How do I explain my feelings right now? Even if I try, it probably won’t make any sense. But I sit here with a picture taken yesterday and have to decide if it’s “okay” for me to share it. It’s not like it’s anything risqué or something I would have been shamed to have someone see. It’s just me hugging the man I share DNA with, who my entire speaking life I have called “Daddy”.

The thing is, it feels like a betrayal of my Dad’s memory. I know logically it isn't a betrayal. It doesn't mean I love or miss my Dad any less. He never wanted or asked me to not have a relationship with the man who sired me. So, I shouldn't feel guilty for going to see him to tell him I am moving away... but somehow I do. And the visit brought out so much emotion and I’m not quite sure where to put it all, so I’ve decided to put it here.

I miss my Dad. I miss that we saw each other’s flaws, and loved each other anyway. I miss that he expected more from me than I often expected from myself. He came out to support my interests even when they were not his. He was there for birthdays, and graduations, and on my wedding day he walked me down the aisle. He taught me to drive, he taught me to be responsible, he taught me to be generous, he taught me to be forgiving. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if he hadn’t been there every day of my life for almost 25 years.

By missing my Dad and everything I had with him, I realized how much I miss the relationship I never had with the man who looks at me and still sees his baby girl. He wasn’t there for many birthdays. He wasn’t there for graduations. We never talked about what he expected from me or what he thought was important in life. I never got to know him as a person or an adult. I didn’t invite him to my wedding because I didn’t know how to do that without hurting him or hurting my Dad or hurting myself. And here I sit again, feeling fairly similar to then. Only now, one of them is getting older and one of them is gone forever and I hurt either way.

In a perfect world I wouldn't have to miss or choose. But this world is broken and so am I and so is everyone else. Instead of sitting here crying over relationships that weren’t or aren’t or are no more… I will try to find comfort in the relationships I do have. Like the one I have with my perfect heavenly Father. The One who gave me a Dad and a Daddy. The One who’s sovereignty guides my life. And I know that all this He will use for His glory and my good – even if I can’t see it right this second.

So, I will put up the picture that was taken yesterday. Even though I can’t reconcile my feelings right now – I know God is doing a work in my heart and I should share it.

Me and Daddy - Up Home.

My Dad and a Hookah Bar...

My Dad was a lot of things.

He was a son. He was a husband. He was a father. He was a disciplinarian. He was a provider. He was a boss. He was an employee. He was a world traveler – maybe even a spy. That’s a lot of things to be, especially at one time. Many of those titles he carried caused him stress. Especially the ‘father’ one.

I know I caused more grey hairs than I should have. Dad and I had a tumultuous relationship, to say the least. We butted heads more times than I can count. It took me a long time to see him as more than the interloper who took my mom’s attention away, and even longer to see him as more than just my disciplinarian. It took me longer still to see him as a Father who loved me and was just doing what he thought was right, the best way he knew how.

One of the things that helped me see my dad in a new light was the letter he sent to me when I was away at a Christian retreat. I thank God for the blessing that letter has brought to me. It is a treasured possession. When I read it I can hear his voice now that he is gone. Having a father share in his own words about his feelings and his reasons for living his life the way he did, is not something every child gets. I am grateful for the gift of it.

One of the other things that helped me to see my dad differently was a trip several years ago to a hookah bar.

After having a less than ideal dinner celebration for mom’s birthday at the Cheesecake Factory, we were getting ready to head home when I commented on a conversation I overheard in the ladies room. Upon expressing my ignorance over not knowing what in the world a hookah bar was, my Dad decided an education was in order. After an incredulous “You don’t know what a hookah bar is!?” he made a (possibly illegal) U-Turn and drove us to Sahara, in Sterling.

This is where I saw something akin to the rarity of an actual bigfoot sighting. I saw my Dad relax. I saw his barriers sort of melt away. His posture changed, his attitude changed, everything changed as soon as the hookah was put in front of him. Yes my dad took charge of the evening and our experience, but more like an excited kid wanting to share something enjoyed than a know-it-all trying to show off to the uneducated. He taught me a lot that night. He showed me that hot tea is better with some fresh mint in it and that a restaurant can be a home away from home. We had a wonderful time and I got to see what my dad was like as just a man instead of a father, a disciplinarian, a provider, a boss…

My Dad died a year ago tomorrow. Surprisingly, I’ve found I miss all the things that annoyed me when he was alive. All those times I would sigh and shake my head and say “oh, Dad!”. Even the things that irritated me… what I wouldn’t give to butt heads with him one more time! But over this past year, when I’ve missed him the most – when I’ve wanted to feel close to him in some way – I’ve gone back to the hookah bar. I can’t help but think the man I saw that night is who he would want me to remember. And I’m not the only person that remembers him when I go there.

You see, Dad apparently spent more time at Sahara than anyone knew. So much time that he had his own waiter. When I went there for the first time a few months after his death I took his picture with me. As we went to leave I felt compelled to tell the people there that he wouldn’t be coming back anymore. When I shared the picture with the woman who had served us (one of the owners) she recognized Dad immediately. She commented on how funny and wonderful he had always been and quickly called out to one of the other workers to go get Sameer. When Sameer came and I told him that Dad had died, he cried. He asked if he could keep the picture because Dad had been his friend. A year later, Sameer has his own hookah bar and remembers my father who was his friend. He is my friend now too. Every time I see Sameer, I am reminded that we share a picture of my Dad as a person not a lot of people got to see.

I miss my Dad a lot. I wish I had the chance to get to know him better as a person instead of all those other titles he carried that weighed him down so much. I love you, Dad. I’ll see you and Sameer tomorrow.

Preparing for the Day:

In Mark 1:37 it talks about how Everyone is looking for Jesus. Granted, a few verses before this (21-34) He’s teaching in the synagogue as if he was the author of what he’s teaching (with authority) and he’s healed a bunch of people and cast out demons. I would imagine those things not only drew attention to Him, but maybe made people want a lot more from him. Of course, maybe not everyone wanted something from him, but it does say that everyone was looking for him. Which made me wonder if anyone else was trying to use that situation to their advantage.

Immediately I thought about Satan’s direct temptation of Christ in the wilderness (Mark 1:13). Now, after 40 days of tempting doesn’t work, would Satan just give up? I don’t think he works that way. I think if a direct approach doesn’t work, he tries an indirect one instead. For example – using other people. It works on me all the time. Too much attention and praise – I fall to pride. The demand of other people and their needs – I fall to impatience and unrighteous anger. And I know I’m not the only one that falls short when other people enter the equation. I mean, his reaction to people’s complaints is what kept Moses from stepping foot into the promised land. So I tried to put myself in the metaphorical shoes of The Great Tempter. I thought, if one moment of temper ‘caused’ by a bunch of sinners was good enough to trip up Moses, just maybe it could work on Christ.

But see, Christ isn’t just any man. For one thing, he’s omniscient – so he knows what’s going to happen. And because he knows what’s going to happen, he can prepare. Which made me wonder about how he prepared to deal with all these people who were looking for him, who wanted a piece of him and who satan could potentially use to try and cause him to fail. How did he prepare for his day and what can I learn from it?

Well, in Mark 1:35 it says that He went early in the morning, before it was even light outside, away from the house (where people were) to a secluded (quiet and private) place to pray to God. He began his day asking God what He wanted before any imperfect person had a chance to ask him anything else. He consulted with His Father and listened to Him speak. And I can too. I have the capability to get my behind up out of bed early enough to go to a quiet place and talk to my Heavenly Father. I have the opportunity to listen to God’s direction for me each morning before all the clamor and noise intrudes from my daily routine. I have the gift of spending time with God every morning because he loves me and what do I do?

