Words

I like words. Long words, short words, nouns, adjectives, superlatives – really, I like them all. They can be used in so many ways. They can tell you fact or fiction. They can make you cry or laugh or anything in between. Words can be so much more than ink on a page or pixels on a screen. Words can come to life in your mind’s eye and help you see things in ways you might never have seen before. Honestly, I feel like God has given me a gift that allows me to paint pictures using words and I am so thankful for that gift.

The only problem is that sometimes I am verbose, meaning overly wordy, impaired by wordiness. I don’t usually see my wordsmithiness (a word I just made up) as an impairment. However, I got an email forwarded today about me that said:

Why is Renee Bundy writing such long emails? The client said that he spoke with AGS several times and set a date for this Friday 8-12pm. We really need to keep emails clear & productive or we will have no time to sell and thus nothing to deliver ;) Please share?

I’m not going to go into my reasons for why her 2nd sentence is not a complete truth or even justify why it is I send long emails because I could probably go on far longer than I need to. Instead I’m going to focus on the fact that their asking me to write less makes me feel attacked somehow.

Of course, when I feel that way my first instinct is to say: “Oh yeah, that’s what you want… I’ll give you EXACTLY what you’ve asked for – no problem!” Can you hear that sound? It’s me passive-aggressively going to war. See, I’m a ‘letter of the law’ kind of gal – to the extent of viciousness. When I get hit, I hit back. When someone else goes in thinking they’ve won I set out to show them that they haven’t won anything. You want short emails? Well, you can’t get much shorter than one word, right? If I just forward emails that say “Advise.” that should meet their requirements and prove my point. Clearly after some time to think about it they will prefer my way once they realize their way causes them to do more work. War won.

Come on, seriously? That’s what I want to do? I want to waste my time and hold onto that anger and self righteousness? I want to prove a point so badly that I’m willing to become the most ridiculous person on the planet? Why does it matter that everyone agree my way is better? Why do I need them to regret asking me to change my ways to please them? Why do I care so much to begin with? Why do I let this take up my time, effecting my day and robbing me of my peace? What do I need to learn from this, Lord? What do you want to teach me today?

And He says to me (in James 1:19-21 and 3:17-18):

This you know, my beloved (brethren). But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger, for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. Therefore, putting aside all filthiness and all that remains of wickedness, in humility receive the word implanted which is able to save your souls.

But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

I know I shouldn’t get angry and that anger doesn’t achieve God’s righteousness… I know that righteousness is something that those who make peace plant and harvest… but I have a right to be angry. I’m just doing my job. There’s nothing wrong with doing my job well and wanting others to do theirs well. There’s nothing wrong with making them see that they’re wronging me Father.

And He answers me (in Isaiah 51:6-7):
Lift up your eyes to the sky,
Then look to the earth beneath;
For the sky will vanish like smoke,
And the earth will wear out like a garment
And its inhabitants will die in like manner;
But My salvation will be forever
And My righteousness will not wane.
Listen to Me, you who know righteousness,
A people in whose heart is My law:
Do not fear the reproach of man,
Nor be dismayed at their reviling.

How can I help but be dismayed when they revile (assail with contemptuous language, address or speak of abusively) me. You tell me not to be dismayed (broken down in courage, alarmed or perturbed, disquieted greatly in mind or agitated) but how can I not react that way when they’re clearly wrong in how they are treating me?

And He answers me (in Romans 3:9-11):
What then? Are we better than they? Not at all; for we have already charged that both Jews and Greeks are all under sin; as it is written, There is none righteous, not even one!

Yes, we’re all sinners. But I’m not saying I’m better than they are. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with doing exactly as they ask and obeying the “letter of the law” since that’s what they want.

And He responded with (Romans 7:5-6):
For while we were in the flesh, the sinful passions which were aroused by the Law, were at work in the members of our body to bear fruit for death. But now we have been released from the Law, having died to that by which we were bound, so that we serve in newness of the Spirit and not in oldness of the letter.

I know that I’m not bound by “the law” Father. I’m not talking about being free from Your laws. I know that salvation freed me from that… I’m just… I can’t help being agitated and upset by them when they’ve wronged me, Lord. I just want to show them – I want them to regret what they’ve done – I want to pay them back just a little by giving them what they think they want.

And His response (Romans 12:18-19, 21):
If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God for it is written “vengeance is mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

But… it’s hard to just let it go when I’ve been provoked.

