Babies… I’m surrounded by Babies!!!

None of them are mine… and that makes me sad sometimes. Sometimes it makes me more than sad. Sometimes I have to fight against being bitter and wallowing in the fact that more than anything else I want a baby (of my own or store bought, whichever) to raise and love. For those of you not in the know, John and I have been trying for almost 3 years now with no success. We’ve come to the decision that it’ll happen in God’s time and we are trying to be patient. Sometimes I think being patient would be so much easier for me if I weren’t surrounded by kids – that I wouldn’t miss what I don’t have if I didn’t see it all the time.

The thing is – it really feels like this is where God wants me to be – surrounded by babies. I mean, a year ago He put us into a shepherd group where every single couple in it had at least 1 toddler and was pregnant or became pregnant. Other couples that came after us also had multiple little blessings of their own. John and I were the only couple to not have children and it was HARD at first. To be so surrounded by what you want most in the world… oh, the bitterness began to swell at first.

But God is great in all His wisdom. Because these parents we were surrounded by were all so… like us. They got our humor and our pain. They supported us and listened to us as we opened up to them. We forged friendships based on real life and we bonded with them even as we got to watch and listen and learn from their struggles and triumphs. We also got to fall in love with their children along the way.

Each of those bundles of energy and joy and sass have staked out a special place in my heart. When one of the babies giggles or smiles at me – I feel such joy. When I get to rock one of the boys and cuddle and coo at them – I feel such comfort. When one of the girls sees me and runs to hug me, or asks me to pick her up or whispers a giggled secret in my ear – I am overcome with emotion. When two of the little girls randomly told me that they loved me – I went home and cried.

The love of a child is a gift. It is precious. It is wonderful. Does it matter if that child isn’t yours and never will be? No! I might never have children of my own. But God has given me children to love and to love me in return. For love of those precious babies, I wanted to help get the Children’s Ministry at our new church home ready for them. I also wanted to do something to be a part of their Sundays – and still have time to do other things I had committed to.

That is why I volunteered to help before and after each of the services. There’s only one problem… it’s not enough! When I’m with the kids and their little faces light up seeing me there and they want me to stay and check on them or walk them to the clubhouse or stay with them and sing – I don’t want to tell them I can’t. I love being with the kids and watching them learn and grow. I love being able to make them smile and help them solve little disputes. I love being around their joy and excitement. I feel like they love having me there too... not just the little ones who know me, but other children there seem to just come to me – like they know there is a space in my heart that is empty and waiting.

Still, I feel conflicted between “feeding” myself at the adult bible study I go to during second service and “serving” the children (and myself) by staying and helping in the Children’s Ministry. I’ve been praying about it because I almost feel like I’m being selfish wanting to stay with the kids… but then I think – “Why would God give me a heart for children, no children of my own and then NOT want me to be with the children He made sure to place into my life?” In my heart I know that there is nowhere I would rather be than with the kids, even when it stings because I’m reminded of what I want and don’t have. But before I really commit to doing anything on a more permanent basis for the Children’s Ministry I want to make sure it’s where I’m really supposed to be.

I talked to John and he supports me whatever I decide to do. I just have to decide… and we all know how horrible I am at that!

Weight Loss Journey

So, someone suggested that I blog about my weight loss, and other people have started asking me questions from how it started, to what I do and if I feel different now - so I figured I'd just write it all out. For those of you that asked, here it is - this long windedness will catch anyone up on the last 4 months of my weight loss journey.

Ready? Here we go!

John and I joined a gym in March of this year because I’d reached THAT point – you know the one I’m talking about right? The one where you know something has to give and you decide you’re ready to “try again.” I knew that while I was feeling motivated right then that it wouldn’t last. Let’s face it I’ve been there before – and I always reach a point where I just give up on myself, where I can’t motivate myself and I fall back into my familiar old routine and my fun habit of self loathing. I also knew deep down that I couldn’t let John (or my mom, or a friend) be the person holding me accountable this time. Having other people work out with you is great… but counting on someone else to keep you going just doesn’t work when they either don’t need it like you do, or they end up giving up too.

So this time when we joined and they offered up that free consultation with the personal trainer, I figured, why not? I learned that I was 210 pounds which on a barely 5 foot frame is NOT good. I admit, that number was hard to see and the most I had ever weighed. I thought to myself, “how did I end up here? It’s too much…” Then the kicker. We did my BMI and I found out that almost HALF of me was made of Fat. After several minutes of me stuttering “half of me, half of me? Half of me!” I was then subjected to a round of physical exercise placement tests. This is when I got to see just how pathetically poor I was physically as he tried to get me to do the simplest exercises. No joke, I couldn’t even stand on one foot without waving my arms like I was trying to fly. When we were through I wanted to cry and eat a gallon of ice cream – perhaps not even in that order.