Well, this morning I hit the snooze button. Effectively, this is the conversation that could have happened:
God: (by way of my alarm clock buzzing) Good morning! Rise and shine! Let’s spend some time together!
Me: (by hitting the snooze button the first time) Ummm, no thanks. I think I just want to sleep a little longer. I’m kind of tired.
God: (by buzzing again) How about now, daughter? You ready to hear about what great things I have planned for you today?
Me: (hitting the buzzer again) Aaaaaahhhhhhhh, not really. I think I’d rather just get a LITTLE more sleep.
God: (not going off again till I HAD to get up) Okay. If that’s what you really want.

Granted, in the moment, that bed sure was comfy, but looking back on the day I’ve had today… I was extremely short tempered and cranky all day long. It’s no one’s fault but my own. God gave me so many opportunities to talk to Him in the still, in the quiet, so that I could prepare. But I turned him down. And who wins when that happens? Definitely not me.

A Just Balance and Scales BELONG to the LORD...

Proverbs 16:11 says: A just balance and scales belong to the LORD; All the weights of the bag are His concern.


Just giving it a cursory reading it says to me: Renee, justice belongs to God, and the fairness/unfairness are his concern, not yours. Which seems like it’s telling me to quit complaining about life not being fair because it’s not my concern, it’s Gods.

But is there something more to this verse that my superficial reading is missing?

Shall we get out the dictionary and break it down?

First up: A just balance and scales belong to the LORD.
Just is a synonym for Fair.
Balance and scales are the things that items are measured with.
Belong can mean that something is the property of someone or something else – the just and balanced scales are the property of God.

BUT:

Belong can also mean to be an attribute, part or function of a person or thing – the just and balanced scales are an attribute of God, part of who He is.

Instead of telling me simply that Justice belongs to God (which is true) it could also be telling me that Part of God’s very nature is being fair and just.

Next up: All the weights of the bag are His concern.
All the weights of the bag refers to the standard used to measure. There should be one weight but sometimes people would use differing weights in their bag to cheat others.
Concern can be defined as ‘being the business of’ again, making my original understanding that the weights of the bag are his business, not mine accurate.
BUT:

Concern can also mean ‘to care’. Meaning that He cares about all the weights of the bags and in turn their fairness/unfairness.

Now we have two sort of different views on this verse:

Renee, justice belongs to God and the fairness/unfairness is his business not yours.
and
Renee, God’s very nature is being fair and just; which is why he cares about the fairness of the weights of the bag.

Both things are necessary for me to hear.

Knowing that by His own nature God is Fair and Just and that He cares about the weights of the bag (fairness in measure) helps me. Focusing on His desire for justice and fairness helps release some of my own desire to be in charge of the scales which belong to Him. It helps me to see that it’s okay for me to give up my desire to exact my own payment and compensation when I believe the weight’s in the bag are deceptive and false because I know God, who does everything perfectly, will mete out justice perfectly as well.

No, things will not be perfect here on earth. Yes I will have to deal with life not being fair. I will constantly long for fairness and justice – which is right and good. However, I can be freed from the burden of holding onto bitterness and a desire to retaliate against the injustice and unfairness I have and will face here on earth. How? By realizing that one day all of that will be taken care of by someone with far more power than I will ever have. I can let go and instead of worrying with justice I can concern myself with trying harder to show God’s Love and Mercy – which I am so thankful I receive in abundance every day.

If Glory means Weight

This morning I learned that another word for Glory was weight. That information has sort of been niggling in my brain all day, hence the post.  Let me forewarn you - it is going to be pretty stream of conciousness - so please forgive me.  It's not going to be the prettiest of posts but it's how my mind was working today and I wanted to get it down before it escaped me. 

If Glory means weight, what does that change?

      Weight is (usually) something that can be measured.

What do we use to measure weight?

     A scale.

When I think of a scale what image comes to mind?

With that type of scale, there are two places for the weights to sit… why?
    Because you are measuring one thing against another.



A definition for weight can be the relative (measure of) importance or authority accorded something/someone or the measurable influence it has on other’s.

Based on that definition, what is it that I’m trying to weigh?
     God’s importance/authority/influence

And what am I weighing against God’s Glory?

     Everything I give importance/authority/influence to.

Why should I weigh everything against God?

     How else can I see the truth of what really is getting the “glory” in my eyes?

What does that change?
    Like the “scales of justice” I am too often blind. Not only are the weight’s of my scale imbalanced, they’re imbalanced because of false weights! Instead of giving the Glory to God’s side of the scales, I give importance to the world, to other people, to other things.

 

1 Peter 4:11

Whoever speaks, is to do so as one who is speaking the utterances of God; whoever serves is to do so as one who is serving by the strength which God supplies; so that in ALL things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.

Broken Girl

Just heard this song today and it really touched my heart and I wanted to share it.  Not everyone has this specific issue in their life, but I feel like a lot of us living in this broken world might identify with the "broken girl" in this song. 

Broken Girl Video

If Anger was Coffee…

So today I was talking to a wise woman about anger. Specifically my anger. She asked me if she had told me about the story about the cup and when I admitted that she hadn’t, she smiled. She picked up her cup of Starbucks and held it in her hand and asked me:

“If I took the lid off this cup, held it in one hand and hit it as hard as I could with the other hand, what would happen?”

“Well,” I said, “It would spill out.”
“What would spill out?” She prompted.
“The coffee…” I said, more confused than when this conversation began.

She smiled a bit more. “Yes! And if I went to the kitchen and emptied the cup and filled it with water and came back, held it in one hand and hit it as hard as I could with the other, what would happen?”

Suddenly, as if a switch had been flipped, I got it “Water would spill out!”

In that moment a very vivid picture sprang to mind of me being a cup, full up to the top with coffee (in my mind a dirty combination of sin mixed with good intentions – sort of a liquid version of filthy rags if you will). When I get hit obviously something is bound to come out of me – it’s only natural. Now the person doing the hitting might be the ‘cause’ of the splash, but they don’t determine what that splash is made of – I do. See, whatever is inside of me is what comes out. I can either be full of coffee or I can be full something else - like water, that doesn’t leave a huge stain when it ends up all over the floor.

It wasn’t until later when I was mulling this over that I something occurred to me. I was thinking about wanting to be a cup full of water – how appealing that thought was, when suddenly it dawned on me that I am full of water - Living Water.

John 7:37-38

On the last day of the feast, the great day, Jesus stood up and cried out, “If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water’”

As a believer of Christ I have the ability to allow living water flow out of my heart. I have the ability to be a water glass and not a coffee cup. In fact, wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could be a water pitcher and let that beautiful living water just spill everywhere I go? But, let’s face it – instead of being a pitcher or even a water glass, I’m a coffee cup – some days I rinse myself out and try to be a water glass. Other days, I get knocked over and realize I didn’t rinse as well as I thought because when I look down there’s coffee all over the floor again.

Still, because of Christ, I know that I have the power to decide if that coffee spilling out is going to be a lot or if I’m going to grab my cup and put a God size lid on it before I make a big ole mess. It’s definitely something to work on, and towards. Just the thought of tackling such a big job has left me thirsty. Better go grab some water.

Definitive

Whenever anyone has tried to teach me something, it never fails that they will give me the rundown of the rules and regulations and finish by saying “Now, be careful, there is always an exception to the rule” For that very reason, I have been encouraged to avoid definitive’s like ‘always’ or ‘never’. I mean, it can’t always be one way if there is sometimes an exception. No one wants to look foolish by making a promise and then being unable to keep it.

I get that. Since I’m not perfect I can’t guarantee anything I do or say won’t have an exception. I might want to say NEVER or ALWAYS with complete sincerity. That doesn’t mean I have the power to follow through on it. I mean, I can say I will never leave someone and then have something out of my control tear me away from them. I can say I will always be on time but have something out of my control make me late. My point being, I can only strive for Never and Always – I can’t promise it.

