Monday, January 14, 2013

How do I explain my feelings right now? Even if I try, it probably won’t make any sense. But I sit here with a picture taken yesterday and have to decide if it’s “okay” for me to share it. It’s not like it’s anything risqué or something I would have been shamed to have someone see. It’s just me hugging the man I share DNA with, who my entire speaking life I have called “Daddy”.

The thing is, it feels like a betrayal of my Dad’s memory. I know logically it isn't a betrayal. It doesn't mean I love or miss my Dad any less. He never wanted or asked me to not have a relationship with the man who sired me. So, I shouldn't feel guilty for going to see him to tell him I am moving away... but somehow I do. And the visit brought out so much emotion and I’m not quite sure where to put it all, so I’ve decided to put it here.

I miss my Dad. I miss that we saw each other’s flaws, and loved each other anyway. I miss that he expected more from me than I often expected from myself. He came out to support my interests even when they were not his. He was there for birthdays, and graduations, and on my wedding day he walked me down the aisle. He taught me to drive, he taught me to be responsible, he taught me to be generous, he taught me to be forgiving. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if he hadn’t been there every day of my life for almost 25 years.

By missing my Dad and everything I had with him, I realized how much I miss the relationship I never had with the man who looks at me and still sees his baby girl. He wasn’t there for many birthdays. He wasn’t there for graduations. We never talked about what he expected from me or what he thought was important in life. I never got to know him as a person or an adult. I didn’t invite him to my wedding because I didn’t know how to do that without hurting him or hurting my Dad or hurting myself. And here I sit again, feeling fairly similar to then. Only now, one of them is getting older and one of them is gone forever and I hurt either way.

In a perfect world I wouldn't have to miss or choose. But this world is broken and so am I and so is everyone else. Instead of sitting here crying over relationships that weren’t or aren’t or are no more… I will try to find comfort in the relationships I do have. Like the one I have with my perfect heavenly Father. The One who gave me a Dad and a Daddy. The One who’s sovereignty guides my life. And I know that all this He will use for His glory and my good – even if I can’t see it right this second.

So, I will put up the picture that was taken yesterday. Even though I can’t reconcile my feelings right now – I know God is doing a work in my heart and I should share it.

Me and Daddy - Up Home.

1 comment:

  1. I can't read this without hearing you say "Hey Daddy!" in your Up Home accent.