Instead I took a shaky breath and decided to listen instead of laugh at him when he told me how much a personal trainer would cost. I came to the conclusion that I should be willing to put what amounts to a year of car payments into learning how to get my body to run the way it was designed to run. I mean, it’s the only one I’ll ever get. Seriously, if I can look at my Honda and say “It’s worth that much” I should be able to look at myself and say the same thing. In fact, I found it a little disturbing to realize I had such low self esteem that I automatically thought a car that was designed to really only last me 10 years was worth more than I was in my own mind.

That mentality is hard to change, but my weigh in last month helped a lot. (I only weigh in once a month so that I don’t get focused on a number instead of paying attention to my body and how it’s feeling and changing.) In 3 months I lost 25 pounds and 14 inches over all – weighing in at 184.6. I have never felt like an investment in myself has been SO worth it as I did when I stepped off that scale and the last measurement had been taken. I reached a goal, I did it. I have around 55 pounds left to go and I know now that I can do that too.*

Some people have asked what my routine is – and the best answer is that it varies. I work out with Trainer Matt 3 days a week now but those first 3 months it was only 2 days a week. When I work out with him, I do 10-15 minutes on the elliptical/bike as a warm up. Then we do all kinds of things depending on the day. We do walking lunges a lot, and step ups and squats and dead lifts and straight pulls and all kinds of things that make me roll my eyes and pray for my time to be up. There’s lots of resistance work that we do too– which is killer to me, although I will admit I have noticed that I’m much stronger now and that my balance is way better too because of it. Matt’s newest thing has been Agility Training – which when I complained about how horrible I was he said

“When you started, I couldn’t have even tried to get you to do this because you
weren’t physically capable of it. But LOOK AT YOU NOW– You can and
are doing it. Give it time, you’ll get better at this too.”

Hearing that, made me want to cry because, well, I'm me and I cry at everything. But after that moment passed, something else happened. It reminded me that when I really dig in and try, I can do it.

Which is why I try to be active every day - including my off days from Matt. Granted, when Matt’s not there I do whatever I feel like doing. Sometimes I get on the elliptical and do 45 minutes while I watch an episode of Buffy on DVD. Sometimes I’ll do 30 minutes on the Wii Fit. Sometimes I count shopping as an exercise. (Trying on clothes is strenuous activity, okay?) I replaced my chair at work with an exercise ball and I roll around to music all day. On the weekend, John and I will go hiking on a trail or for a long walk or even go to the gym together. Whatever the case I try to do something every day – even if it’s just a little bit. It’s been incredible how making this kind of change has made such a huge impact on my life – from what I do to how I feel. It's even improved my (already awesome) relationship with my husband because we do more together – I get up earlier, I have more energy, I’m happier… it makes a BIG difference.

I thought the exercise was going to be the “big” change but I think a bigger change for me has been using MFD (myfooddiary.com). It really has been incredible. I’d done 'Deal a Meal' and all kinds of dieting - from just not eating certain meals to cutting out certain things to cutting out everything "bad" but nothing worked for long if at all. I'd hit a wall or go off on a binge and be right back where I started - heavier than before (physically and emotionally because of my failure).

Before MFD I never knew that when you exercise you have to eat more or your body will think it’s starving itself and lower your metabolism… effectively causing you to FAIL. I thought Diet and Exercise went hand in hand… but it doesn’t entirely. The more you do of one, the LESS you do of the other. More exercise – Less Diet – Less Exercise – More Diet. So when I work out with Matt and burn 500 calories – I don’t only eat 1200 calories, I eat 1700 calories for the day and am still on target to lose 1.5 pounds a week. (Which is deemed the “safest” amount you should lose). Now, if I don’t do anything at all that day cuz I am feeling super lazy – I only get 1200 calories which is sometimes a good thing because I’m still having a hard time spending my calories well.

You see, if you don’t spend your calories wisely on MFD you are made fully aware of it. Since MFD holds you accountable to a balanced diet if you go over/under in anything (fat, carbs, sugar, protein, iron, calories) you get an angry red frowney face. Now, if you do a good job, you get a green smiley face, which is more rewarding than it sounds, I promise. Either way, it keeps me accountable for each day and really TEACHES me about nutrition and what fuels my body versus what just fuels my hungry inner glutton child. And that child is a glutton - she likes to eat and sometimes she wins out.