Which got me to thinking about how hard it is to trust in other people’s promises. Knowing that I’m not perfect and even the best of my intentions doesn’t mean I can successfully follow through – how can I possibly trust anyone else’s never or always? Well, I can’t. If I do, I’ll get hurt when they don’t follow through. Does that mean I shouldn’t believe the best in people? No. It means that I should be honest about their abilities so that when they do break that definitive, that absolute – I can remember that it isn’t their fault. I can remember to cut them some slack. I can remember to forgive them for being imperfect.

Perhaps the reminder of imperfection was what I needed to bring me back to the fact that there is someone who can declare those definitive’s. God. He alone has the power to follow through on every promise, every declaration. Sometimes though it’s very much a head knowledge and not a heart knowledge.

This morning as I was driving into work the word Grace came to mind. But when it did, it came to mind in all capital letters going down a page – waiting for me to come up with words for each letter. This is what I came up with:

God’s
Redemption
Always
Covers
Everything

It’s a really simple idea, really. So simple that when I say it out loud my brain automatically says “duh, you know that!”

But if I know that, why is it that sometimes I forget? Why is it that when I do something wrong I forget that God’s redemption is big enough to cover everything, even the thing I think is so big it can’t. Why do I forget sometimes that there is never a time when God won’t love me because I’m always covered by His redemption of me?

Maybe it’s because I make my God smaller than He is, less than He is and more like the people in my life who are imperfect. I forget how Amazing and Awesome and Perfect in Power He is. I forget that because I’ve been redeemed He doesn’t see all the ugly imperfect things in my life as my definitive. I forget that his GRACE, the very embodiment of His love – covers a multitude of sins. Including the fact that I forget.

Words

I like words. Long words, short words, nouns, adjectives, superlatives – really, I like them all. They can be used in so many ways. They can tell you fact or fiction. They can make you cry or laugh or anything in between. Words can be so much more than ink on a page or pixels on a screen. Words can come to life in your mind’s eye and help you see things in ways you might never have seen before. Honestly, I feel like God has given me a gift that allows me to paint pictures using words and I am so thankful for that gift.

The only problem is that sometimes I am verbose, meaning overly wordy, impaired by wordiness. I don’t usually see my wordsmithiness (a word I just made up) as an impairment. However, I got an email forwarded today about me that said:

Why is Renee Bundy writing such long emails? The client said that he spoke with AGS several times and set a date for this Friday 8-12pm. We really need to keep emails clear & productive or we will have no time to sell and thus nothing to deliver ;) Please share?

I’m not going to go into my reasons for why her 2nd sentence is not a complete truth or even justify why it is I send long emails because I could probably go on far longer than I need to. Instead I’m going to focus on the fact that their asking me to write less makes me feel attacked somehow.

Of course, when I feel that way my first instinct is to say: “Oh yeah, that’s what you want… I’ll give you EXACTLY what you’ve asked for – no problem!” Can you hear that sound? It’s me passive-aggressively going to war. See, I’m a ‘letter of the law’ kind of gal – to the extent of viciousness. When I get hit, I hit back. When someone else goes in thinking they’ve won I set out to show them that they haven’t won anything. You want short emails? Well, you can’t get much shorter than one word, right? If I just forward emails that say “Advise.” that should meet their requirements and prove my point. Clearly after some time to think about it they will prefer my way once they realize their way causes them to do more work. War won.

Come on, seriously? That’s what I want to do? I want to waste my time and hold onto that anger and self righteousness? I want to prove a point so badly that I’m willing to become the most ridiculous person on the planet? Why does it matter that everyone agree my way is better? Why do I need them to regret asking me to change my ways to please them? Why do I care so much to begin with? Why do I let this take up my time, effecting my day and robbing me of my peace? What do I need to learn from this, Lord? What do you want to teach me today?

And He says to me (in James 1:19-21 and 3:17-18):

This you know, my beloved (brethren). But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger, for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. Therefore, putting aside all filthiness and all that remains of wickedness, in humility receive the word implanted which is able to save your souls.

But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

I know I shouldn’t get angry and that anger doesn’t achieve God’s righteousness… I know that righteousness is something that those who make peace plant and harvest… but I have a right to be angry. I’m just doing my job. There’s nothing wrong with doing my job well and wanting others to do theirs well. There’s nothing wrong with making them see that they’re wronging me Father.

And He answers me (in Isaiah 51:6-7):
Lift up your eyes to the sky,
Then look to the earth beneath;
For the sky will vanish like smoke,
And the earth will wear out like a garment
And its inhabitants will die in like manner;
But My salvation will be forever
And My righteousness will not wane.
Listen to Me, you who know righteousness,
A people in whose heart is My law:
Do not fear the reproach of man,
Nor be dismayed at their reviling.

How can I help but be dismayed when they revile (assail with contemptuous language, address or speak of abusively) me. You tell me not to be dismayed (broken down in courage, alarmed or perturbed, disquieted greatly in mind or agitated) but how can I not react that way when they’re clearly wrong in how they are treating me?

And He answers me (in Romans 3:9-11):
What then? Are we better than they? Not at all; for we have already charged that both Jews and Greeks are all under sin; as it is written, There is none righteous, not even one!

Yes, we’re all sinners. But I’m not saying I’m better than they are. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with doing exactly as they ask and obeying the “letter of the law” since that’s what they want.

And He responded with (Romans 7:5-6):
For while we were in the flesh, the sinful passions which were aroused by the Law, were at work in the members of our body to bear fruit for death. But now we have been released from the Law, having died to that by which we were bound, so that we serve in newness of the Spirit and not in oldness of the letter.

I know that I’m not bound by “the law” Father. I’m not talking about being free from Your laws. I know that salvation freed me from that… I’m just… I can’t help being agitated and upset by them when they’ve wronged me, Lord. I just want to show them – I want them to regret what they’ve done – I want to pay them back just a little by giving them what they think they want.

And His response (Romans 12:18-19, 21):
If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God for it is written “vengeance is mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

But… it’s hard to just let it go when I’ve been provoked.

And He answers me (in Deuteronomy 9:6-7):
Know, then it is not because of your righteousness that the LORD your God is giving you this good land to possess, for you are a stubborn people. Remember, do not forget how you provoked the LORD your God to wrath in the wilderness; from the day that you left the land of Egypt until you arrived at this place, you have been rebellious against the LORD.

Oh, LORD. Yes. I have been rebellious against You. You forgive me that and more even though You have every right to hold Your wrath around You – keeping Your very presence from me. I’m so thankful that I can come to You, even in my sin, and learn from You. I’m thankful for Your unending patience with me. I’m thankful for the gift of Your Son that allows me to experience a full relationship with You.
Father, Forgive me for not respecting and appreciating that great gift.

I am stubborn Father. I am stubborn and angry and vengeful and I have no right to be. I have no justification on my own outside of Christ. I’m sorry for trying to justify my sin to you. I’m sorry for not just seeing and accepting Your words and putting them into practice in my life. I am sorry for blaming others instead of looking at my own failings. I’d rather have You look at their mistakes instead of pointing out my own. I know that you shine Your light on me to throw into stark contrast those things that are not Christ-like about me – those shadows that my sin likes to hide in.

I pray that you will continue to shine Your light on me, Father, exposing my sins to me. Even though part of the reason I hate to see them is because I secretly love them. Please help me to love nothing more than I love You. Please help me to forgive as I have been forgiven and love as I am loved. Please help me to live a life made up of more than just mere words - help me Father, to live out Your Words.

I ask these things in the precious name of your Son. Amen.

