that doesn’t even fit me right? This is not fair. (Takes deep breath)
Well, I need a new shirt… and this is the best one they’ve got… the color is flattering… it would only take maybe $10.00/20.00 to have it altered… So that’s $70.00/80.00 for a SHIRT! (You can’t spend $80.00 on a shirt.) But it’s the only one in the ENTIRE store that fits me (You could buy 7 t-shirts at Wal-Mart for the price of this shirt.) But 7 t-shirts at Wal-Mart won’t get me a better office job… I hate this. *cries*

This happens in EVERY store. When things don't fit me I take it personally - which I know logically is absolutely ridiculous - but it's always been this way. I know this is my body and I have to accept it – but it is really hard for me. And even harder than that is the fact that I can’t use the excuse that clothes don’t fit me because I’m a plus size girl. Other people can pick things off the hanger in the exact same size as me and fall in love with them and feel great about themselves and how they look. Granted watching that happen makes me a little bitter and I end up feeling even worse about my experience being so horrible – which of course makes me feel guilty. I mean, everyone should be able to put clothes on and appreciate how they look in them. Just because I can’t do that doesn’t mean I should begrudge anyone else that feeling even if it is hard to watch their joy when all I want to do is cry in frustration.

Still, it’s not going to change – I’m never going to have that automatic “I LOVE THIS” moment for anything more than shoes, jewelry, a purse or a sweater that doesn’t button, – which I just have to accept. It’s something I have to work on – but my husband has graciously offered to be my shopping buddy so that I don’t have to chose between feeling guilty or doing it alone. Maybe I should just shop online...