Merry Christmas

So, this Christmas I thought was going to be a great big bust. I mean, secularly speaking - since we are trying to save for a house - gift giving would be on the cheap side. That doesn't mean that I bought people crappy gifts - because I didn't. I put real thought into everything I bought. I gave no gift cards this year at all - everything had a meaning to it or was something I bought specifically for a person because I thought they would enjoy it.

Still, I struggled with what I like to call Giftmas Guilt... That's when people obviously spend more money on you than you did on them. I don't know why I have this need for everything to be equal on both sides... perhaps in a former life I was an accountant. All I know is that this year - I didn't let the Giftmas Guilt grow into a Guiltmonster that made me spend more money than I budgeted. I succeeded in not spending more than I felt comfortable doing and warned myself that others might spend more on me and I would just have to be okay with it.

And then - I get a gift from my brother in law. It's a check for $1,000.00 to help us buy a house. And the thing is - we need the money and even though we never would have asked for the money or planned on getting a gift that beyond the normal scope of gifts - that GUILTMONSTER reared it's ugly head and my first instinct was to feel horrible because we couldn't give him back anything to even come close to equaling his gift.

That's when the word came to me... GIFT. This was a God given gift - Jamie was moved to give us that money as a selfless GIFT - from his heart. I burst into tears and had to excuse myself. I thanked God and I thanked Jamie as well - but still in the back of my mind was the nagging inability to balance the scales of gift giving.

The thing that really helped ease my mind was listening to a sermon from last year at RBC. In it Paul Goodnight was talking about God's gift to us was really the Gift of a Gift. God gave us Jesus (a gift) which gave us the gift of Salvation. When someone gives a really extravagant gift (think a car in the driveway for a 16th birthday) if the person receiving that gift to were to say "Oh, it's too much, let me give you something for it" and tried to give $10.00 which was all they had - not only would it be offensive but it would be assigning a lesser worth to the gift.

If I try to repay Jamie - it cheapens it, not just for me, but for him. That is the beauty of a "real" gift. It's one without strings and from the heart - one that can't be repaid except with Love.

When keeping up is killing you...

So, this whole might have bitten off more than I can chew thing is NOT getting me down. It is however causing me to re-evaluate things a wee bit. There are soooooo many things I want to do and feel I need to do and think I have to do - but in reality, there are a lot of things that I can do differently to make time for other things.

This week, I'm taking a break from blogging my bible studies. I sat down with my book and my Bible and a highlighter pen. I read my book, opened my smaller bible with it's pretty color coded tabs and got down to business. I realized in trying to tackle it this way instead of on the computer several things will be different.

1. I will grow familiar with the layout of the Bible... perhaps even remembering where to find things in the physical one so that I can get a little faster when I do have to follow along in church.
2. I will be able to highlight my Bible as I go, that way when I read on my own I can connect it with my lessons.
3. I won't type out questions and answers - which could mean I don't remember things as well, but I hope that isn't the case.
4. I will have to trust that when I talk in study - the words will come out right - even though I haven't written out everything I want to say beforehand.
5. It will take more back and forth time and I might get frustrated more because of too many books to go through, but in the short term it actually seems faster.

So... now that I have finished my studies - 5 hours later - (not bad for doing two!) I am going to work on my Christmas Gifts.

Textless Tuesday...

Swine Flu

Shamelessly stolen from a friend:

Busy-busy bee!

So, tonight starts my first night of my new bible study and I should be excited. I want to be excited. But I'm SOOOOOOOO tired! I have a feeling that donating blood last night could have a weensy bit to do with my lethargy - but really I know it's that I'm spreading myself thinner than I probably should.

That is why I have given up several of my TV shows (the crappy ones that are horrible guilty pleasures have been the first ones to go) and am trying to cut down on my "junk" reading... which isn't going so well since I just downloaded the Richard Castle book to my kindle... Yes, it's a book written by the fictional author from the TV show Castle - but I needed it!

