Epic Fail

So… I fell down at the gym yesterday. Can I tell you that has been one of the biggest fears for me this past (almost) 2 years. Falling down in front of people at the gym. And this was a fall that you couldn’t even play off either. Not one of those trip over your feet kinda things, no – I did this one up right.

So Brian, my trainer who I heart, likes to push me out of my comfort zone. He likes to motivate me and get me to do things that give me pause. You know, things that I look at and automatically say “I can’t do that.” So yesterday, totally one of those days. We start out with the things I can do: a circuit of squat presses on the machine, sitting the wall, calf raises – each go round increasing in weight or time or intensity. Hard? Yes. Possible? Absolutely. Do-able? Consider it done!

After three sets have been accomplished we move to our next room where I do some rows on the machine – this is shaping up to be a good strength workout... It’s at this point I turn around and see the next setup. Bosu ball under the pull up bar. Brian looks at me and says “Okay, so we’re gonna do 5 pushups, 5 burpees and then I want you to do 5 of these… let me show you.” He proceeds to jump on the bosu ball using his momentum to elevate him (not that he needs it as he’s super crazy tall) closer to the handle grips on the pull up bar where he then does a leg lift while doing a flexed arm hang from the handle bars.

I stare at him blankly. He smiles. I raise my eyebrow, he smiles wider. “You can do this. You think you can’t, but you can.” I raise my other eyebrow and tilt my head and say “Sure, uh-huh.” He smiles again “Remember, your list – don’t think about how you can’t do something – think about how you can!” Big, deep breath. Stare at bosu ball. Rock on heels. Big deep breath. “Prepare yourself mentally and then attack it Renee. You’ve got this.”

“I’ve got this.” I proceeded to – jump on bosu ball, bounce off bosu ball, reach for hand grips on the pull up bar, fingers brush handle grips on the pull up bar, fingers fail to find purchase on pull up bar handles, fingers flail frantically trying to make the air around the handle bar into something solid that will hold the body up… fingers fail utterly at making gas into solid, down falls fingers, toes, and everything in between… SLAM goes the elbow into the ground, WHUMP goes the tailbone at the same time, Whoosh goes the breath and Clack go the teeth as the jaw clamps shut. All that sound followed by Brian saying “Oh wow, are you okay?”

“Ummmm… ow.” Brian asks again if I’m okay. I look up at him, all the concern in the world on his face and I laugh. He looks even more concerned and asks if I’m hurt. I stand up, checking to make sure nothing’s seriously painful. “Only my pride.” Brian looks at me and says. “You ready to try again?” to which I say, “what, falling? Sure!”. Brian looks at me seriously and says, “You will not fall on the floor again. If you don’t land it, I will catch you.” I look at him and he looks back. I know he’ll throw himself on the floor underneath me and let me fall on him before he’ll let me fall on the concrete again.

“You ready?” he asks.

“Absolutely. I can do this.” Look at bosu ball, look at handle bars, back to bosu ball, back at handle bars – point at handle bars and say “Okay, this time – DON’T MOVE!” Brian chuckles. Jump on bosu ball, bounce of bosu ball, reach for handle grips on the pull up bar, fingers brush handle grips on the pull up bar, HEART POUNDS REALLY FAST, fingers clamp down solidly on handle bars, body swings, leg lifts, hands release, land upon feet not bottom or elbow. HIGH FIVE BRIAN. Do it again 4 more times. Then round 2: 3 push ups, 3 burpees, 3 more of the crazy. At which point Brian says he noticed that when I grip the handle bars I hook my grip instead of wrapping my thumb around, and he asked me to try again. I did and changed the grip. Then because he’s totally a little OCD, he said, oh, we can’t have odd numbers let’s do one more for an even 10. I guess we just don’t count the ones where I fail. I kinda like that math.

All to say that falling on my rearadear helped me realize that for me it’s easier to try again after falling down than it is to try in the first place. I’m not actually afraid of failing – I’m afraid of what other people will think of me when they see me fail. A lot of times fear of embarrassment keeps me from doing or saying the things that I should or that I want to. I focus so much on what other people think and their opinion of me and I don’t even realize that fear of the “what if” is paralyzing me. What if they laugh, what if they make fun of me, what if they hate me, what if they get angry, what if they don’t want to be my friend anymore? So much focus on the possibility of bad things happening that I lose the opportunity for good things.

And the thing is – I was talking to Todd the front desk guy before I left and I asked him if he saw me fall. You know what he said? “Nope, I saw you get back up.” It’s all about focus. Am I focused on the fear of what others think of me when I fail or what good could come out of others seeing me try? I want to be able to be someone who fails without fear of what other people think because God might want someone out there to see me get back up. While I don’t think I’ll ever like being a failure - I pray failing for Christ becomes easier.