And He answers me (in Deuteronomy 9:6-7):
Know, then it is not because of your righteousness that the LORD your God is giving you this good land to possess, for you are a stubborn people. Remember, do not forget how you provoked the LORD your God to wrath in the wilderness; from the day that you left the land of Egypt until you arrived at this place, you have been rebellious against the LORD.

Oh, LORD. Yes. I have been rebellious against You. You forgive me that and more even though You have every right to hold Your wrath around You – keeping Your very presence from me. I’m so thankful that I can come to You, even in my sin, and learn from You. I’m thankful for Your unending patience with me. I’m thankful for the gift of Your Son that allows me to experience a full relationship with You.
Father, Forgive me for not respecting and appreciating that great gift.

I am stubborn Father. I am stubborn and angry and vengeful and I have no right to be. I have no justification on my own outside of Christ. I’m sorry for trying to justify my sin to you. I’m sorry for not just seeing and accepting Your words and putting them into practice in my life. I am sorry for blaming others instead of looking at my own failings. I’d rather have You look at their mistakes instead of pointing out my own. I know that you shine Your light on me to throw into stark contrast those things that are not Christ-like about me – those shadows that my sin likes to hide in.

I pray that you will continue to shine Your light on me, Father, exposing my sins to me. Even though part of the reason I hate to see them is because I secretly love them. Please help me to love nothing more than I love You. Please help me to forgive as I have been forgiven and love as I am loved. Please help me to live a life made up of more than just mere words - help me Father, to live out Your Words.

I ask these things in the precious name of your Son. Amen.

Sorrow vs. Shame

Right now my shepherd group is reading a book called “When people are big and God is small”. I’ve been struggling not to read (too far) ahead so that I’m “fresh” for our group discussions. I say struggling because God has really been speaking to me through the book and I find that I just want to keep reading to see what He will show me. The main focus so far seems to be “the fear of man”, which has me thinking about things more than I normally would. For one thing, it has brought to light my sincere dislike of the word fear. For another, it has prompted me to really think about the differences between “God” and “Man”. I’m not just talking about the big differences like ‘perfect vs. imperfect’ either. I’m wrestling more specifically with how different my own reactions to those differences are. I feel like I need to know why my reactions are different. There are so many thought’s winding through my brain that it seems the act of following one thought to its conclusion is like trying to unravel a tangled piece of string. It feels like the thing God really wants me to grasp is there at the end of untangling all these fleeting thoughts. I know it’s worth it, I just need to work my way through.

So, here I go, just like division in 5th grade math – showing my work to try to find the answer or the mistake:

One of the things I’ve been mulling over is the premise that one of the reasons we are afraid of man is because we are ashamed: ashamed of who we are, or what we do or think, or how we look in regards to other people. We are afraid of being seen and ashamed that we are or we will be judged (fairly or not) by another person and we won’t measure up in their eyes. This idea of fear and being ashamed sort of got stuck in my head. I know fear and shame are both “feelings” and feelings are kind of murky and hard to explain. I mean, what exactly is the definition of fear, of shame? I figured I’d get out a dictionary:

Fear: a) a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. Synonyms: Dismay, dread, terror, fright, panic.
Fear: b) reverential awe, especially toward God. Synonyms: awe, respect, reverence.
Shame: The painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, done by oneself or another.
Ashamed: Feeling shame; distressed or embarrassed by feelings of guilt, foolishness or disgrace.
Disgrace: Put out of grace or favor.

Okay, I’m going to start with ‘fear’ and my dislike of that word. It’s because of definition “a” that I dislike the word. Really? Who wants to feel any of that? That definition of fear is automatically my go to because it defines a feeling I have known my whole life. I’ve felt all those synonyms in different situations. I’ve dreaded going to work because of having to deal with people. I’ve been dismayed by looking at the caller ID and seeing it’s someone I want to avoid. I’ve been panicked because I’m running late and it will upset someone else. I’ve been terrified of being punished for something I did as well as for something I didn’t do.

