So, tonight starts my first night of my new bible study and I should be excited. I want to be excited. But I'm SOOOOOOOO tired! I have a feeling that donating blood last night could have a weensy bit to do with my lethargy - but really I know it's that I'm spreading myself thinner than I probably should.
That is why I have given up several of my TV shows (the crappy ones that are horrible guilty pleasures have been the first ones to go) and am trying to cut down on my "junk" reading... which isn't going so well since I just downloaded the Richard Castle book to my kindle... Yes, it's a book written by the fictional author from the TV show Castle - but I needed it!
I'm also trying to spend more quality time with my hubby - since we've been reducing the quantity of the time together, I figured it was only fair to up the quality... which is why I will be attending a football game this weekend...Hello 50 yard line (whatever that means).
So we'll see how the new study fits in with my already crazy schedule. I'm hoping it's not a ton of extra work - because I really would like to sleep sometime...although there is that saying "I'll sleep when I'm dead."
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Yes, Jesus Loves Me...
So... after having a little crying jag in Bible Study - I got to thinking about the "why's" of my emotions... The thing is, I wasn't crying about my past. I know compared to other people – I really got off easy in a lot of ways. Yes, my childhood was difficult but I think I’ve done a good job of facing it and putting it in my past. Granted, every now and then it pops out to make a point – but for the most part it stays well behind me where it belongs.
I guess this past week it popped up because of the reading and I’m kind of glad that it did. Strike that – I’m really glad that it did! I’m a firm believer in trying to turn the bad stuff in your life into something positive – using it as a tool to learn and grow. The abuse I dealt with as a child (physical, sexual, emotional and mental) made me who I am today. While I am stronger because of it - I have erected a very thick protective shell to keep me from getting hurt – and although I am a sensitive person, I don’t let a whole lot of people inside my inner walls where I’m vulnerable.
And I am vulnerable – as much as I bluster and try to pretend that I’m strong and capable and self reliant – there’s still a child in me that longs to be loved unconditionally – who wants to be seen as not just good enough but as perfect, as worthy of love and gentleness. The author connected me to 4 year old me – to 7 year old me – to 12 year old me – to all the “Me’s” of my past who dealt with every abuse and wanted to cry “too much – not fair!”. To the child inside who longed for someone to stand up and say “Enough! I’ll make it stop.”
That’s not to say that no one ever took my side as a child. But whenever someone did stand up for me – it always ended up being short lived, a brief reprieve from the inevitable punishment that would come again. And although sometimes I felt the severity of my punishment was not congruent with what I had done to deserve it – I always knew I was bad. I think that’s why I’ve always had such a hard time with God/Jesus. I understood sin and punishment all too well. I knew I would “get what I deserved” even if in my eyes I thought it was too harsh a punishment. I never saw God as a loving God, but rather as a stern father and taskmaster – one who punished with an iron fist. Fully knowing that I would never be good enough, always waiting for the hammer to fall – I had a hard time having a personal relationship with Him.
So even though I knew that Jesus was my savior – I believed He died on the cross and that His blood was my ticket to heaven - it was an abstract kind of thing. Deep down I think it was too much to hope for that anyone would take it ALL when they didn’t have to. And then I read: “The meaning of Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, then, is that Jesus by His death turned aside the wrath of God from us by taking it upon Himself. As He hung on the cross, He bore our sins in His body and endured the full force of God’s wrath in our place.”
Full force of God’s wrath… Jesus stood in my place and took my beating for me. He took every punishment that God thought I deserved so that I wouldn’t have to. He loved me so much that He not only bled for me – He DIED for me… no one in my life had ever done that. No one not only stood up for me against an angry punisher but took my beating for me. I finally felt a personal connection. I not only understood it as a concept – I FELT HIS LOVE. It poured into my heart and it healed pain I didn’t know I had. But more than that – it showed me that God loved me too. He loved me so much that instead of punishing me (just another imperfect creation) He sacrificed His Son. He gave His most perfect creation to me so that I wouldn’t have to hurt – so that I wouldn’t have to die.
In my head at this moment I have a song I’ve known since childhood playing in a loop:
Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak but He is Strong.
Yes, Jesus Loves me.
Yes, Jesus Loves me.
Yes, Jesus Loves me.
The Bible tells me so.
It only took me 31 years, but I finally get it – and it is so personal and amazing… I can’t help but smile.