I'm also trying to spend more quality time with my hubby - since we've been reducing the quantity of the time together, I figured it was only fair to up the quality... which is why I will be attending a football game this weekend...Hello 50 yard line (whatever that means).

So we'll see how the new study fits in with my already crazy schedule. I'm hoping it's not a ton of extra work - because I really would like to sleep sometime...although there is that saying "I'll sleep when I'm dead."

Yes, Jesus Loves Me...

So... after having a little crying jag in Bible Study - I got to thinking about the "why's" of my emotions... The thing is, I wasn't crying about my past. I know compared to other people – I really got off easy in a lot of ways. Yes, my childhood was difficult but I think I’ve done a good job of facing it and putting it in my past. Granted, every now and then it pops out to make a point – but for the most part it stays well behind me where it belongs.

I guess this past week it popped up because of the reading and I’m kind of glad that it did. Strike that – I’m really glad that it did! I’m a firm believer in trying to turn the bad stuff in your life into something positive – using it as a tool to learn and grow. The abuse I dealt with as a child (physical, sexual, emotional and mental) made me who I am today. While I am stronger because of it - I have erected a very thick protective shell to keep me from getting hurt – and although I am a sensitive person, I don’t let a whole lot of people inside my inner walls where I’m vulnerable.

And I am vulnerable – as much as I bluster and try to pretend that I’m strong and capable and self reliant – there’s still a child in me that longs to be loved unconditionally – who wants to be seen as not just good enough but as perfect, as worthy of love and gentleness. The author connected me to 4 year old me – to 7 year old me – to 12 year old me – to all the “Me’s” of my past who dealt with every abuse and wanted to cry “too much – not fair!”. To the child inside who longed for someone to stand up and say “Enough! I’ll make it stop.”

That’s not to say that no one ever took my side as a child. But whenever someone did stand up for me – it always ended up being short lived, a brief reprieve from the inevitable punishment that would come again. And although sometimes I felt the severity of my punishment was not congruent with what I had done to deserve it – I always knew I was bad. I think that’s why I’ve always had such a hard time with God/Jesus. I understood sin and punishment all too well. I knew I would “get what I deserved” even if in my eyes I thought it was too harsh a punishment. I never saw God as a loving God, but rather as a stern father and taskmaster – one who punished with an iron fist. Fully knowing that I would never be good enough, always waiting for the hammer to fall – I had a hard time having a personal relationship with Him.

So even though I knew that Jesus was my savior – I believed He died on the cross and that His blood was my ticket to heaven - it was an abstract kind of thing. Deep down I think it was too much to hope for that anyone would take it ALL when they didn’t have to. And then I read: “The meaning of Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, then, is that Jesus by His death turned aside the wrath of God from us by taking it upon Himself. As He hung on the cross, He bore our sins in His body and endured the full force of God’s wrath in our place.”

Full force of God’s wrath… Jesus stood in my place and took my beating for me. He took every punishment that God thought I deserved so that I wouldn’t have to. He loved me so much that He not only bled for me – He DIED for me… no one in my life had ever done that. No one not only stood up for me against an angry punisher but took my beating for me. I finally felt a personal connection. I not only understood it as a concept – I FELT HIS LOVE. It poured into my heart and it healed pain I didn’t know I had. But more than that – it showed me that God loved me too. He loved me so much that instead of punishing me (just another imperfect creation) He sacrificed His Son. He gave His most perfect creation to me so that I wouldn’t have to hurt – so that I wouldn’t have to die.

In my head at this moment I have a song I’ve known since childhood playing in a loop:

Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak but He is Strong.
Yes, Jesus Loves me.
Yes, Jesus Loves me.
Yes, Jesus Loves me.
The Bible tells me so.

It only took me 31 years, but I finally get it – and it is so personal and amazing… I can’t help but smile.

Well, don't you look nice today?

Really? It sounds like a compliment - but somehow makes me feel like I look like crap every other day. Maybe it's just me...