For a long time I associated that kind of fear with God because I didn’t realize there was another definition for Fear. But looking at it now, I have to agree with the need to ‘fear’ God. I believe God deserves my respect and should be treated with reverence. I should hold Him in awe and look on Him in amazed wonder and not just because He is perfect and almighty and created the universe. He gave up His perfect Son to save imperfect me. He let His son die so that I could live forever. Would I sacrifice myself or someone I loved that way? If that selfless, loving, beautiful act does not deserve my awe, and respect and reverence – I can think of nothing else that would. How strange that two definitions for the same word can have a completely different ‘feeling’.

Which leads me to the feeling of shame. Isn’t it something that both shame and fear use the word pain as a descriptor? I have felt the pain of both fear and shame before, so many times in fact I’d be hard pressed to narrow them down to try to pick the “best” example. I’ve been humiliated and shamed in front of others as well as in private, for things I’ve done and for things done to me. Let me just say I am not a fan of shame in any form, be it public humiliation or private embarrassment. There was not a separate sub-definition that said “regarding God” like there was for fear. So I went looked up ashamed to see if it would have something about God. The phrase ‘feelings of disgrace’ caught my eye so I looked up disgrace and started thinking.

You see, I know without a single doubt that I cannot be put out of God’s Grace. It is a gift God gave to me when I was saved. The moment I admitted my own failings and imperfections and my need for a savior and I accepted that my need had already been met and my sin paid for by the death of Christ on the cross I was forgiven and made a child of God. That unmerited, undeserved favor, love and kindness once given cannot be taken away. As long as I continue to believe in the truth of my salvation it doesn’t matter how many mistakes I make – God will never leave me or forsake me, he will always love me and treat me with kindness even though on my own, I would never deserve it.

So if I know that I cannot be put out of God’s Grace then how can I feel ashamed before Him? Asking myself that question helped me realize that I haven’t. God has never made me feel ashamed. Don’t get me wrong, God has rebuked me and God has called me out for my wrong doings. I have fallen to my knees in His presence and known beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am a sinner and my heart is black and undeserving of His Love, His Grace or His Mercy. But even on my knees, even confessing my sin to Him, He never made me feel ashamed. So since it isn’t shame I feel with God I wanted to figure out what exactly it is I do feel.

The answer is of course another definition or five:

Fear: reverential awe, respect, reverence.
Guilt: the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong. A feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong.
Sorrow: distress caused by loss, affliction, disappointment; grief, sadness, or regret.
Grace: unmerited favor or goodwill. Synonyms: kindness, love, mercy.
Mercy: Compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy or other person in one’s power.

I begin by resting in the fact that He is worthy of my awe and respect and reverence. I come before an awesome God saved but still flawed and in need of forgiveness for my sins so that I can be as close to Him as my heart desires me to be. When I make a mistake, when I sin, it causes a rift in my relationship with God just as it would cause a rift in any relationship. I feel guilt, just like I would if I’d hurt a friend by doing something wrong. If I acknowledge my mistake, if I take responsibility for it, I feel sorrow. I feel distress at the loss of closeness with God, I feel regret for having caused the rift in the relationship, I feel disappointment with myself for making the mistake. I don’t feel self conscious or worry about what God is going to think about me. I don’t feel ridiculous or embarrassed, no it’s not shame I feel it’s sorrow.

But why is there this difference? Why do I feel shame with people and sorrow with God? Is it that I trust God and I don’t trust people? Is it because God is perfect and so is His Grace and His Mercy?

How is it that I unravel the jumbled thoughts in my head thinking that is where God will give me answers and I find more questions?

Proverbs 2:
If you receive my words
and treasure up my commandments with you,
making your ear attentive to wisdom
and inclining your heart to understanding;
yes, if you call out for insight
and raise your voice for understanding,
if you seek it like silver
and search for it as for hidden treasures,
then you will understand the fear of the Lord
and find the knowledge of God.

Guess I need to keep seeking like silver, searching for it as for hidden treasures.

Epic Fail

So… I fell down at the gym yesterday. Can I tell you that has been one of the biggest fears for me this past (almost) 2 years. Falling down in front of people at the gym. And this was a fall that you couldn’t even play off either. Not one of those trip over your feet kinda things, no – I did this one up right.

So Brian, my trainer who I heart, likes to push me out of my comfort zone. He likes to motivate me and get me to do things that give me pause. You know, things that I look at and automatically say “I can’t do that.” So yesterday, totally one of those days. We start out with the things I can do: a circuit of squat presses on the machine, sitting the wall, calf raises – each go round increasing in weight or time or intensity. Hard? Yes. Possible? Absolutely. Do-able? Consider it done!