I guess this past week it popped up because of the reading and I’m kind of glad that it did. Strike that – I’m really glad that it did! I’m a firm believer in trying to turn the bad stuff in your life into something positive – using it as a tool to learn and grow. The abuse I dealt with as a child (physical, sexual, emotional and mental) made me who I am today. While I am stronger because of it - I have erected a very thick protective shell to keep me from getting hurt – and although I am a sensitive person, I don’t let a whole lot of people inside my inner walls where I’m vulnerable.
And I am vulnerable – as much as I bluster and try to pretend that I’m strong and capable and self reliant – there’s still a child in me that longs to be loved unconditionally – who wants to be seen as not just good enough but as perfect, as worthy of love and gentleness. The author connected me to 4 year old me – to 7 year old me – to 12 year old me – to all the “Me’s” of my past who dealt with every abuse and wanted to cry “too much – not fair!”. To the child inside who longed for someone to stand up and say “Enough! I’ll make it stop.”
That’s not to say that no one ever took my side as a child. But whenever someone did stand up for me – it always ended up being short lived, a brief reprieve from the inevitable punishment that would come again. And although sometimes I felt the severity of my punishment was not congruent with what I had done to deserve it – I always knew I was bad. I think that’s why I’ve always had such a hard time with God/Jesus. I understood sin and punishment all too well. I knew I would “get what I deserved” even if in my eyes I thought it was too harsh a punishment. I never saw God as a loving God, but rather as a stern father and taskmaster – one who punished with an iron fist. Fully knowing that I would never be good enough, always waiting for the hammer to fall – I had a hard time having a personal relationship with Him.
So even though I knew that Jesus was my savior – I believed He died on the cross and that His blood was my ticket to heaven - it was an abstract kind of thing. Deep down I think it was too much to hope for that anyone would take it ALL when they didn’t have to. And then I read: “The meaning of Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, then, is that Jesus by His death turned aside the wrath of God from us by taking it upon Himself. As He hung on the cross, He bore our sins in His body and endured the full force of God’s wrath in our place.”
Full force of God’s wrath… Jesus stood in my place and took my beating for me. He took every punishment that God thought I deserved so that I wouldn’t have to. He loved me so much that He not only bled for me – He DIED for me… no one in my life had ever done that. No one not only stood up for me against an angry punisher but took my beating for me. I finally felt a personal connection. I not only understood it as a concept – I FELT HIS LOVE. It poured into my heart and it healed pain I didn’t know I had. But more than that – it showed me that God loved me too. He loved me so much that instead of punishing me (just another imperfect creation) He sacrificed His Son. He gave His most perfect creation to me so that I wouldn’t have to hurt – so that I wouldn’t have to die.
In my head at this moment I have a song I’ve known since childhood playing in a loop:
Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak but He is Strong.
Yes, Jesus Loves me.
Yes, Jesus Loves me.
Yes, Jesus Loves me.
The Bible tells me so.
It only took me 31 years, but I finally get it – and it is so personal and amazing… I can’t help but smile.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Well, don't you look nice today?
Really? It sounds like a compliment - but somehow makes me feel like I look like crap every other day. Maybe it's just me...
If you want to destroy my sweater...
I really don't like shopping. GASP! I'm female and I don't like shopping? That's right! Shopping is one of my least favorite things to do. I always feel fat and frumpy. I'm short and so things never just fit right. Pants are always too long and shirts are a nightmare! If they fit in the shoulders they are too tight at the waist – if they fit at the waist, they’re too wide in the shoulder… Or, if by some miracle I can manage to find something that fits at the shoulder and isn’t too tight at the waist – it comes down to mid thigh which makes me look even shorter than I already am. Granted, if my desire is to look like I’m wearing a tent I win!
Of course, I don't usually go for that look on purpose. I admit I end up there a lot though. People look at me and wonder why I wear clothes that don’t fit me – and the answer is I get so frustrated I give up. Why not just keep wearing the oversize clothes? I mean, it's easier. And luckily I have a job where no one cares what I look like and I don't have to deal with the frustration of trying to look like I can dress myself. Sadly, I want a job where they treat me like a person... and I guess to get a job like that I have to wear clothes that look "professional" - which means shopping...
So I start off at a strong shopping disadvantage. To begin with I have to use my imagination to think of what it could look like if I have it altered to fit my body. If I do find something to wear - I have to put in far more analysis than most people. Here’s what my head sounds like when I’m in the dressing room:
Okay – it doesn’t fit over my stomach. That’s disgusting.
Next.
Even with a camisole this would look like I’m wearing my moms shirt.
Next.
ARGH! How does this make me look like a pregnant woman with an A cup?
Next.