Sorrow vs. Shame

Right now my shepherd group is reading a book called “When people are big and God is small”. I’ve been struggling not to read (too far) ahead so that I’m “fresh” for our group discussions. I say struggling because God has really been speaking to me through the book and I find that I just want to keep reading to see what He will show me. The main focus so far seems to be “the fear of man”, which has me thinking about things more than I normally would. For one thing, it has brought to light my sincere dislike of the word fear. For another, it has prompted me to really think about the differences between “God” and “Man”. I’m not just talking about the big differences like ‘perfect vs. imperfect’ either. I’m wrestling more specifically with how different my own reactions to those differences are. I feel like I need to know why my reactions are different. There are so many thought’s winding through my brain that it seems the act of following one thought to its conclusion is like trying to unravel a tangled piece of string. It feels like the thing God really wants me to grasp is there at the end of untangling all these fleeting thoughts. I know it’s worth it, I just need to work my way through.

So, here I go, just like division in 5th grade math – showing my work to try to find the answer or the mistake:

One of the things I’ve been mulling over is the premise that one of the reasons we are afraid of man is because we are ashamed: ashamed of who we are, or what we do or think, or how we look in regards to other people. We are afraid of being seen and ashamed that we are or we will be judged (fairly or not) by another person and we won’t measure up in their eyes. This idea of fear and being ashamed sort of got stuck in my head. I know fear and shame are both “feelings” and feelings are kind of murky and hard to explain. I mean, what exactly is the definition of fear, of shame? I figured I’d get out a dictionary:

Fear: a) a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. Synonyms: Dismay, dread, terror, fright, panic.
Fear: b) reverential awe, especially toward God. Synonyms: awe, respect, reverence.
Shame: The painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, done by oneself or another.
Ashamed: Feeling shame; distressed or embarrassed by feelings of guilt, foolishness or disgrace.
Disgrace: Put out of grace or favor.

Okay, I’m going to start with ‘fear’ and my dislike of that word. It’s because of definition “a” that I dislike the word. Really? Who wants to feel any of that? That definition of fear is automatically my go to because it defines a feeling I have known my whole life. I’ve felt all those synonyms in different situations. I’ve dreaded going to work because of having to deal with people. I’ve been dismayed by looking at the caller ID and seeing it’s someone I want to avoid. I’ve been panicked because I’m running late and it will upset someone else. I’ve been terrified of being punished for something I did as well as for something I didn’t do.

For a long time I associated that kind of fear with God because I didn’t realize there was another definition for Fear. But looking at it now, I have to agree with the need to ‘fear’ God. I believe God deserves my respect and should be treated with reverence. I should hold Him in awe and look on Him in amazed wonder and not just because He is perfect and almighty and created the universe. He gave up His perfect Son to save imperfect me. He let His son die so that I could live forever. Would I sacrifice myself or someone I loved that way? If that selfless, loving, beautiful act does not deserve my awe, and respect and reverence – I can think of nothing else that would. How strange that two definitions for the same word can have a completely different ‘feeling’.

Which leads me to the feeling of shame. Isn’t it something that both shame and fear use the word pain as a descriptor? I have felt the pain of both fear and shame before, so many times in fact I’d be hard pressed to narrow them down to try to pick the “best” example. I’ve been humiliated and shamed in front of others as well as in private, for things I’ve done and for things done to me. Let me just say I am not a fan of shame in any form, be it public humiliation or private embarrassment. There was not a separate sub-definition that said “regarding God” like there was for fear. So I went looked up ashamed to see if it would have something about God. The phrase ‘feelings of disgrace’ caught my eye so I looked up disgrace and started thinking.

You see, I know without a single doubt that I cannot be put out of God’s Grace. It is a gift God gave to me when I was saved. The moment I admitted my own failings and imperfections and my need for a savior and I accepted that my need had already been met and my sin paid for by the death of Christ on the cross I was forgiven and made a child of God. That unmerited, undeserved favor, love and kindness once given cannot be taken away. As long as I continue to believe in the truth of my salvation it doesn’t matter how many mistakes I make – God will never leave me or forsake me, he will always love me and treat me with kindness even though on my own, I would never deserve it.

So if I know that I cannot be put out of God’s Grace then how can I feel ashamed before Him? Asking myself that question helped me realize that I haven’t. God has never made me feel ashamed. Don’t get me wrong, God has rebuked me and God has called me out for my wrong doings. I have fallen to my knees in His presence and known beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am a sinner and my heart is black and undeserving of His Love, His Grace or His Mercy. But even on my knees, even confessing my sin to Him, He never made me feel ashamed. So since it isn’t shame I feel with God I wanted to figure out what exactly it is I do feel.

The answer is of course another definition or five:

Fear: reverential awe, respect, reverence.
Guilt: the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong. A feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong.
Sorrow: distress caused by loss, affliction, disappointment; grief, sadness, or regret.
Grace: unmerited favor or goodwill. Synonyms: kindness, love, mercy.
Mercy: Compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy or other person in one’s power.

I begin by resting in the fact that He is worthy of my awe and respect and reverence. I come before an awesome God saved but still flawed and in need of forgiveness for my sins so that I can be as close to Him as my heart desires me to be. When I make a mistake, when I sin, it causes a rift in my relationship with God just as it would cause a rift in any relationship. I feel guilt, just like I would if I’d hurt a friend by doing something wrong. If I acknowledge my mistake, if I take responsibility for it, I feel sorrow. I feel distress at the loss of closeness with God, I feel regret for having caused the rift in the relationship, I feel disappointment with myself for making the mistake. I don’t feel self conscious or worry about what God is going to think about me. I don’t feel ridiculous or embarrassed, no it’s not shame I feel it’s sorrow.

But why is there this difference? Why do I feel shame with people and sorrow with God? Is it that I trust God and I don’t trust people? Is it because God is perfect and so is His Grace and His Mercy?

How is it that I unravel the jumbled thoughts in my head thinking that is where God will give me answers and I find more questions?

Proverbs 2:
If you receive my words
and treasure up my commandments with you,
making your ear attentive to wisdom
and inclining your heart to understanding;
yes, if you call out for insight
and raise your voice for understanding,
if you seek it like silver
and search for it as for hidden treasures,
then you will understand the fear of the Lord
and find the knowledge of God.

Guess I need to keep seeking like silver, searching for it as for hidden treasures.

Epic Fail

So… I fell down at the gym yesterday. Can I tell you that has been one of the biggest fears for me this past (almost) 2 years. Falling down in front of people at the gym. And this was a fall that you couldn’t even play off either. Not one of those trip over your feet kinda things, no – I did this one up right.

So Brian, my trainer who I heart, likes to push me out of my comfort zone. He likes to motivate me and get me to do things that give me pause. You know, things that I look at and automatically say “I can’t do that.” So yesterday, totally one of those days. We start out with the things I can do: a circuit of squat presses on the machine, sitting the wall, calf raises – each go round increasing in weight or time or intensity. Hard? Yes. Possible? Absolutely. Do-able? Consider it done!

After three sets have been accomplished we move to our next room where I do some rows on the machine – this is shaping up to be a good strength workout... It’s at this point I turn around and see the next setup. Bosu ball under the pull up bar. Brian looks at me and says “Okay, so we’re gonna do 5 pushups, 5 burpees and then I want you to do 5 of these… let me show you.” He proceeds to jump on the bosu ball using his momentum to elevate him (not that he needs it as he’s super crazy tall) closer to the handle grips on the pull up bar where he then does a leg lift while doing a flexed arm hang from the handle bars.

I stare at him blankly. He smiles. I raise my eyebrow, he smiles wider. “You can do this. You think you can’t, but you can.” I raise my other eyebrow and tilt my head and say “Sure, uh-huh.” He smiles again “Remember, your list – don’t think about how you can’t do something – think about how you can!” Big, deep breath. Stare at bosu ball. Rock on heels. Big deep breath. “Prepare yourself mentally and then attack it Renee. You’ve got this.”