After three sets have been accomplished we move to our next room where I do some rows on the machine – this is shaping up to be a good strength workout... It’s at this point I turn around and see the next setup. Bosu ball under the pull up bar. Brian looks at me and says “Okay, so we’re gonna do 5 pushups, 5 burpees and then I want you to do 5 of these… let me show you.” He proceeds to jump on the bosu ball using his momentum to elevate him (not that he needs it as he’s super crazy tall) closer to the handle grips on the pull up bar where he then does a leg lift while doing a flexed arm hang from the handle bars.

I stare at him blankly. He smiles. I raise my eyebrow, he smiles wider. “You can do this. You think you can’t, but you can.” I raise my other eyebrow and tilt my head and say “Sure, uh-huh.” He smiles again “Remember, your list – don’t think about how you can’t do something – think about how you can!” Big, deep breath. Stare at bosu ball. Rock on heels. Big deep breath. “Prepare yourself mentally and then attack it Renee. You’ve got this.”

“I’ve got this.” I proceeded to – jump on bosu ball, bounce off bosu ball, reach for hand grips on the pull up bar, fingers brush handle grips on the pull up bar, fingers fail to find purchase on pull up bar handles, fingers flail frantically trying to make the air around the handle bar into something solid that will hold the body up… fingers fail utterly at making gas into solid, down falls fingers, toes, and everything in between… SLAM goes the elbow into the ground, WHUMP goes the tailbone at the same time, Whoosh goes the breath and Clack go the teeth as the jaw clamps shut. All that sound followed by Brian saying “Oh wow, are you okay?”

“Ummmm… ow.” Brian asks again if I’m okay. I look up at him, all the concern in the world on his face and I laugh. He looks even more concerned and asks if I’m hurt. I stand up, checking to make sure nothing’s seriously painful. “Only my pride.” Brian looks at me and says. “You ready to try again?” to which I say, “what, falling? Sure!”. Brian looks at me seriously and says, “You will not fall on the floor again. If you don’t land it, I will catch you.” I look at him and he looks back. I know he’ll throw himself on the floor underneath me and let me fall on him before he’ll let me fall on the concrete again.

“You ready?” he asks.

“Absolutely. I can do this.” Look at bosu ball, look at handle bars, back to bosu ball, back at handle bars – point at handle bars and say “Okay, this time – DON’T MOVE!” Brian chuckles. Jump on bosu ball, bounce of bosu ball, reach for handle grips on the pull up bar, fingers brush handle grips on the pull up bar, HEART POUNDS REALLY FAST, fingers clamp down solidly on handle bars, body swings, leg lifts, hands release, land upon feet not bottom or elbow. HIGH FIVE BRIAN. Do it again 4 more times. Then round 2: 3 push ups, 3 burpees, 3 more of the crazy. At which point Brian says he noticed that when I grip the handle bars I hook my grip instead of wrapping my thumb around, and he asked me to try again. I did and changed the grip. Then because he’s totally a little OCD, he said, oh, we can’t have odd numbers let’s do one more for an even 10. I guess we just don’t count the ones where I fail. I kinda like that math.

All to say that falling on my rearadear helped me realize that for me it’s easier to try again after falling down than it is to try in the first place. I’m not actually afraid of failing – I’m afraid of what other people will think of me when they see me fail. A lot of times fear of embarrassment keeps me from doing or saying the things that I should or that I want to. I focus so much on what other people think and their opinion of me and I don’t even realize that fear of the “what if” is paralyzing me. What if they laugh, what if they make fun of me, what if they hate me, what if they get angry, what if they don’t want to be my friend anymore? So much focus on the possibility of bad things happening that I lose the opportunity for good things.

And the thing is – I was talking to Todd the front desk guy before I left and I asked him if he saw me fall. You know what he said? “Nope, I saw you get back up.” It’s all about focus. Am I focused on the fear of what others think of me when I fail or what good could come out of others seeing me try? I want to be able to be someone who fails without fear of what other people think because God might want someone out there to see me get back up. While I don’t think I’ll ever like being a failure - I pray failing for Christ becomes easier.