I’m not a 70 year old woman – I shouldn’t look like I am someone’s grandma.
Next.
Okay – well, this one isn’t too bad… I mean, it’s kind of long – I’d definitely need it hemmed… how much is it? $60.00!!!! So I have to spend $60.00 just to get a SHIRT that doesn’t even fit me right? This is not fair. (Takes deep breath)
Well, I need a new shirt… and this is the best one they’ve got… the color is flattering… it would only take maybe $10.00/20.00 to have it altered… So that’s $70.00/80.00 for a SHIRT! (You can’t spend $80.00 on a shirt.) But it’s the only one in the ENTIRE store that fits me (You could buy 7 t-shirts at Wal-Mart for the price of this shirt.) But 7 t-shirts at Wal-Mart won’t get me a better office job… I hate this. *cries*
This happens in EVERY store. When things don't fit me I take it personally - which I know logically is absolutely ridiculous - but it's always been this way. I know this is my body and I have to accept it – but it is really hard for me. And even harder than that is the fact that I can’t use the excuse that clothes don’t fit me because I’m a plus size girl. Other people can pick things off the hanger in the exact same size as me and fall in love with them and feel great about themselves and how they look. Granted watching that happen makes me a little bitter and I end up feeling even worse about my experience being so horrible – which of course makes me feel guilty. I mean, everyone should be able to put clothes on and appreciate how they look in them. Just because I can’t do that doesn’t mean I should begrudge anyone else that feeling even if it is hard to watch their joy when all I want to do is cry in frustration.
Still, it’s not going to change – I’m never going to have that automatic “I LOVE THIS” moment for anything more than shoes, jewelry, a purse or a sweater that doesn’t button, – which I just have to accept. It’s something I have to work on – but my husband has graciously offered to be my shopping buddy so that I don’t have to chose between feeling guilty or doing it alone. Maybe I should just shop online...
Of course, I don't usually go for that look on purpose. I admit I end up there a lot though. People look at me and wonder why I wear clothes that don’t fit me – and the answer is I get so frustrated I give up. Why not just keep wearing the oversize clothes? I mean, it's easier. And luckily I have a job where no one cares what I look like and I don't have to deal with the frustration of trying to look like I can dress myself. Sadly, I want a job where they treat me like a person... and I guess to get a job like that I have to wear clothes that look "professional" - which means shopping...
So I start off at a strong shopping disadvantage. To begin with I have to use my imagination to think of what it could look like if I have it altered to fit my body. If I do find something to wear - I have to put in far more analysis than most people. Here’s what my head sounds like when I’m in the dressing room:
Okay – it doesn’t fit over my stomach. That’s disgusting.
Next.
Even with a camisole this would look like I’m wearing my moms shirt.
Next.
ARGH! How does this make me look like a pregnant woman with an A cup?
Next.
I’m not a 70 year old woman – I shouldn’t look like I am someone’s grandma.
Next.
Okay – well, this one isn’t too bad… I mean, it’s kind of long – I’d definitely need it hemmed… how much is it? $60.00!!!! So I have to spend $60.00 just to get a SHIRT that doesn’t even fit me right? This is not fair. (Takes deep breath)
Well, I need a new shirt… and this is the best one they’ve got… the color is flattering… it would only take maybe $10.00/20.00 to have it altered… So that’s $70.00/80.00 for a SHIRT! (You can’t spend $80.00 on a shirt.) But it’s the only one in the ENTIRE store that fits me (You could buy 7 t-shirts at Wal-Mart for the price of this shirt.) But 7 t-shirts at Wal-Mart won’t get me a better office job… I hate this. *cries*
This happens in EVERY store. When things don't fit me I take it personally - which I know logically is absolutely ridiculous - but it's always been this way. I know this is my body and I have to accept it – but it is really hard for me. And even harder than that is the fact that I can’t use the excuse that clothes don’t fit me because I’m a plus size girl. Other people can pick things off the hanger in the exact same size as me and fall in love with them and feel great about themselves and how they look. Granted watching that happen makes me a little bitter and I end up feeling even worse about my experience being so horrible – which of course makes me feel guilty. I mean, everyone should be able to put clothes on and appreciate how they look in them. Just because I can’t do that doesn’t mean I should begrudge anyone else that feeling even if it is hard to watch their joy when all I want to do is cry in frustration.
Still, it’s not going to change – I’m never going to have that automatic “I LOVE THIS” moment for anything more than shoes, jewelry, a purse or a sweater that doesn’t button, – which I just have to accept. It’s something I have to work on – but my husband has graciously offered to be my shopping buddy so that I don’t have to chose between feeling guilty or doing it alone. Maybe I should just shop online...