Which brings me to my favorite part about MFD – after you click that your daily entry is complete it says “If every day were like today” and tells you how much you would weigh in one month, in three months and when you would reach your goal. Now, it can be motivational if you had a super great day or cautionary if you had a really bad one – but either way it focuses you because it’s about ONE Day – not yesterday and what you did wrong… just about you and what you did today – so that tomorrow can be fresh and new too. I find that really helps me focus on letting mistakes and bad days go, of allowing me to forgive myself for any missteps and not let it be a stumbling block or the excuse I need to tell myself I can’t change or I can’t do it so why try.

You see, it’s battling myself and the lies I’ve believed all my life that has been the biggest challenge so far. Don’t get me wrong – exercise, diet… important keys to getting healthy… but the biggest fight is seperating the truth from the lies. I've come to realize that 90% of weight loss is mental. You have to believe you can do it. Once you get that… everything else is still REALLY FREAKING HARD... but it’s also possible. And if I can do it – ANYONE can do it.

So... who's with me?

*NOTE: Now before anyone starts screaming that 55 pounds more is too much to lose let me say this. I might get down lower and decide that 130 pounds is not the right weight for me – I’m open to re-evaluating when I get closer to it... I just want to feel good and be healthy - whatever weight that ends up being is fine with me. It’s about how I feel, not the final number on the scale. So no worried e-mails please.

Waiter/Server

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, the people who met your needs in an airplane were called Stewardesses. Men of course didn’t want to be known as Male Stewardesses and the term Steward was not bandied about often. The march of time brought feminism and equality to the forefront of many of our minds. Perhaps that is why we now must call everyone a Flight Attendant when asking for our bag of *free* peanuts…

Along these same lines the people who brought you food in a restaurant used to be called Waiters or Waitresses. They were the fine members of the team called a “wait staff”. The dictionary definition(s) for Waiter is –

1. A person, who waits on tables, as in a restaurant.
2. A tray for carrying dishes, a tea service, etc.
3. A person who waits or awaits

Now, (at least in this area) calling someone a waiter is somehow considered demeaning. I have been rebuked on several occasions by asking for the Waiter and told in no uncertain terms that it is actually the Server I am looking for. The dictionary definition(s) for Server is –

1. A person who serves.
2. Something that serves or is used in serving.
3. A broad fork, spoon or spatula for dishing out and serving individual portions of food.
4. An attendant on the priest at Mass, who arranges the altar, makes responses, etc.
5. (in sports) the player who puts the ball in play.
6. A computer that makes services, as access to data files, programs, available to workstations on a network.

I admit I am unfamiliar with the exact reasons for changing the job title from Waiter to Server. The most plausible reason I can imagine is simply to eliminate the description of the gender of the party doing the work. Perhaps it is so that everyone will feel fairly treated – same job, same title… I really don’t know. What I do know is that the words Waiter/Server imply two very different actions to me.

Waiting seems like such an idle thing - a passive action. We often wait for things to happen – the day to begin, the workday to end, the weather to change. Usually it seems like we have no control over waiting, especially if we are waiting for something to happen so that we can then move ahead. Looking at it that way – I can understand not wanting that to be my job description. “What do I do all day? Well, I wait!” What do you have to show at the end of your waiting day if what you waited for didn’t happen?

Conversely, when we serve it seems like we are actively doing something. We could be self-serving - it is often necessary to fulfill our own needs. But – we can also be selflessly serving by filling another’s need. Whoever we serve, we are giving and working and accomplishing a task! That sounds like a fulfilling and rewarding job, doesn’t it? I served someone today. I did something in the service of someone other than myself.

Looking at it this way, it almost seems like they really are two totally different jobs. But are they? When you serve someone else you still have to wait. You have wait for them to make a decision. You have to wait for them to tell you what they want. You might even have to wait for circumstances to come together to help fulfill their need. There is still waiting involved in serving.

But when you wait do you always serve? What about when you wait for something that isn’t for someone else but for you? How do you serve then? Who do you serve then?

I struggle with this so much. It is so easy for me to focus on what it is I am waiting for to the exclusion of everything else. Like a horse with blinders on all I can see is my desire in the distance. I don’t think about the struggles of those around me who have needs of their own – needs I could be serving while I wait for my own to be met. I don’t even think about how I could serve the One I’m waiting for.