HUA - Heard, Understood, Acknowledged

I am not God. I feel like writing that down a thousand times on a chalkboard and maybe then it will sink in. I take on too much – I try too hard to be too many things to too many people. It comes from a good place – well – it STARTS in a good place. I have a desire to share God’s love and the love He has given me for others. The problem is that I also enjoy being needed. And that can be twisted so easily into something unhealthy, hurtful, prideful, sinful…

My current schedule is a blur of color – activities and dates – people and places color coded to show who it is I’m doing things for… If it is my husband it is yellow, if it is for my mom it is pink, if it is for myself it is green, if it is for my body it is red, if it is for church it is blue… And it just struck me as I typed this – why is everything a different color? Shouldn’t everything I do be for God? Shouldn’t I be living my life for Him and not myself? Who am I serving with all this activity?

Galatians 1:10 says:
For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ.

But I am a bond-servant of Christ! Because of His love for me I am saved! Because of His love for me I am forgiven! Because of His love for me I am set free! I am not condemned! God loved me so much that He sent His Son to die in my place. And His Son loved me so much that He DIED for me. A lady in our bible study tonight raised the question “If He was willing to die for me, how can I not be willing to live for Him?” And it got me to thinking, who am I really living for?

Am I living for my family, for my friends? Am I living for their approval? Am I living for their love? That’s not to say that those things don’t mean anything – but that should not be what I’m striving for.

Psalm 46:10 tells me to Cease Striving and KNOW that He is God… what does that look like? What should that look like? I don’t know exactly, but I do know what it doesn’t look like. It doesn’t look like my calendar. It doesn’t look like me taking on everything just because I’m trying to be a people pleaser or earn/keep someone’s love. It doesn’t look like me feeling emotionally exhausted and robbed of peace because I’m worried about what other people think about me when I can or can’t or do or don’t or will or won’t.

And then tonight, while talking to a friend about how I feel guilty for not being able to do more for people and give them more because they need it - I had a moment of clarity. While it is true I’m trying to give the Fruit’s of the spirit in Galatians 5:22-23 (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control) to all my friends if I’m honest with myself – it’s not really always the best fruit – because it’s really not always God centered.

And if I’m standing in the way offering them my inferior “fruit” how will anyone see the perfect fruit that God wants to give them which is discussed in Philippians 1:11 - having been filled with the fruit of righteousness which comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God. God made it completely clear to me tonight that He doesn’t need me to do His work. He needs me to maybe get out of His way. It was a rebuke and it was a little painful to get it, but it’s true. I need to change my focus back to where it should be.

So I’m going to take my schedule and re-dedicate it. I’m re-examining my priorities and I’m not going to worry about how that makes other people feel about me. I am sorry if it changes our friendships or if it upsets anyone that I am less available. My hope is that instead of being upset with me they will seek and find what they are looking for in someone far more able to fill them than I am. I think Paul expresses my prayer far better than I ever could in Ephesians 3:14-21

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever.

Amen.

Amen, indeed!

Saying Goodbye... once more with feeling!

Dear 210’s…
I honestly don’t remember meeting you. Perhaps the ice cream coma I was in blurred our get-together from my mind. Whatever the case may be, I have to admit that I was a little horrified finding you here without my prior knowledge. I mean, I really thought waking up next to someone you don’t recognize only happened to people who completely lost control… In any case, I’m really very glad that you have decided to leave. I’d really appreciate it if you decided not to return.

Sincerely,

Renee


Dear 200’s…

I know we didn’t talk that much – you were only here for about a month before I realized I’d started spending all my time with the 190’s. I’d like to say I’m sorry that we didn’t get to spend more time together, but I have a feeling we’d both know it was a lie. After all, I’m pretty sure I spent at least a year with you before the 210’s made that little visit that freaked me out. I really do wish you the best with whoever you move on with. I just know that it won’t be me.

All the best!

Renee


Dear 190’s…

I feel that I need to apologize to you. I know I really made you think I wanted to be with you and I did! When we first met I was so excited to tell people about you… I mean we were together and I was beyond thrilled! By our first month anniversary our relationship had started to lose its appeal. I found myself wondering how long we would need to be together. I felt smothered by how you just always wanted to be with me. We had some good times, but I think we were meant to just be friends. I hope that you find someone better suited to you… perhaps a man? Only a suggestion!