Thursday, September 24, 2009
So Thankful
I am just so thankful at this moment that I had to share it or I feel like I might burst open.
I am thankful for my husband (who is the most wonderful man on the planet) because he loves me and he shows me he loves me every day in every way - even when he doesn't know it.
I am thankful for my brother Jon who reminds me so much of a younger me - who loves me and appreciates me as more than just his sister who is 12 years older- but who shares with me as a friend.
I am thankful for Maggie because she brought me to a church I feel like I can belong to and because she supports me and helps lift me up - and because she's just such a beautiful person inside and out and I am lucky to know her.
I am thankful for Maggie's husband Kim for being so understanding at the beginning stages of Maggie's and my friendship - For not kicking me out of his house since I'm over there all the time - taking away from time with his wife.
I am thankful for Maggie's children because they give hugs and loan me books and call me Miss Murray... because they help heal my heart of its sadness at not having babies of my own.
I am thankful for RBC because being there feels like coming to God's home, sitting at His table, and being welcomed as if it were my own home.
I am thankful for Shepherd Group for giving me a place to meet new people in the same time of their lives going through the same struggles as my husband and I. I am thankful that they made us feel so welcome and that they really seem to get me and appreciate me for what I bring with me.
I am thankful for Bible Study and all the women in it not only for giving me an opportunity to learn from other women but for being so warm and accepting while doing it.
But most of all I am thankful to God because:
God brought me my husband when I wasn't looking.
God filled me with the need to build a relationship with my brother before it was too late.
God moved Maggie to ask if I wanted to be friends outside of book club.
God filled Kim with the worlds largest amount of patience.
God created children's ability to show love with free hugs.
God's Spirit allowed Maggie to ask me to accompany her to church and God's grace allowed me to be moved by that experience.
God filled me with a desire to serve Him and grow in my knowledge of Him and provided ways to use me so that His light could shine through me. And even though I am tarnished glass - I can still glow!
I am thankful for my husband (who is the most wonderful man on the planet) because he loves me and he shows me he loves me every day in every way - even when he doesn't know it.
I am thankful for my brother Jon who reminds me so much of a younger me - who loves me and appreciates me as more than just his sister who is 12 years older- but who shares with me as a friend.
I am thankful for Maggie because she brought me to a church I feel like I can belong to and because she supports me and helps lift me up - and because she's just such a beautiful person inside and out and I am lucky to know her.
I am thankful for Maggie's husband Kim for being so understanding at the beginning stages of Maggie's and my friendship - For not kicking me out of his house since I'm over there all the time - taking away from time with his wife.
I am thankful for Maggie's children because they give hugs and loan me books and call me Miss Murray... because they help heal my heart of its sadness at not having babies of my own.
I am thankful for RBC because being there feels like coming to God's home, sitting at His table, and being welcomed as if it were my own home.
I am thankful for Shepherd Group for giving me a place to meet new people in the same time of their lives going through the same struggles as my husband and I. I am thankful that they made us feel so welcome and that they really seem to get me and appreciate me for what I bring with me.
I am thankful for Bible Study and all the women in it not only for giving me an opportunity to learn from other women but for being so warm and accepting while doing it.
But most of all I am thankful to God because:
God brought me my husband when I wasn't looking.
God filled me with the need to build a relationship with my brother before it was too late.
God moved Maggie to ask if I wanted to be friends outside of book club.
God filled Kim with the worlds largest amount of patience.
God created children's ability to show love with free hugs.
God's Spirit allowed Maggie to ask me to accompany her to church and God's grace allowed me to be moved by that experience.
God filled me with a desire to serve Him and grow in my knowledge of Him and provided ways to use me so that His light could shine through me. And even though I am tarnished glass - I can still glow!
Monday, September 21, 2009
She works hard for the money!
Sorry... thought the song title was appropriate for today because I am working hard for the money. I was really busy all day! Now I'm on overtime - waiting for a delivery to be finished so I can forward the phones and clock out.
Once I get home, I get to continue to work hard - although, not for the money... for my hubby! I get to make spaghetti for lunches for the week while John makes dinner for tonight. After that I get to watch my shows and drink a glass of chocolate wine (it makes me so happy) and then go to bed.
I am so thankful I finished up the Bible Study for tomorrow already - because I really do want to just relax for a bit tonight.
