Sorrow vs. Shame

Right now my shepherd group is reading a book called “When people are big and God is small”. I’ve been struggling not to read (too far) ahead so that I’m “fresh” for our group discussions. I say struggling because God has really been speaking to me through the book and I find that I just want to keep reading to see what He will show me. The main focus so far seems to be “the fear of man”, which has me thinking about things more than I normally would. For one thing, it has brought to light my sincere dislike of the word fear. For another, it has prompted me to really think about the differences between “God” and “Man”. I’m not just talking about the big differences like ‘perfect vs. imperfect’ either. I’m wrestling more specifically with how different my own reactions to those differences are. I feel like I need to know why my reactions are different. There are so many thought’s winding through my brain that it seems the act of following one thought to its conclusion is like trying to unravel a tangled piece of string. It feels like the thing God really wants me to grasp is there at the end of untangling all these fleeting thoughts. I know it’s worth it, I just need to work my way through.

So, here I go, just like division in 5th grade math – showing my work to try to find the answer or the mistake:

One of the things I’ve been mulling over is the premise that one of the reasons we are afraid of man is because we are ashamed: ashamed of who we are, or what we do or think, or how we look in regards to other people. We are afraid of being seen and ashamed that we are or we will be judged (fairly or not) by another person and we won’t measure up in their eyes. This idea of fear and being ashamed sort of got stuck in my head. I know fear and shame are both “feelings” and feelings are kind of murky and hard to explain. I mean, what exactly is the definition of fear, of shame? I figured I’d get out a dictionary:

Fear: a) a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. Synonyms: Dismay, dread, terror, fright, panic.
Fear: b) reverential awe, especially toward God. Synonyms: awe, respect, reverence.
Shame: The painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, done by oneself or another.
Ashamed: Feeling shame; distressed or embarrassed by feelings of guilt, foolishness or disgrace.
Disgrace: Put out of grace or favor.

Okay, I’m going to start with ‘fear’ and my dislike of that word. It’s because of definition “a” that I dislike the word. Really? Who wants to feel any of that? That definition of fear is automatically my go to because it defines a feeling I have known my whole life. I’ve felt all those synonyms in different situations. I’ve dreaded going to work because of having to deal with people. I’ve been dismayed by looking at the caller ID and seeing it’s someone I want to avoid. I’ve been panicked because I’m running late and it will upset someone else. I’ve been terrified of being punished for something I did as well as for something I didn’t do.

For a long time I associated that kind of fear with God because I didn’t realize there was another definition for Fear. But looking at it now, I have to agree with the need to ‘fear’ God. I believe God deserves my respect and should be treated with reverence. I should hold Him in awe and look on Him in amazed wonder and not just because He is perfect and almighty and created the universe. He gave up His perfect Son to save imperfect me. He let His son die so that I could live forever. Would I sacrifice myself or someone I loved that way? If that selfless, loving, beautiful act does not deserve my awe, and respect and reverence – I can think of nothing else that would. How strange that two definitions for the same word can have a completely different ‘feeling’.

Which leads me to the feeling of shame. Isn’t it something that both shame and fear use the word pain as a descriptor? I have felt the pain of both fear and shame before, so many times in fact I’d be hard pressed to narrow them down to try to pick the “best” example. I’ve been humiliated and shamed in front of others as well as in private, for things I’ve done and for things done to me. Let me just say I am not a fan of shame in any form, be it public humiliation or private embarrassment. There was not a separate sub-definition that said “regarding God” like there was for fear. So I went looked up ashamed to see if it would have something about God. The phrase ‘feelings of disgrace’ caught my eye so I looked up disgrace and started thinking.

You see, I know without a single doubt that I cannot be put out of God’s Grace. It is a gift God gave to me when I was saved. The moment I admitted my own failings and imperfections and my need for a savior and I accepted that my need had already been met and my sin paid for by the death of Christ on the cross I was forgiven and made a child of God. That unmerited, undeserved favor, love and kindness once given cannot be taken away. As long as I continue to believe in the truth of my salvation it doesn’t matter how many mistakes I make – God will never leave me or forsake me, he will always love me and treat me with kindness even though on my own, I would never deserve it.

So if I know that I cannot be put out of God’s Grace then how can I feel ashamed before Him? Asking myself that question helped me realize that I haven’t. God has never made me feel ashamed. Don’t get me wrong, God has rebuked me and God has called me out for my wrong doings. I have fallen to my knees in His presence and known beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am a sinner and my heart is black and undeserving of His Love, His Grace or His Mercy. But even on my knees, even confessing my sin to Him, He never made me feel ashamed. So since it isn’t shame I feel with God I wanted to figure out what exactly it is I do feel.

The answer is of course another definition or five:

Fear: reverential awe, respect, reverence.
Guilt: the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong. A feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong.
Sorrow: distress caused by loss, affliction, disappointment; grief, sadness, or regret.
Grace: unmerited favor or goodwill. Synonyms: kindness, love, mercy.
Mercy: Compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy or other person in one’s power.

I begin by resting in the fact that He is worthy of my awe and respect and reverence. I come before an awesome God saved but still flawed and in need of forgiveness for my sins so that I can be as close to Him as my heart desires me to be. When I make a mistake, when I sin, it causes a rift in my relationship with God just as it would cause a rift in any relationship. I feel guilt, just like I would if I’d hurt a friend by doing something wrong. If I acknowledge my mistake, if I take responsibility for it, I feel sorrow. I feel distress at the loss of closeness with God, I feel regret for having caused the rift in the relationship, I feel disappointment with myself for making the mistake. I don’t feel self conscious or worry about what God is going to think about me. I don’t feel ridiculous or embarrassed, no it’s not shame I feel it’s sorrow.

But why is there this difference? Why do I feel shame with people and sorrow with God? Is it that I trust God and I don’t trust people? Is it because God is perfect and so is His Grace and His Mercy?

How is it that I unravel the jumbled thoughts in my head thinking that is where God will give me answers and I find more questions?

Proverbs 2:
If you receive my words
and treasure up my commandments with you,
making your ear attentive to wisdom
and inclining your heart to understanding;
yes, if you call out for insight
and raise your voice for understanding,
if you seek it like silver
and search for it as for hidden treasures,
then you will understand the fear of the Lord
and find the knowledge of God.

Guess I need to keep seeking like silver, searching for it as for hidden treasures.