“I’ve got this.” I proceeded to – jump on bosu ball, bounce off bosu ball, reach for hand grips on the pull up bar, fingers brush handle grips on the pull up bar, fingers fail to find purchase on pull up bar handles, fingers flail frantically trying to make the air around the handle bar into something solid that will hold the body up… fingers fail utterly at making gas into solid, down falls fingers, toes, and everything in between… SLAM goes the elbow into the ground, WHUMP goes the tailbone at the same time, Whoosh goes the breath and Clack go the teeth as the jaw clamps shut. All that sound followed by Brian saying “Oh wow, are you okay?”

“Ummmm… ow.” Brian asks again if I’m okay. I look up at him, all the concern in the world on his face and I laugh. He looks even more concerned and asks if I’m hurt. I stand up, checking to make sure nothing’s seriously painful. “Only my pride.” Brian looks at me and says. “You ready to try again?” to which I say, “what, falling? Sure!”. Brian looks at me seriously and says, “You will not fall on the floor again. If you don’t land it, I will catch you.” I look at him and he looks back. I know he’ll throw himself on the floor underneath me and let me fall on him before he’ll let me fall on the concrete again.

“You ready?” he asks.

“Absolutely. I can do this.” Look at bosu ball, look at handle bars, back to bosu ball, back at handle bars – point at handle bars and say “Okay, this time – DON’T MOVE!” Brian chuckles. Jump on bosu ball, bounce of bosu ball, reach for handle grips on the pull up bar, fingers brush handle grips on the pull up bar, HEART POUNDS REALLY FAST, fingers clamp down solidly on handle bars, body swings, leg lifts, hands release, land upon feet not bottom or elbow. HIGH FIVE BRIAN. Do it again 4 more times. Then round 2: 3 push ups, 3 burpees, 3 more of the crazy. At which point Brian says he noticed that when I grip the handle bars I hook my grip instead of wrapping my thumb around, and he asked me to try again. I did and changed the grip. Then because he’s totally a little OCD, he said, oh, we can’t have odd numbers let’s do one more for an even 10. I guess we just don’t count the ones where I fail. I kinda like that math.

All to say that falling on my rearadear helped me realize that for me it’s easier to try again after falling down than it is to try in the first place. I’m not actually afraid of failing – I’m afraid of what other people will think of me when they see me fail. A lot of times fear of embarrassment keeps me from doing or saying the things that I should or that I want to. I focus so much on what other people think and their opinion of me and I don’t even realize that fear of the “what if” is paralyzing me. What if they laugh, what if they make fun of me, what if they hate me, what if they get angry, what if they don’t want to be my friend anymore? So much focus on the possibility of bad things happening that I lose the opportunity for good things.

And the thing is – I was talking to Todd the front desk guy before I left and I asked him if he saw me fall. You know what he said? “Nope, I saw you get back up.” It’s all about focus. Am I focused on the fear of what others think of me when I fail or what good could come out of others seeing me try? I want to be able to be someone who fails without fear of what other people think because God might want someone out there to see me get back up. While I don’t think I’ll ever like being a failure - I pray failing for Christ becomes easier.

HUA - Heard, Understood, Acknowledged

I am not God. I feel like writing that down a thousand times on a chalkboard and maybe then it will sink in. I take on too much – I try too hard to be too many things to too many people. It comes from a good place – well – it STARTS in a good place. I have a desire to share God’s love and the love He has given me for others. The problem is that I also enjoy being needed. And that can be twisted so easily into something unhealthy, hurtful, prideful, sinful…

My current schedule is a blur of color – activities and dates – people and places color coded to show who it is I’m doing things for… If it is my husband it is yellow, if it is for my mom it is pink, if it is for myself it is green, if it is for my body it is red, if it is for church it is blue… And it just struck me as I typed this – why is everything a different color? Shouldn’t everything I do be for God? Shouldn’t I be living my life for Him and not myself? Who am I serving with all this activity?

Galatians 1:10 says:
For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ.

But I am a bond-servant of Christ! Because of His love for me I am saved! Because of His love for me I am forgiven! Because of His love for me I am set free! I am not condemned! God loved me so much that He sent His Son to die in my place. And His Son loved me so much that He DIED for me. A lady in our bible study tonight raised the question “If He was willing to die for me, how can I not be willing to live for Him?” And it got me to thinking, who am I really living for?

Am I living for my family, for my friends? Am I living for their approval? Am I living for their love? That’s not to say that those things don’t mean anything – but that should not be what I’m striving for.

Psalm 46:10 tells me to Cease Striving and KNOW that He is God… what does that look like? What should that look like? I don’t know exactly, but I do know what it doesn’t look like. It doesn’t look like my calendar. It doesn’t look like me taking on everything just because I’m trying to be a people pleaser or earn/keep someone’s love. It doesn’t look like me feeling emotionally exhausted and robbed of peace because I’m worried about what other people think about me when I can or can’t or do or don’t or will or won’t.

And then tonight, while talking to a friend about how I feel guilty for not being able to do more for people and give them more because they need it - I had a moment of clarity. While it is true I’m trying to give the Fruit’s of the spirit in Galatians 5:22-23 (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control) to all my friends if I’m honest with myself – it’s not really always the best fruit – because it’s really not always God centered.

And if I’m standing in the way offering them my inferior “fruit” how will anyone see the perfect fruit that God wants to give them which is discussed in Philippians 1:11 - having been filled with the fruit of righteousness which comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God. God made it completely clear to me tonight that He doesn’t need me to do His work. He needs me to maybe get out of His way. It was a rebuke and it was a little painful to get it, but it’s true. I need to change my focus back to where it should be.

So I’m going to take my schedule and re-dedicate it. I’m re-examining my priorities and I’m not going to worry about how that makes other people feel about me. I am sorry if it changes our friendships or if it upsets anyone that I am less available. My hope is that instead of being upset with me they will seek and find what they are looking for in someone far more able to fill them than I am. I think Paul expresses my prayer far better than I ever could in Ephesians 3:14-21

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever.

Amen.

Amen, indeed!

Saying Goodbye... once more with feeling!

Dear 210’s…
I honestly don’t remember meeting you. Perhaps the ice cream coma I was in blurred our get-together from my mind. Whatever the case may be, I have to admit that I was a little horrified finding you here without my prior knowledge. I mean, I really thought waking up next to someone you don’t recognize only happened to people who completely lost control… In any case, I’m really very glad that you have decided to leave. I’d really appreciate it if you decided not to return.

Sincerely,

Renee


Dear 200’s…

I know we didn’t talk that much – you were only here for about a month before I realized I’d started spending all my time with the 190’s. I’d like to say I’m sorry that we didn’t get to spend more time together, but I have a feeling we’d both know it was a lie. After all, I’m pretty sure I spent at least a year with you before the 210’s made that little visit that freaked me out. I really do wish you the best with whoever you move on with. I just know that it won’t be me.

All the best!

Renee


Dear 190’s…

I feel that I need to apologize to you. I know I really made you think I wanted to be with you and I did! When we first met I was so excited to tell people about you… I mean we were together and I was beyond thrilled! By our first month anniversary our relationship had started to lose its appeal. I found myself wondering how long we would need to be together. I felt smothered by how you just always wanted to be with me. We had some good times, but I think we were meant to just be friends. I hope that you find someone better suited to you… perhaps a man? Only a suggestion!

Affectionately,

Renee


Dear 180’s…

We began our flirtation in June. Something about you just made me smile. Perhaps it was the way I felt with you while I was wearing that denim dress. I don’t know. But I do know that during our flirtation, I became attracted to the 170’s and I just didn’t know how to tell you. I know that we weren’t committed to each other, still, I felt ashamed. But the heart wants what the heart wants. And my heart wanted better blood flow that could only be found with the 170’s. I’m hopeful that you will understand my desire to end things before anyone gets hurt. You really are great, and I know that there’s someone out there that is perfect for you – she’s just not me.