So Tuesday - I work and then I go to Bible Study. Then Maggie and I are going back to my house to watch SYTYCD which has it's first Tuesday episode (I believe). Which we will Blog about while eating quesadillas (because that late at night, that's all I can eat)
Then Wednesday, I have to work - then stop at my moms and drop off her birthday present... (which I have to find time to buy between now and then!) What am I going to get my mom? The gift I had thought of I am now thinking maybe I shouldn't get - and so it's going to be all last minute gifting which is not my favorite way to do it, but I'm praying it'll all work out. Then I'm going to get home (hopefully early!) so that John and I can read over the chapter for Shepherd Group on Friday.
Thursday I get to babysit Julia and Joe! I'm very excited about it. I find that hanging out and getting hugs from really great kids reduces my immediate need to have a baby to a more tolerable level of want. Plus it lets me be goofy and silly - and I don't get to act that way nearly often enough.
Friday John and I get to go to Shepherd Group - and I get to take Kristen her BabyCake. I hope it brightens her day a little because I know that she's been having a really rough time lately - and I'd really like it to make her smile. Then afterwards we plan to go to IHOP for dinner - but the animal rights groups are calling for a boycott because of the eggs that they use - so now I feel guilty about that... I'll need to discuss it with John.
Saturday I'm going to sleep in!!!! That is, if we don't have anything going on. And then when I do get up I'm going to do my Bible Study for the next class.
Sunday - John and I are going to church and then when we get done we'll probably go to John's mom's house for a bit. They will watch the game and I will read Me and Mr. Darcy - which I probably shouldn't be reading instead of my book club book, but I really can't help it. Columbine is really depressing and hard to get through.
And then it'll start all over again next week. YAY!
Once I get home, I get to continue to work hard - although, not for the money... for my hubby! I get to make spaghetti for lunches for the week while John makes dinner for tonight. After that I get to watch my shows and drink a glass of chocolate wine (it makes me so happy) and then go to bed.
I am so thankful I finished up the Bible Study for tomorrow already - because I really do want to just relax for a bit tonight.
So Tuesday - I work and then I go to Bible Study. Then Maggie and I are going back to my house to watch SYTYCD which has it's first Tuesday episode (I believe). Which we will Blog about while eating quesadillas (because that late at night, that's all I can eat)
Then Wednesday, I have to work - then stop at my moms and drop off her birthday present... (which I have to find time to buy between now and then!) What am I going to get my mom? The gift I had thought of I am now thinking maybe I shouldn't get - and so it's going to be all last minute gifting which is not my favorite way to do it, but I'm praying it'll all work out. Then I'm going to get home (hopefully early!) so that John and I can read over the chapter for Shepherd Group on Friday.
Thursday I get to babysit Julia and Joe! I'm very excited about it. I find that hanging out and getting hugs from really great kids reduces my immediate need to have a baby to a more tolerable level of want. Plus it lets me be goofy and silly - and I don't get to act that way nearly often enough.
Friday John and I get to go to Shepherd Group - and I get to take Kristen her BabyCake. I hope it brightens her day a little because I know that she's been having a really rough time lately - and I'd really like it to make her smile. Then afterwards we plan to go to IHOP for dinner - but the animal rights groups are calling for a boycott because of the eggs that they use - so now I feel guilty about that... I'll need to discuss it with John.
Saturday I'm going to sleep in!!!! That is, if we don't have anything going on. And then when I do get up I'm going to do my Bible Study for the next class.
Sunday - John and I are going to church and then when we get done we'll probably go to John's mom's house for a bit. They will watch the game and I will read Me and Mr. Darcy - which I probably shouldn't be reading instead of my book club book, but I really can't help it. Columbine is really depressing and hard to get through.
And then it'll start all over again next week. YAY!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Ready for a brand new start!
So, this was the haircut I got a few months ago. I LOVED it. I thought it was really flattering and it made me feel more confident. Then it started to grow out... I wasn't as wild about that part...
Although, it did look kind of cute in pigtails!
(You can't see the pigtails at this angle, but c'mon... I've got Cat ears!)Still, it got a little more scraggly and I found that trying to style it was making me less happy than I would have liked. So... I thought about spending the money and just at least getting the bangs trimmed... but then I started thinking about things.
I realized I was going to be taking on two Bible Studies, a Shepherd Group, my regular book club, church, and life in general... and I came to the decision that something was going to have to give! And that something, I decided, was going to be my hair.
Now, this is the shortest my hair has EVER been in my adult life... but it's really easy to style in the morning, and I think it looks a lot more put together than it ever did when it was long. Which means, if any opportunities come my way - I'll probably at least look as if I'm ready for them!
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