Selfish Phase

So... hanging from the wall in my cubicle is a poem I wrote during one of the lowest points of my life after a really difficult breakup.

Selfish Phase

I'm doing things I want to do.
I'm learning things I thought I knew.
I'm having fun - without you.
It's a selfish phase.

I eat vanilla ice cream in bed.
Gaining 10 lbs. doesn't fill me with dread.
If I wanted to I could shave my head.
It's a selfish phase.

I curse like a sailor when I stub my toes.
I watch really crappy t.v. shows.
I threw out all my pantyhose.
It's a selfish phase.

I'm going where I want to go.
I'm growing how I want to grow.
I never tell myself no.
It's a selfish phase.

I flirt with all the men I meet.
When I'm in bed I get the sheets.
I haven't shaved my legs in weeks.
It's a selfish phase.

I can watch sappy movies and cry.
I never have to give reasons why.
I don't care about the size of my thighs.
It's a selfish phase.

I'm living life just for me.
I'm wild and young and so carefree.
I'm being who I need to be.
Must be that selfish phase.

And yes, I still have it up in my line of sight even after all these years. And yes, I am now happily married and have been for almost 5 years. It might seem a strange reminder to keep, but I have it because it reminds me of why my relationships before my husband didn't work. I had never been myself. I always bent to please someone else - changed who I was to make others happy. I swallowed my feelings and conformed to what I thought the other person wanted at the expense of what I wanted... really, at the expense of what I needed.

So when everything in my life fell apart - I finally realized that no one was going to love who I was unless I figured out who that was and let her be seen. I started down a road I had never been on before. What did I want? What did I need? What did I deserve? Where did I want to go and who did I want to be? What did I love about me and what did I want to change?

Now, while I know I need to be pruned... I also know that I was made who I am for a reason. God is sovereign in ALL things, including my personality. I am a loud person and I like to laugh and have a good time but I can't be "on" all the time. Sometimes I hurt and have doubts and am afraid and need comfort. I am not meek or subservient but I like to help people in need however I can. I have opinions and if I really believe in something I will fight for it but I don't like confrontation and avoid it like the plague. I am emotional and loving but I can be possessive and insecure.

I am a work in progress and I hope that is true of me all my life. I am truly blessed to have a husband who loves me for who I really am and not just a version of me. It is wonderful to know who you are - flaws and all, and be okay with it because you know someone else loves you unconditionally.

I know not everyone can be blessed with a husband as wonderful as mine... but everyone can be blessed with a Father who will love them through everything - their trials and tribulations as well as their joy and celebration. God's unconditional love is more than just a blessing... it really is everything and it is there for anyone who needs it. How amazing is that?