Fondly,

Renee


Dear 170’s…

We’ve been seeing each other since sometime in July, but I really feel like I need to break it off. It’s not that you weren’t fun – you were! I had a great summer with you. The thing is though, I got caught cheating on you and I wanted to tell you before someone else did. I was at the doctors and the 160’s were there and well… the nurse walked in and saw everything – and since the nurse knows you – well, I’ve been feeling guilty for a while now. I’ve always been attracted to the 160’s but that’s no excuse for stringing you along like this. I don’t want to keep living a lie until day I have to formally announce that you and I aren’t together anymore. I’d really just like for us to part as friends but I completely understand if that can’t happen. So, if we never meet again – you take care of yourself.

Best Wishes,

Renee


Dear 160’s…

I’ve been looking back on letters from the last 6 months and I’ve realized something. While I like you, and I’m happy to spend time with you and get to know you… I’m really not in the position to be in a long term relationship with you or anyone else right now. I’m just trying to figure out what I want. Right now you feel great, but I admit, I’ve been imagining what it might be like to be with the 150’s or 140’s… Sometimes, I catch myself day dreaming about the 130’s and once even the 120’s… I don’t want to hurt you. I hope we can have fun for as long as it lasts – keep things casual. Still, I need you to know that when we part that will be the end of our relationship. Forever. Although, I am happy to introduce you to a couple of tall gals I know that have been daydreaming about you!

TTYL!

Renee

Dear 150’s…

I’m sorry this note is getting to you so late. I owed you better than that. After all, we had fun from November until… huh… I can’t recall exactly when we parted ways. To be fair, the holiday’s were a blur. Still, I remember being with you as I indulged a bit at Thanksgiving and Christmas. You were so understanding about my need to enjoy the pumpkin pie. (Maybe a little too understanding.) Anyway, next thing I know I’m out with friends on New Year’s Eve and I can’t remember you being there. I had a couple drinks, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t start dating the 140’s that night. Still, stranger things have happened – I mean, you remember my story about the 210’s right? Regardless, I wanted to tell you how grateful I was for our time together. It brought me new clothes that fit and a boost in my confidence as I made it through the holidays with you instead of going back to the 160’s. I mean, after I told him we were through “FOREVAH”, I really would have been embarrassed to go crawling back to him, eating my words like so much pumpkin pie. Mmmmm….pie! So, really, thanks for sticking with me through the holidays. I hope you find someone else that will be happy sticking with you the whole year through.

Thanks Again!

Renee

Dear 140’s…

I know technically everyone thinks we’re still together since I haven’t “officially” moved on to the 130’s. But we both know I moved on weeks ago and I’m just waiting for the right time to make the announcement. I know I was a little cranky that you were still around when I weighed in for February… and I’m sorry for that reaction. It’s just that I was so close to that 7o pound total loss and I blamed you for standing in my way. When really, I should have been thanking you for so many things. Like letting me realize I could make it through my first plateau without giving up or hating myself. Or, showing me that I could take a Body Combat class with you and NOT die. Or, better yet, helping me realize that I enjoy “exercise”. More than that though, thank you for reminding me that while I felt good being with you – better than I ever have in my adult life – we were never meant to be together long term. In fact, knowing that we aren’t MFEO is the only reason I’m leaving you behind because honestly, it’s been great!

Lots of Love,

Renee


Dear 130’s…

I know we’ve been keeping our relationship on the DL. I mean, I haven’t even logged you into My Food Diary yet because we haven’t made thing’s “Official”. I’ve been secretly stepping on the scale in the mornings just to see you – and I don’t want to wait until next week’s official weigh in to stop pretending that we’re not in this together. I mean, just this morning you told me that I’m at a healthy BMI for the first time in my adult life! Do you know what a gift that is to me? It’s priceless! Thank you for letting me meet the technically “healthy me”. While I know you and I are destined to part ways, I will keep “healthy me” forever! We probably only have a month or two left together – depending on how the last 10/12 pounds go but I know you’re fine with that and I am too. I just wanted to take this time to let you know that I appreciate everything you’ve shown me and given me to take along even after you’re gone.

With Sincerest Gratitude,

Renee

Dear 120’s…

I am coming for you. You are my goal and I WILL reach you. And when I do I plan to “hug you and squeeze you and love you forever and ever.” I know I’ve been very fickle this past year with all the other weights, and it might lead you to believe I’m not sincere in my desire to stay with you. But I really don’t see any need to look for anyone else once we get together. I mean, I’ve been with the 210’s, the 200’s, the 190’s, the 180’s, the 170’s, the 160’s, the 150’s and the 140’s and they didn’t have what I wanted. I’m currently with the 130’s and while I enjoy being here, I know that they aren’t a perfect fit. And honestly, the 110’s sound a little scary to me. Besides, you’re the one the doctor’s say I’d be a fool not to stick with… and I really think they’re right. I hope this doesn’t scare you off… but I can’t wait to start our life together! (New clothes and all)

(im)patiently waiting,

Renee


P.S. I’m really serious about us being in a committed relationship and I want to reassure you that once we get together, I will not cheat on you… Unless I get pregnant. And then, well, all bets are off – although “technically” it would be my child that’s cheating on you. Still, if that happens, I promise that I will come back to you as SOON as I can. You can count on me!

Personal Trainer?

On the retreat this weekend I was sitting at Table 13 for dinner Saturday night. I chose Table 13, not because I knew anyone at it, but because I've always liked the number 13. Anyway, I sat down to dinner with only one other woman and we chatted. Other people joined us. I overheard one woman expressing her dissatisfaction at being unable to lose the "belly after baby" and was wondering what she could do. Of course, I chimed in (without being asked) and said:

You do know you can't target one specific part of your body to lose weight in, right? There's no magic exercise that will work - in fact you can do crunches for the rest of your life and have nothing change. What you need to do is add weight resistance training and build muscle so that you can increase your metabolism and lose weight everywhere.

To which she replied:

Are you a trainer?

The fact that looking at me she thought I could be a personal trainer... MADE MY DAY! Once I explained that I'd lost 69 pounds in the past year and worked with a personal trainer that entire time they spent the rest of the meal asking me questions. Having knowledge to help people and being able to give it - AWESOME!

Anyway, back home at the gym working with Cruise Director Wendy this past Wednesday I shared the story. She asked if I had ever thought of becoming a personal trainer myself... I shrugged it off - since I believe at the time I was focusing on not dropping the "air rope".

Well, this morning Trainer Matt was back and he said:

I hear Wendy put a bug in your ear. So, do you think you'd be interested in becoming a personal trainer? I think you'd have a good perspective to give to clients... I mean, you'd be able to relate to them in a way that I can't. You know how hard it is to change your life because you've done it.

I didn't know what to say. He told me I should think about it. Just then, Cruise Director Wendy walked by with her victim... I mean "client", Ruth who said "There's my weight loss inspiration... Hi Renee!" Matt just looked at me... as if to say "SEE - I TOLD YOU!"

Still, I don't know. It's definitely something to think about...

Climbing the wall...

So on the women’s retreat I went to this past weekend we got FREE TIME! How nice is that? Well during my free time I decided I was going to *try* to climb the rock wall. Crazy idea to begin with, since I’m afraid of heights… but I decided it would be a good test. I mean, 70 pounds ago I physically could NOT have done it, and I wanted to see now that my weight was no longer a valid excuse if I could. I wasn’t sure I’d make it higher than 2 feet because my arms aren’t really strong. Still I figured it wouldn’t hurt to try.

