Yes, Jesus Loves Me...

So... after having a little crying jag in Bible Study - I got to thinking about the "why's" of my emotions... The thing is, I wasn't crying about my past. I know compared to other people – I really got off easy in a lot of ways. Yes, my childhood was difficult but I think I’ve done a good job of facing it and putting it in my past. Granted, every now and then it pops out to make a point – but for the most part it stays well behind me where it belongs.

I guess this past week it popped up because of the reading and I’m kind of glad that it did. Strike that – I’m really glad that it did! I’m a firm believer in trying to turn the bad stuff in your life into something positive – using it as a tool to learn and grow. The abuse I dealt with as a child (physical, sexual, emotional and mental) made me who I am today. While I am stronger because of it - I have erected a very thick protective shell to keep me from getting hurt – and although I am a sensitive person, I don’t let a whole lot of people inside my inner walls where I’m vulnerable.

And I am vulnerable – as much as I bluster and try to pretend that I’m strong and capable and self reliant – there’s still a child in me that longs to be loved unconditionally – who wants to be seen as not just good enough but as perfect, as worthy of love and gentleness. The author connected me to 4 year old me – to 7 year old me – to 12 year old me – to all the “Me’s” of my past who dealt with every abuse and wanted to cry “too much – not fair!”. To the child inside who longed for someone to stand up and say “Enough! I’ll make it stop.”

That’s not to say that no one ever took my side as a child. But whenever someone did stand up for me – it always ended up being short lived, a brief reprieve from the inevitable punishment that would come again. And although sometimes I felt the severity of my punishment was not congruent with what I had done to deserve it – I always knew I was bad. I think that’s why I’ve always had such a hard time with God/Jesus. I understood sin and punishment all too well. I knew I would “get what I deserved” even if in my eyes I thought it was too harsh a punishment. I never saw God as a loving God, but rather as a stern father and taskmaster – one who punished with an iron fist. Fully knowing that I would never be good enough, always waiting for the hammer to fall – I had a hard time having a personal relationship with Him.

So even though I knew that Jesus was my savior – I believed He died on the cross and that His blood was my ticket to heaven - it was an abstract kind of thing. Deep down I think it was too much to hope for that anyone would take it ALL when they didn’t have to. And then I read: “The meaning of Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, then, is that Jesus by His death turned aside the wrath of God from us by taking it upon Himself. As He hung on the cross, He bore our sins in His body and endured the full force of God’s wrath in our place.”

Full force of God’s wrath… Jesus stood in my place and took my beating for me. He took every punishment that God thought I deserved so that I wouldn’t have to. He loved me so much that He not only bled for me – He DIED for me… no one in my life had ever done that. No one not only stood up for me against an angry punisher but took my beating for me. I finally felt a personal connection. I not only understood it as a concept – I FELT HIS LOVE. It poured into my heart and it healed pain I didn’t know I had. But more than that – it showed me that God loved me too. He loved me so much that instead of punishing me (just another imperfect creation) He sacrificed His Son. He gave His most perfect creation to me so that I wouldn’t have to hurt – so that I wouldn’t have to die.

In my head at this moment I have a song I’ve known since childhood playing in a loop:

Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak but He is Strong.
Yes, Jesus Loves me.
Yes, Jesus Loves me.
Yes, Jesus Loves me.
The Bible tells me so.

It only took me 31 years, but I finally get it – and it is so personal and amazing… I can’t help but smile.