Affectionately,

Renee


Dear 180’s…

We began our flirtation in June. Something about you just made me smile. Perhaps it was the way I felt with you while I was wearing that denim dress. I don’t know. But I do know that during our flirtation, I became attracted to the 170’s and I just didn’t know how to tell you. I know that we weren’t committed to each other, still, I felt ashamed. But the heart wants what the heart wants. And my heart wanted better blood flow that could only be found with the 170’s. I’m hopeful that you will understand my desire to end things before anyone gets hurt. You really are great, and I know that there’s someone out there that is perfect for you – she’s just not me.

Fondly,

Renee


Dear 170’s…

We’ve been seeing each other since sometime in July, but I really feel like I need to break it off. It’s not that you weren’t fun – you were! I had a great summer with you. The thing is though, I got caught cheating on you and I wanted to tell you before someone else did. I was at the doctors and the 160’s were there and well… the nurse walked in and saw everything – and since the nurse knows you – well, I’ve been feeling guilty for a while now. I’ve always been attracted to the 160’s but that’s no excuse for stringing you along like this. I don’t want to keep living a lie until day I have to formally announce that you and I aren’t together anymore. I’d really just like for us to part as friends but I completely understand if that can’t happen. So, if we never meet again – you take care of yourself.

Best Wishes,

Renee


Dear 160’s…

I’ve been looking back on letters from the last 6 months and I’ve realized something. While I like you, and I’m happy to spend time with you and get to know you… I’m really not in the position to be in a long term relationship with you or anyone else right now. I’m just trying to figure out what I want. Right now you feel great, but I admit, I’ve been imagining what it might be like to be with the 150’s or 140’s… Sometimes, I catch myself day dreaming about the 130’s and once even the 120’s… I don’t want to hurt you. I hope we can have fun for as long as it lasts – keep things casual. Still, I need you to know that when we part that will be the end of our relationship. Forever. Although, I am happy to introduce you to a couple of tall gals I know that have been daydreaming about you!

TTYL!

Renee

Dear 150’s…

I’m sorry this note is getting to you so late. I owed you better than that. After all, we had fun from November until… huh… I can’t recall exactly when we parted ways. To be fair, the holiday’s were a blur. Still, I remember being with you as I indulged a bit at Thanksgiving and Christmas. You were so understanding about my need to enjoy the pumpkin pie. (Maybe a little too understanding.) Anyway, next thing I know I’m out with friends on New Year’s Eve and I can’t remember you being there. I had a couple drinks, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t start dating the 140’s that night. Still, stranger things have happened – I mean, you remember my story about the 210’s right? Regardless, I wanted to tell you how grateful I was for our time together. It brought me new clothes that fit and a boost in my confidence as I made it through the holidays with you instead of going back to the 160’s. I mean, after I told him we were through “FOREVAH”, I really would have been embarrassed to go crawling back to him, eating my words like so much pumpkin pie. Mmmmm….pie! So, really, thanks for sticking with me through the holidays. I hope you find someone else that will be happy sticking with you the whole year through.

Thanks Again!

Renee

Dear 140’s…

I know technically everyone thinks we’re still together since I haven’t “officially” moved on to the 130’s. But we both know I moved on weeks ago and I’m just waiting for the right time to make the announcement. I know I was a little cranky that you were still around when I weighed in for February… and I’m sorry for that reaction. It’s just that I was so close to that 7o pound total loss and I blamed you for standing in my way. When really, I should have been thanking you for so many things. Like letting me realize I could make it through my first plateau without giving up or hating myself. Or, showing me that I could take a Body Combat class with you and NOT die. Or, better yet, helping me realize that I enjoy “exercise”. More than that though, thank you for reminding me that while I felt good being with you – better than I ever have in my adult life – we were never meant to be together long term. In fact, knowing that we aren’t MFEO is the only reason I’m leaving you behind because honestly, it’s been great!

Lots of Love,

Renee


Dear 130’s…

I know we’ve been keeping our relationship on the DL. I mean, I haven’t even logged you into My Food Diary yet because we haven’t made thing’s “Official”. I’ve been secretly stepping on the scale in the mornings just to see you – and I don’t want to wait until next week’s official weigh in to stop pretending that we’re not in this together. I mean, just this morning you told me that I’m at a healthy BMI for the first time in my adult life! Do you know what a gift that is to me? It’s priceless! Thank you for letting me meet the technically “healthy me”. While I know you and I are destined to part ways, I will keep “healthy me” forever! We probably only have a month or two left together – depending on how the last 10/12 pounds go but I know you’re fine with that and I am too. I just wanted to take this time to let you know that I appreciate everything you’ve shown me and given me to take along even after you’re gone.