They put me in the harness, and I heard my inner voice saying “You have to wear this harness so that if you fall off the wall you won’t die a horrible painful death from that 30 foot fall… and it’s not a guarantee… are you sure you want to do this?” Mentally shaking these thoughts from my head, I took off my jacket and got in line. I told the guy with the rope I had never done this before and wasn’t sure if I could really do it… he clipped me to said rope with a twinkle in his eye and pointed to the ‘easy’ wall in front of him. “Don’t pay attention to the colored tape,” he says. “Just do what you can.”

So, I go to the wall and I start to climb. And then, I get stuck like 2 feet from the bottom. My first instinct is to give up… because, well, that would be the easiest thing to do. Instead, I hear myself say out loud “I’m stuck! What do I do!? Help!” And I hear a voice call out instructions and without thinking I do what the voice says and I go up a little higher. And then I see another handhold and I take it and a foothold and I take that and I go higher still. And then, I get stuck again. I feel like I should be able to see the next step to take, I mean it’s right there in front of me… but I just can’t.

This time I don’t even pause I call out again for help. I hear a voice call out and I make a try to do what it says, but I’m higher now and unsure… I can’t do it. But I am not ready to give up yet! I ask for another suggestion and this time I hear my friend Maggie call out “Put your left foot on the rock that looks like the moon and push yourself up and grab the red triangle rock with your right hand.” This voice I know. This voice I trust. For a brief second I think – “Wow, that moon rock is high, can I even get my foot up there?” But my body moves on its own accord because my brain negated the question - Maggie would never tell me to do anything I couldn’t do, so of course I can do it! As my hand grasps the red triangle rock I realize I have a cheering section below me now. I can hear them rooting me onward and upward as Maggie plots a course for me to follow.

Then I get to a foot or two from the top, and not even Maggie can get me to move. My hands begin to sweat and I can feel my grip slipping. My right leg begins to shake uncontrollably. I am terrified. I want to finish. That orange x is so close and yet it’s worlds away. I can’t do it. I hear myself saying it over and over. Whether out loud or silently, I don’t know. I hear people calling out encouragements and suggestions. I try to follow them and reach for rocks above me but terrified all I can do is cling to right where I’m at. I still hear people saying things but I can no longer hear them over my own heartbeat. Finally, the sentence that has been repeated penetrates the fog of fear that has a hold of my brain. “Renee, just grab the rope! Let go and grab the rope!” There is a split second of complete terror as for a moment I let go and the only thing holding me is a rope and a man at the other end that I don’t know from Adam. “Please God, don’t let me fall!” My feet touch the wall… and I begin to rappel down it, feeling exhilaration as each bounce of my feet pushes me from the wall, helping me make a slow and steady decent.

I get to the bottom and I look back up. Wow… that was high! I am shaking like a leaf. Women that I have only seen in passing at church have surrounded me and are hugging me, congratulating me – celebrating a moment of personal victory with me. Asking me if I’m going back up… HA! “Next year,” I reply. And I mean it. Next year I will do this again. Next year, I will touch the orange X. Next year, I will reach the top!

It would be really easy to just say: “Dude, I climbed a rock wall!” and leave it at that. I mean, that’s a personal feat of accomplishment, that’s a really big deal… But I’d be remiss if I didn’t share with you what I gained that made it so much more than that.

I didn’t give up on myself even when it was the easy thing to do. I moved past what I thought I could because I put more faith in Trust than in Fear. When I reached the end of my own strength – I grabbed the rope and let go.

Right is not always easy. Sometimes you have to go through the hard things so that you can become stronger. Sometimes you doubt yourself, sometimes you are afraid… but God reminded me that He is my Rock and my Fortress and my Deliverer. When life gets hard I naturally become afraid and worry about what to do next. I stubbornly cling to the things of this world when I fear they will be torn from me, unable and unwilling to let go of whatever I’m stuck on… terrified to fall back and hold ONLY the rope of my Faith, my belief that The Lord is the one who goes ahead of me, He will be with me, He will not fail me or forsake me so I should not fear or be dismayed (Deuteronomy 31:8).

This rock climb reminded me that I can’t see the path I need to take because I’m too close to it. There really was only enough light for the step I was on… and the only way I can move forward is if I trust the One who is guiding my step because He will never ask me to do something I cannot do. I need to rest in the knowledge that God knows what I can do because He made me who I am, knitting me in my mother’s womb. But more than that, I was reminded that no matter what, there will always be fear in my life, and even though I will fail, He will not. I can cling to Him in my fear and He will not let me fall from His hands. He is the ultimate Belay. (Belay – noun – describing an object sturdy enough for a running rope to be passed around it to secure a hold.)

So I ask you, who or what is your Belay? What do you cling to? Where have you anchored the rope of your life? Can you rest securely in the knowledge that your Belay will not crumble, will not move, will not waver, will not change or are you clinging to an object, a person, a thing that you fear could let you fall? It is my prayer that you will find a Belay that is and was and will always be sturdy enough for you to secure your life to and trust that it will always hold.

None of these things move me...

None of these things move me.

A simple sentence. It was the title of something that I read several weeks ago that has stayed with me. You see, the title was meant one way and I took it another. That is, I did until I continued to read and the meaning became clear. I was surprised to find that I was reading about a completely different subject than what I was prepared for. I started wondering how many people would automatically interpret the sentence the way I did.

None of these things move me.

When you read it, what does it mean to you?

To me when I read it I thought it meant that the article was going to be about “things” that didn’t arouse the authors emotions. You know, like when you watch what is supposed to be a touching scene in a movie and it doesn’t make you feel the way it’s intended to. I was even prepared for it to be about how our hearts don’t break for the things that break Christ’s heart; that we aren’t moved to action the way we are called to in Matthew 25:40 “The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.”

Would it surprise you as much as it surprised me to find out the actual meaning was that none of the things the author was talking about changed her faith in Christ or moved her from Him? Here I was expecting a complaint about how nothing made her feel something, or a message about not feeling moved to do something and instead I get a message of strength and rejoicing.

None of these things move me! I stand firm in the promise of The Lord!

But how? How do we go from listening to our hearts and our minds to being able to STAND FIRM? I think His Words will always be better than mine, so how about I start with them?

Ephesians 6:11-17

Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.

Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.

Stand firm therefore, HAVING GIRDED YOUR LOINS WITH TRUTH, and HAVING PUT ON THE BREASTPLATE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS, and having shod YOUR FEET WITH THE PREPARATION OF THE GOSPEL OF PEACE; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. And take THE HELMET OF SALVATION, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

But what does all of that mean? Here is what it means to me:

Your Truth prepares us for the action required of us as men and woman. Your Righteousness guards our hearts. The knowledge that we have been saved safeguards our minds. We can walk safely because of Your Gospel of Peace. Faith in You defends us when we are attacked. Your Word is the only thing we need to use to fight with, because while it is also a defense, it is all the offence we need.

Oh, how many times have I doubted your promise God? How many times have I listened to lies and felt afraid or confused and moved from You. How many times have I misinterpreted something’s meaning because of how my emotions directed me instead of standing firm in You? How many times have I forgotten that my defenses are ALL found in You and that I can fight my fear and all that stands against me by going back to Your Word. I am so sorry Father that I waver, that I doubt, that I do not see with my human eyes the things you want to show me with Your Holy Spirit! I know that You have given me everything I need to stand firm. Please Lord, help me to remember that ‘None of these things move me!’

Wordless Wednesday

No, that's your friend!

I went over to Kristin's house last week to visit with her and her kids for the evening. Technically, we were supposed to babysit for another friend's kids together, but they got sick so we decided to still get together and hang out. My little friend Sage (Kristin's daughter) grabbed my lanyard to look at what was hanging from it.