Following are the lyrics to a song called “While I’m Waiting” by John Waller that expresses so well how I long to be:

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am hopeful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it is painful

But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting

I will serve You

While I'm waiting

I will worship

While I'm waiting

I will not faint

I'll be running the race

Even while I wait

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am peaceful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it's not easy

But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will serve you while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Due to the behavior of your dog.

My mom used to work for the Town of Herndon. She was sort of the head girl in charge of the office. One of her duties included dealing with complaints and sending out correspondence to residents who were in violation of the Town Rules. One day a woman called in complaining about her neighbor’s dog. The animal was doing it’s business all over her yard and the owner didn’t even bother to clean it up. She was very irate and went on and on about the situation. My mother’s co-worker drafted a letter to the dog’s owner that said something along the lines of “You need to clean up your dog’s s—t from your neighbor’s yard or we will fine you.” Everybody had a good chuckle but obviously a letter from a Town Official could not go out like that. My mother typed another letter that instead began “Due to the behavior of your dog…”

That phrase has been part of our family lexicon for a very long time. Any time we want to say something mean but can’t we say instead we need to write a “Due to the behavior of your dog” letter. While my mother originated this and is talented at turning a phrase, I was gifted with the ability to take my anger and rage and turn it into the most genial and gracious form of writing. I have been using this very marketable skill in my line of work for years – to the point where superiors have had me write “Due to the behavior of your dog” letters for them. In fact I have what some people call a talent for being able to inform someone in writing that they are thoughtless and rude and have made a grievous error all the while making it sound as if I am paying them a compliment or am simply asking them for clarification in the nicest way imaginable.

In other words – I am passive aggressive. I can sugarcoat hostility like nobody’s business. The problem isn’t just that I am passive aggressive – it’s that I’m good at it. And when I put words to paper I find that I am even more skilled at twisting it so that it is far less recognizable than it would be if I had said it out loud. In fact, sometimes I don’t even realize I’m doing it – or if I do see it, I apply more nobler motives than I deserve. I can hide behind that all day long, but it doesn't make me feel any better about it.

I do believe I have a talent for writing and that it was a gift given to me by God (as I've learned are all gifts). The problem is it has been pretty well utilized by Satan my entire adult life. So - how do I use my gift for good instead of evil? Suggestions?

Hate

I tend not to make New Year's Resolutions. Just because it's a new year proclaiming to the world that I plan to change something about myself or what I do does not mean it is going to make it work. In fact, most gym memberships purchased in January fall into disuse come April - just saying.

Now, that doesn't mean that the New Year isn't a time of reflection on the past and changes shouldn't be made. In fact, I think it's a great idea to really put thought into your life and make changes whenever you are moved to - be it January 1st or October 31st - matters not.

Which brings me to the subject of this posting... Hate.

I use the word hate a lot. In fact, I use it far more than I should and as a sort of gross generalization. For example: I hate people. Yes, that phrase has left my mouth countless times. It is usually preceded by a situation where someone has been less than nice or has treated me as if I am slow or hard of hearing without bothering to realize I am a human being with feelings.

Then there is the more descriptive phrase: I hate stupid people. This one is usually preceded by a situation where someone asked me a pointless or redundant question or simply did something in a way that goes against how I thought it should have been done. (My way frequently being called the "right" way and their way being called the "wrong" way.)

Of course those are just the warm up phrases using hate... then we have - I hate the alarm clock, I hate this show, I hate this city, I hate this traffic, I hate this rain, I hate these new gas pumps that take forever, I hate my job, I hate this book, I hate - I hate - I hate...

Now, the question is am I really that full of HATE? An even better question... Do I want to be?

The answer is no. I don't want to be an "angerball" or a "hatemonger". Granted I know I am far from sunshine and rainbows shooting from my fingertips but that doesn't mean I have to spew venom everywhere I go. I am not saying I will never say HATE again... But I will try to watch how often the word comes out of my mouth. I don't resolve to do this... I try to do this - with a little prayer and a lot of hope that I will be worked on so that as the time passes, it won't be April and I'll be back to my hatin' ways...

What about you? Anyone out there have something they feel moved to change about their person?

Selfish Phase

So... hanging from the wall in my cubicle is a poem I wrote during one of the lowest points of my life after a really difficult breakup.

Selfish Phase

I'm doing things I want to do.
I'm learning things I thought I knew.
I'm having fun - without you.
It's a selfish phase.