With Sincerest Gratitude,

Renee

Dear 120’s…

I am coming for you. You are my goal and I WILL reach you. And when I do I plan to “hug you and squeeze you and love you forever and ever.” I know I’ve been very fickle this past year with all the other weights, and it might lead you to believe I’m not sincere in my desire to stay with you. But I really don’t see any need to look for anyone else once we get together. I mean, I’ve been with the 210’s, the 200’s, the 190’s, the 180’s, the 170’s, the 160’s, the 150’s and the 140’s and they didn’t have what I wanted. I’m currently with the 130’s and while I enjoy being here, I know that they aren’t a perfect fit. And honestly, the 110’s sound a little scary to me. Besides, you’re the one the doctor’s say I’d be a fool not to stick with… and I really think they’re right. I hope this doesn’t scare you off… but I can’t wait to start our life together! (New clothes and all)

(im)patiently waiting,

Renee


P.S. I’m really serious about us being in a committed relationship and I want to reassure you that once we get together, I will not cheat on you… Unless I get pregnant. And then, well, all bets are off – although “technically” it would be my child that’s cheating on you. Still, if that happens, I promise that I will come back to you as SOON as I can. You can count on me!

Personal Trainer?

On the retreat this weekend I was sitting at Table 13 for dinner Saturday night. I chose Table 13, not because I knew anyone at it, but because I've always liked the number 13. Anyway, I sat down to dinner with only one other woman and we chatted. Other people joined us. I overheard one woman expressing her dissatisfaction at being unable to lose the "belly after baby" and was wondering what she could do. Of course, I chimed in (without being asked) and said:

You do know you can't target one specific part of your body to lose weight in, right? There's no magic exercise that will work - in fact you can do crunches for the rest of your life and have nothing change. What you need to do is add weight resistance training and build muscle so that you can increase your metabolism and lose weight everywhere.

To which she replied:

Are you a trainer?

The fact that looking at me she thought I could be a personal trainer... MADE MY DAY! Once I explained that I'd lost 69 pounds in the past year and worked with a personal trainer that entire time they spent the rest of the meal asking me questions. Having knowledge to help people and being able to give it - AWESOME!

Anyway, back home at the gym working with Cruise Director Wendy this past Wednesday I shared the story. She asked if I had ever thought of becoming a personal trainer myself... I shrugged it off - since I believe at the time I was focusing on not dropping the "air rope".

Well, this morning Trainer Matt was back and he said:

I hear Wendy put a bug in your ear. So, do you think you'd be interested in becoming a personal trainer? I think you'd have a good perspective to give to clients... I mean, you'd be able to relate to them in a way that I can't. You know how hard it is to change your life because you've done it.

I didn't know what to say. He told me I should think about it. Just then, Cruise Director Wendy walked by with her victim... I mean "client", Ruth who said "There's my weight loss inspiration... Hi Renee!" Matt just looked at me... as if to say "SEE - I TOLD YOU!"

Still, I don't know. It's definitely something to think about...

Climbing the wall...

So on the women’s retreat I went to this past weekend we got FREE TIME! How nice is that? Well during my free time I decided I was going to *try* to climb the rock wall. Crazy idea to begin with, since I’m afraid of heights… but I decided it would be a good test. I mean, 70 pounds ago I physically could NOT have done it, and I wanted to see now that my weight was no longer a valid excuse if I could. I wasn’t sure I’d make it higher than 2 feet because my arms aren’t really strong. Still I figured it wouldn’t hurt to try.

They put me in the harness, and I heard my inner voice saying “You have to wear this harness so that if you fall off the wall you won’t die a horrible painful death from that 30 foot fall… and it’s not a guarantee… are you sure you want to do this?” Mentally shaking these thoughts from my head, I took off my jacket and got in line. I told the guy with the rope I had never done this before and wasn’t sure if I could really do it… he clipped me to said rope with a twinkle in his eye and pointed to the ‘easy’ wall in front of him. “Don’t pay attention to the colored tape,” he says. “Just do what you can.”