I have a key card, my old photo ID and my new photo ID - in reverse order of course, but that's what's on there. Sage saw the new photo ID and said, "what's this?" I said "That's me." Then she flipped and saw the old photo ID and asked "What's this?" and I said "That's me too." To which Sage replied. "No, Miss Ahaaay, that's your friend!"

Her mom and I shared a smile over Sage's head and said "okay." and I put the badge away as Sage became distracted by something more exciting. Still, what is it they say "Out of the mouths of babes." ? Every time I see my badges at work I am reminded of what my 3 year old friend told me. "No, that's your friend!"

You see, on my weight loss journey, I have a hard time thinking of "fat me" as my friend and not someone to judge or someone to ignore or someone hiding just beneath the surface of "thinner me" waiting to take over my life again. I was "fat me" for so much of my life. When I look back I have a hard time accepting her joys and her triumphs and being proud of her and cheering for her and who she was instead of focusing on who she wasn't. Sometimes I think "how do I get there without going back there?" Maybe if I just listen to that 3 year old... one day it will sink in - "No, (that's not me) that's your friend!"

A Testimony of Blessing

When I was little, my mom let me go to a group one of her friend’s daughters belonged to. It was called AWANA and met at RBC. I was in Sparks and I LOVED it. We got to hang out and we learned stories from the felt board and if we memorized our bible verses we got to take home Sparkie (the firefly). It was as a visitor in this children’s ministry that I was taught John 3:16. In my heart I understood that it was the truth even though I was only 7 years old.

Maybe 7 seems too early to really know that you believe in Christ or to fully understand what it means to be saved from sin – when sin seems like such an adult concept. But I had already had to endure "adult" things because I had been molested so I had a firmer grasp on more adult concepts than most children my age, including sin. All I know is that when I memorized those words from John 3:16 it felt like they had been written in my heart and I believed they were as true as anything I could see and that I needed someone –Christ – to save me and that I wanted that kind of LOVE for myself.

And then I got older, and jaded by the world and my circumstances - which will be saved for an as yet unwritten post. While I don’t think I lost my Faith, I know lost my way. Life went the way it did, mostly without God being a present and accounted for part of it. Two years after John and I started trying to have children God began to call me again, but this time He shouted in my pain.

I felt like I was missing something. And it was more than just missing a baby because I don't think you can truly miss something if you never had it to begin with. I wanted a baby, but I was missing God and the peace I knew only He could give. I decided I needed to go back to His house and worship Him, even though I didn't really know how.

Which is when I ended up back at the very beginning… My friend Maggie told me I should come to her church and it turned out to be RBC – only this time, I got to go upstairs with the grown-ups! It’s almost as if He'd been waiting there for me all my life. He has put wonderful people in my path to be His hands and feet, to remind me of His truth. He reinforces it every day, in so many ways.

In this past year He has brought down walls in my life that I didn't even realize I had. I am still learning to walk with Him, to let Him lead me, and not try to lead myself. He has grown me and humbled me and shown me that I have SO much farther to go. But He gave me a husband to hold me up and walk with me. He also gave me a thirst for Himself so that it doesn't matter how far I have to go because I know without a doubt that I want to go there if that is where He is.

It was in that overwhelming thirst for Him that I heard Him speak to me most recently. I had rented a “cabin” at the library to finish up my Bible Study on Covenant. I prayed before I began my study, asking God to teach me what He wanted during my meditation and that He would help me put into practice everything He decided to show me. I would like to share what I learned with all of you.

The first thing He showed me was in Galatians 3:7-9:

Understand, then, that those who have faith are children of Abraham. Scripture foresaw that God would justify the Gentiles by faith, and announced the gospel in advance to Abraham: “All nations will be blessed through you.” So those who rely on faith are blessed along with Abraham, the man of faith.
So – having gotten that I am a descendant of Abraham (and Sarah), I was then supposed to re-read a passage I had read before as part of the another study (Trusting God Even When Life Hurts). But this time God made it personal:

Isaiah 54:1
The Fertility of Zion
Shout for joy, O barren one, you who have borne no child;
Break forth into joyful shouting and cry aloud, you who have not travailed (been in labor);
For the sons of the desolate (barren/without hope/inconsolable) one will be more numerous
Than the sons of the married woman,” says the Lord.

Now I’m not Sarah. I know that literally speaking this is a passage where God is promising her that the messiah is coming through her line… that she’s going to have a baby and that her descendants will be more numerous than the sons of the slave woman who bore her husband’s first child.

But knowing that I am a descendant of Abraham and Sarah, the passage took on new meaning for me. For the son’s of the desolate one will be more numerous – because her son’s are all those that are saved! And mine can be too. God used His Word to remind me that even though I might never have children of my own… the love I give to the children in my life that I can’t give to my own flesh and blood, time with them when spent for Christ, will give me more children in heaven than I could ever have on earth.

Of course I can’t lie and tell you that children aren’t a treasure that I want, that I long for still, here on earth… BUT as we have been constantly reminded during the series on The Almighty Dollar vs. The Almighty God we are, according to Matthew 6:20, to “store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal;

And as I wrote this out to share with you God spoke to me again…I felt that desire to read further into Isaiah 54… and because I obeyed I was comforted once more when I saw a glimpse of my treasure in verses 11-14:

O Afflicted one, storm-tossed, and not comforted,
Behold, I will set your stones in antimony, (lustrous, silver-white, crystalline material)
And your foundations I will lay in sapphires.
Moreover, I will make your battlements of rubies,
And your gates of crystal,
And your entire wall of precious stones.
All your sons will be taught of the LORD;
And the well-being of your sons will be great.
In righteousness you will be established; (recognized as truth, founded, permanently made)

So I get a multitude of children, all of them will be taught of the Lord, their well being will be great, plus I get sapphires, rubies, crystal, precious stones AND made Permanently Righteous… It's not my plan... but it sounds like one I could live with… forever.

Thankful

In shepherd group we answered the question “Have you ever felt completely alone or afraid?”. The question brought to mind one of the darkest times of my life. It was when I was struggling with what was later diagnosed as bi-polar disorder.

I was at a party, having a horrible time and pretending that everything was just fine. It got late and everyone around me had paired up and fallen asleep. I was left alone staring at a computer screen. I’m pretty sure I typed everyone at the party a cryptic e-mail of some sort while I sat there drowning in my own depression – angry that no one cared enough about me to look through my happy mask and see me slowly dying on the inside. I got up and left. I don’t remember waking anyone or saying goodbye. I didn’t know what I was doing I just knew that I had to leave right then. I walked out the door in the hazy pre-dawn light and got into my car and started to drive. I don’t remember many details of that evening, including where it was I drove to. What I do remember is the bridge... and the desire to turn the wheel and step on the gas so the car would go off the bridge and end my pain. As my hands started to steer the car ever so slightly toward the bridge barrier I found myself thinking that it would be just my luck to survive the crash and be paralyzed because then there really would be no way out. Quicker than thought my hands straightened the wheel and as I drove past the bridge and it’s temptation I began to shake. The tremors raced through my body and released a flood of tears. Frustrated and angry at my cowardice and my helplessness I didn’t know what to do, only that this had to stop.

I went through therapy and it has helped me in so many ways. But I still had times where I felt alone. When I met John I had reached a point where I felt that it was time to stop going to therapy. I had gotten off my medications and learned to handle my bi-polar swings before they became extreme. Still, even with all the wonderful things in my life, I feel alone sometimes and afraid and sad. But now that feeling is not complete because I know that God will always be with me no matter what. That He has a plan for me, even if it isn’t mine – and that He loves me so much He will never leave me or forsake me. And because He is a perfect and loving God, I can trust Him when I am afraid to trust anyone else or even myself.

Thinking about that bridge… I am thankful. I am thankful I am not the same girl I was then and that now I can see how Father was with me and how His hand guided me back to the road He meant me to travel instead of off the bridge I had selected.