I eat vanilla ice cream in bed.
Gaining 10 lbs. doesn't fill me with dread.
If I wanted to I could shave my head.
It's a selfish phase.

I curse like a sailor when I stub my toes.
I watch really crappy t.v. shows.
I threw out all my pantyhose.
It's a selfish phase.

I'm going where I want to go.
I'm growing how I want to grow.
I never tell myself no.
It's a selfish phase.

I flirt with all the men I meet.
When I'm in bed I get the sheets.
I haven't shaved my legs in weeks.
It's a selfish phase.

I can watch sappy movies and cry.
I never have to give reasons why.
I don't care about the size of my thighs.
It's a selfish phase.

I'm living life just for me.
I'm wild and young and so carefree.
I'm being who I need to be.
Must be that selfish phase.

And yes, I still have it up in my line of sight even after all these years. And yes, I am now happily married and have been for almost 5 years. It might seem a strange reminder to keep, but I have it because it reminds me of why my relationships before my husband didn't work. I had never been myself. I always bent to please someone else - changed who I was to make others happy. I swallowed my feelings and conformed to what I thought the other person wanted at the expense of what I wanted... really, at the expense of what I needed.

So when everything in my life fell apart - I finally realized that no one was going to love who I was unless I figured out who that was and let her be seen. I started down a road I had never been on before. What did I want? What did I need? What did I deserve? Where did I want to go and who did I want to be? What did I love about me and what did I want to change?

Now, while I know I need to be pruned... I also know that I was made who I am for a reason. God is sovereign in ALL things, including my personality. I am a loud person and I like to laugh and have a good time but I can't be "on" all the time. Sometimes I hurt and have doubts and am afraid and need comfort. I am not meek or subservient but I like to help people in need however I can. I have opinions and if I really believe in something I will fight for it but I don't like confrontation and avoid it like the plague. I am emotional and loving but I can be possessive and insecure.

I am a work in progress and I hope that is true of me all my life. I am truly blessed to have a husband who loves me for who I really am and not just a version of me. It is wonderful to know who you are - flaws and all, and be okay with it because you know someone else loves you unconditionally.

I know not everyone can be blessed with a husband as wonderful as mine... but everyone can be blessed with a Father who will love them through everything - their trials and tribulations as well as their joy and celebration. God's unconditional love is more than just a blessing... it really is everything and it is there for anyone who needs it. How amazing is that?

Merry Christmas

So, this Christmas I thought was going to be a great big bust. I mean, secularly speaking - since we are trying to save for a house - gift giving would be on the cheap side. That doesn't mean that I bought people crappy gifts - because I didn't. I put real thought into everything I bought. I gave no gift cards this year at all - everything had a meaning to it or was something I bought specifically for a person because I thought they would enjoy it.

Still, I struggled with what I like to call Giftmas Guilt... That's when people obviously spend more money on you than you did on them. I don't know why I have this need for everything to be equal on both sides... perhaps in a former life I was an accountant. All I know is that this year - I didn't let the Giftmas Guilt grow into a Guiltmonster that made me spend more money than I budgeted. I succeeded in not spending more than I felt comfortable doing and warned myself that others might spend more on me and I would just have to be okay with it.

And then - I get a gift from my brother in law. It's a check for $1,000.00 to help us buy a house. And the thing is - we need the money and even though we never would have asked for the money or planned on getting a gift that beyond the normal scope of gifts - that GUILTMONSTER reared it's ugly head and my first instinct was to feel horrible because we couldn't give him back anything to even come close to equaling his gift.

That's when the word came to me... GIFT. This was a God given gift - Jamie was moved to give us that money as a selfless GIFT - from his heart. I burst into tears and had to excuse myself. I thanked God and I thanked Jamie as well - but still in the back of my mind was the nagging inability to balance the scales of gift giving.

The thing that really helped ease my mind was listening to a sermon from last year at RBC. In it Paul Goodnight was talking about God's gift to us was really the Gift of a Gift. God gave us Jesus (a gift) which gave us the gift of Salvation. When someone gives a really extravagant gift (think a car in the driveway for a 16th birthday) if the person receiving that gift to were to say "Oh, it's too much, let me give you something for it" and tried to give $10.00 which was all they had - not only would it be offensive but it would be assigning a lesser worth to the gift.

If I try to repay Jamie - it cheapens it, not just for me, but for him. That is the beauty of a "real" gift. It's one without strings and from the heart - one that can't be repaid except with Love.