So, I go to the wall and I start to climb. And then, I get stuck like 2 feet from the bottom. My first instinct is to give up… because, well, that would be the easiest thing to do. Instead, I hear myself say out loud “I’m stuck! What do I do!? Help!” And I hear a voice call out instructions and without thinking I do what the voice says and I go up a little higher. And then I see another handhold and I take it and a foothold and I take that and I go higher still. And then, I get stuck again. I feel like I should be able to see the next step to take, I mean it’s right there in front of me… but I just can’t.

This time I don’t even pause I call out again for help. I hear a voice call out and I make a try to do what it says, but I’m higher now and unsure… I can’t do it. But I am not ready to give up yet! I ask for another suggestion and this time I hear my friend Maggie call out “Put your left foot on the rock that looks like the moon and push yourself up and grab the red triangle rock with your right hand.” This voice I know. This voice I trust. For a brief second I think – “Wow, that moon rock is high, can I even get my foot up there?” But my body moves on its own accord because my brain negated the question - Maggie would never tell me to do anything I couldn’t do, so of course I can do it! As my hand grasps the red triangle rock I realize I have a cheering section below me now. I can hear them rooting me onward and upward as Maggie plots a course for me to follow.

Then I get to a foot or two from the top, and not even Maggie can get me to move. My hands begin to sweat and I can feel my grip slipping. My right leg begins to shake uncontrollably. I am terrified. I want to finish. That orange x is so close and yet it’s worlds away. I can’t do it. I hear myself saying it over and over. Whether out loud or silently, I don’t know. I hear people calling out encouragements and suggestions. I try to follow them and reach for rocks above me but terrified all I can do is cling to right where I’m at. I still hear people saying things but I can no longer hear them over my own heartbeat. Finally, the sentence that has been repeated penetrates the fog of fear that has a hold of my brain. “Renee, just grab the rope! Let go and grab the rope!” There is a split second of complete terror as for a moment I let go and the only thing holding me is a rope and a man at the other end that I don’t know from Adam. “Please God, don’t let me fall!” My feet touch the wall… and I begin to rappel down it, feeling exhilaration as each bounce of my feet pushes me from the wall, helping me make a slow and steady decent.

I get to the bottom and I look back up. Wow… that was high! I am shaking like a leaf. Women that I have only seen in passing at church have surrounded me and are hugging me, congratulating me – celebrating a moment of personal victory with me. Asking me if I’m going back up… HA! “Next year,” I reply. And I mean it. Next year I will do this again. Next year, I will touch the orange X. Next year, I will reach the top!

It would be really easy to just say: “Dude, I climbed a rock wall!” and leave it at that. I mean, that’s a personal feat of accomplishment, that’s a really big deal… But I’d be remiss if I didn’t share with you what I gained that made it so much more than that.

I didn’t give up on myself even when it was the easy thing to do. I moved past what I thought I could because I put more faith in Trust than in Fear. When I reached the end of my own strength – I grabbed the rope and let go.

Right is not always easy. Sometimes you have to go through the hard things so that you can become stronger. Sometimes you doubt yourself, sometimes you are afraid… but God reminded me that He is my Rock and my Fortress and my Deliverer. When life gets hard I naturally become afraid and worry about what to do next. I stubbornly cling to the things of this world when I fear they will be torn from me, unable and unwilling to let go of whatever I’m stuck on… terrified to fall back and hold ONLY the rope of my Faith, my belief that The Lord is the one who goes ahead of me, He will be with me, He will not fail me or forsake me so I should not fear or be dismayed (Deuteronomy 31:8).

This rock climb reminded me that I can’t see the path I need to take because I’m too close to it. There really was only enough light for the step I was on… and the only way I can move forward is if I trust the One who is guiding my step because He will never ask me to do something I cannot do. I need to rest in the knowledge that God knows what I can do because He made me who I am, knitting me in my mother’s womb. But more than that, I was reminded that no matter what, there will always be fear in my life, and even though I will fail, He will not. I can cling to Him in my fear and He will not let me fall from His hands. He is the ultimate Belay. (Belay – noun – describing an object sturdy enough for a running rope to be passed around it to secure a hold.)

So I ask you, who or what is your Belay? What do you cling to? Where have you anchored the rope of your life? Can you rest securely in the knowledge that your Belay will not crumble, will not move, will not waver, will not change or are you clinging to an object, a person, a thing that you fear could let you fall? It is my prayer that you will find a Belay that is and was and will always be sturdy enough for you to secure your life to and trust that it will always hold.